1. Saturday, April 26, 2003

    my true love just called me. 

    shes my true love for lots of reasons but the latest reason is because she just called me from the pit of the main stage at coachella telling me that the beastie boys were just about to take the stage and nearly on cue i heard mix master mike being introduced, a two minute scratching tribute for jam master jay and then my favorite rap group of all, the beasties.

    i laid there on my leather couch, turned down the osbournes, watched my pipe smoking unattended, and marveled at the quality of a cell phone from the desert.

    i love that girl with all my heart.

    hang up any time you want, she told me, and i listened to the whole song, and she came back on the phone and said that she loved me and i told her that i loved her too and told her thanks and she said bye and i said bye.

    you might be like me and watch a lot of e! true hollywood stories, well i live in hollywood and this is a true story, im the luckiest man. i may not get everything that i want, or even some of what i want, but i have been blessed with the coolest girlfriends on earth.

    just wednesday as a matter of fact i was on the phone with my true love and she was in pain because her neck was bothering her and i told her that i would take the bus right over to santa monica and massage her neck.

    she thanked me and told me it wasnt necessary, that her doctor had finally come through with the real meds.

    i told her that i was out the door, that i would rub her feet, that i would rub her back, that i would rub her front.

    she said she’d be asleep before my bus even made it through west hollywood.

    i told her i was going to hijack the bus and floor it down santa monica blvd.

    she said dont say hijack.

    i told her i was gonna busjack that mother and grand theft auto that shit, crashing into the blockbuster near her house and then run to her pad and slide in through the back door and give her what she needs so badly.

    she said that what she needed so badly was sleep.

    i reminded her how beautifully we slept together.

    she sighed a sweet sigh.

    later i said something dirty and then asked her when we’d make beautiful love again.

    she told me it had been two years since we had made any love, beautiful or otherwise and things didnt look good for us ever doing it again.

    it hadnt occured to me that it had been that long, nor that we wouldnt ever indulge again. ever.

    what sort of fantasy had i made up about our future together?

    at 109 years old i knew that even if two people were perfect together, and they both knew it and said so all the time, that it still didnt mean that the girl would want any of it.

    not even a taste. nor a nibble. nor a bite. nor a lick. or two. or twenty. or twenty two.

    i got sad for a breif minute and she could hear it and said she was sorry. i said its ok.

    she said dont be sad.

    i said im not sad, but i lied.

    and when she came over the next day i took hella pictures of her ass so i could remember that id never have that again.

    i need to start remembering that.

    tina + annessa + splink + j_live