1. Tuesday, May 13, 2003

    because i want to stoke my girl krix 

    i have forwarded some of the mail that i normally get to her boyfriend keanu reeves.

    so today we present to you Ask Keanu.

    Dear Keanu,

    Does size matter?

    Ah, the eternal question. I have learned quite a few things with my dealings with the fairer sex. Women, that is, and from that experience I have good news and bad news in regards to this inquiry.

    The good news is: women are crazy.

    It’s good because if a woman likes you, she won’t care what your penis is shaped like, how big it is, or how little it is. I have some teeney-dicked friends, some of which you have seen on stage and screen. They have some incredible girlfriends and wives who make “little” jokes but have stood by their men loyally as if everything was fine. I also have some friends with very odd-shaped units and their girlfriends learned how to use them to their advantage.

    Love overcomes all things is what I learned. And it helps that women are crazy.

    Following this theme, the bad news is, sadly, that women are crazy.

    Me, I have a marvelous body, I’m rich, I’m popular, I know how to do it well, I know how to show a woman a good time, I have no terrible deformities, I even play in a rock band. And still I get turned down for casual sex nearly every day. Suxor!

    Dear Keanu,

    I went out with a girl the other night and she had talked about how much she loves sex and how she thinks about it all the time and the whole date I was thinking, I’ve got it made. Then the girl wouldn’t even let me give her a good night kiss. What gives? What should I do? It went down a week ago and I can’t stop thinking about it.

    You’re definately doing the right thing by obsessing over it. I suggest that you over-analyze everything that you did on that date, think mean things about the young lady, and stare at the mirror and pick at your zits.

    You might also join a gym.

    Dear Keanu,

    Why does music suck so bad nowadays?

    When I filmed “Little Buddah” I learned alot about the yin-yang of life. In music the yin yang revolves around the relationship of good Black music and good Rock music.

    In the early 90s the hip hop scene was ripe and creative. You had the Beastie Boys, Cypress Hill and De La Soul. You also had Grunge. Even AC/DC and Metalica had huge, great records. The end result was an amalgom of great music for every genre.

    Hip hop today is stagnant. Only Eminem is worth listening to and that record is 8 months old. 50 Cent? are you kidding me?

    And rock is horrible, so the mixture therefore is even worse.

    Look no further than AudioSlave which on paper is wonderful, but where it counts, on vinyl is watered down bullshit that only kids and soccer moms would enjoy.

    My prediction is we will go through a few more years of horrible music to be followed by a wonderful resurgence in the Indie scene probably spearheaded by Tsar’s third cd which I predict will be a concept album based loosely on the Rush epic “The Trees”.

    See you at the box office,


    krix + gweilo is (currently) sars-free + more