1. Saturday, May 10, 2003

    im just not interesting enough 

    thats the only reason that i can figure that people link others and not me.

    or maybe they think that i get enough links. or that all this so-called attention has gotten to my head. or maybe theyre ashamed to let people know that they read me. or maybe they think im dumb.

    i mean, i know why certain girls dont date me, and why others stop dating me, or why some wont even talk to me.

    and i can understand going to hollywood at midnight, twelve thirty, one am and not going to see the worlds greatest local band… because youre too shy. ok, no i dont understand that one. mostly because i dont even know what you look like, and i seriously dont know if youre a man or a woman because i dont trust anything that i read on the web, and even less that i read on blogs, and i recommend that you do the same.

    and i can understand coming home eating a tv dinner, drinking a glass of rum and passing out as the lakers fucking romp all over the twin towers at like nine thirty only to be awaken by carson daly interviewing rebecca romaine stamos at 2 am in a sweaty lump on my couch, headache gone, fatigue of the week gone, clippergirl gone, and link gone from one of my favorite sites.

    but fuck carson daly who is in vegas only to rip off howard stern who was in vegas, what, last week. and fuck carson who while in vegas asked two hot chicks how much money he would have to pay them to have a lesbian kiss – cuz isnt that from the first day of the first month of the first page out of the book of ripping off howard?

    my new new years revolution is to make less sense, be less clear, be more flaccid, get less tang, eat less pie, trace less backs, kiss less necks, write less effectively and be on less blogrolls in two thousand and three out of four dentists say that i need to realise that im not eighteen any more and i have to seriously start thinking about wife kids job car house dog credit cards retirement plan rocking chair forgotten death hell ouch.

    i watch the mexicans walk down the street and i drink a shot everytime i see a dad with the wife and two or three kids. always a kid in a stroller. always. call me a racist all you want fuckers. theres always a kid in a stroller and usually one in the oven. everything in this shit is true.

    problem with being ahead of your time is its just as bad as being behind the times. fella named steve dahl was howard stern well before howard stern was howard stern and steve was number one in chicago and got fired all over and did song parodies and even brian wilson co-wrote tunes with him but steve never got a tv deal. oh wait. yes he did. steve got everything howard got. but not for as long because nobody was ready for it. none of those in power understood how to market it. so how on earth would a newspaper or magazine or even big time website understand why you would want to hire a so called stream of conscious blogger to write a daily column where he would say

    fuck the president. are you people kidding me?

    in my day columnists were either slice of life bullshit bob greene middle of the road lets talk about my newborn and the beatles, or they were mike royko defending the rights of the vets and their card game that got broken up by the rookie cop.

    but royko still was based in politics and sports which no offense, dont get me wrong, fuck you if you get me wrong, but it’s easy. sports and politics is easy and you know it. letting a guy say fuck this or fuck that isnt so easy, even if his name is royko but especially if his name is blonty pierce.

    truth is i know that i will never write for the la times. just like i know a helicopter cant fly unless you let it make noise. just like how i know a plane cant take off unless its allowed to speed down a runway. just like how i know i will never get to go down on this blonde at work until i tell her shit anything other than durrrrrr.

    the velvet underground were ahead of their time and why not be the velvet underground because twenty thirty years later you can put that shit in and tap the bottle and twist the cap and everything goes down smooth. maybe even smoother. why not be ahead of the game like the replacements since part of the thrill was being in on something that just wasnt going to make it to the moon cuz its only nineteen fifty and you can take my hand, you can take my whole heart too, but some things just were not meant to be.

    im not just talking about me.

    la fucking times barely knows which way to wipe its ass. im retarded even to want to work with that sort of mentality – again. where people look at your ac/dc tshirt and think youre too punk rock. where people look at your afro and think youre too “out there”, where people look at your website and think that it automatically means that you know how to fix their fucking computers.

    i know how to fix a whole lot of things slow pokes but your pentium one is not one of them.

    this girl had met me once and we went out the other day and we got to her penthouse on wilshire in westwood and she slipped into something a little more comfortable before i had even taken off my hat. before the sound of the front door closing had even registered. before i had a chance to say something dumb. and that girl understood that in order to get to the good part you have to speed read through all the bullshit and everything that leads up to the climax. and that girl understood that the climax isnt the end of everything.

    and that girl understood that her nakedness was just the very beginning. that she liked being naked. and she liked being touched. and she liked spending all night making out and doing all the things that the fcc wont let adults see on directv even though this is two thousand three even though its just sexy even though we pay money to the hole which is run by behind the times motherfuckers like colin powells sellout son.

    and ive been with girls who understood all this too and maybe they could see the future and maybe they knew that hours of messing around is fine, just not with me. and i can deal with that too because some people should be people you work with and some people should be friends and some people should be sexy friends and some people should be your wife and some people should be people you read on the internet.

    every day.

    just like some people were born to fuck and some were meant to type fuck

    just like some people are just dumb fucks.

    just like some people are just dumb

    fucks

    and since those are the people who matter then thats the people i’ll be