1. Wednesday, April 23, 2003

    you know im a dork, right? 

    well, i am.

    not only do i not talk to the hot chicks on the bus, even though getting a date at the busstop has got to be one badass achievement, but i play fantasy sports.

    i play lots of fantasy sports.

    right now i am playing in 11 fantasy baseball leagues. yesterday it had been cut to 10.

    apparently the commissioner of the league didn’t want anyone challenging his rule. he posted these remarks in the messageboard and then quoted Duke Nukem and told everyone that it was his way or his way and then called us all fags and whiners if we didn’t like it.

    naturally i had a difficult time ignoring the opportunity to throw my two cents into the mix.

    but when he vetoed my Greg Maddux and Alex Gonzales for Jeff Suppan and Rafeal Furcal trade (where I would be getting the future Hall of Famer) i had to say my peace.

    i was immediately rebuffed.

    then someone else agreed with me, and he, too, was put into his place. we were both accused of being homosexual, and then promptly locked out of making any moves and we couldn’t post our statements any longer.

    after a full two minutes of research i found the commissioner’s home email address. then i found his work email address. then i found his work web page. then i found his work phone number.

    i thought about calling his work pretending to be an auto dealer to verify his employment. i imagined that they would say that yes, he works there. then i was going to say, and does he reside at 1122 Boogie Woogie Ave? to which they would probably say, no, he lives at … and then i would have his home address.

    i didn’t go that far. im a writer, and an xbi agent. im no stalker.

    so i wrote him a little email that started off with dear fuck for brains.

    i asked him what sort of nazi locks people out for exercising their freedom of speech.

    then i told him what sort of nazi locks people out for speaking their minds.

    then i went into some graphic detail about his mother and the things that make her different than most women.

    saddest thing in the world is my best writing comes when im super pissed off.

    and just as sad is it usually is wasted on emails to people who quote duke nukem.

    so i concluded my email by telling him that as soon as he was finished licking his moms hair nutsack that he should consider unlocking me and whoever else that he locked out of the league unless he was the pussyass bitch that i was betting he was.

    this morning i was unlocked from the leauge and he told everyone that he was no longer playing.

    sweet victory, im warmed in your glory.

    cannes 2003 line-up + earth-info + folded space