nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, May 27, 2003

    because im usually flying around 

    when im not and im at my desk the phone rings off the damn hook.

    i like people so usually it goes like this. ring ring.

    hi this is tony.

    tony this is bill pill.

    bill pill! how you doing man.

    so today it was all ring ring.

    pierce here.

    tony, agent m.

    agent m! good to hear from you.

    tony, is it true that theyre firing people at the xbi?

    agent m actually works at the xbi and is one of the few who knows my real name. and one of the very few who reads the busblog.

    my name is anti.

    m, no theres nothing going on here. nothing on that thing is true.

    good, cuz i was there on thursday and i saw the boxes, and i was there the last time they were handing out bags of money.

    dude, i remember it too.

    whats true is its finally summer here in la.

    whats true is we’re watching maya on mtv trl from the beach bouse and if i had the life that i think i should be having i would be at the mtv beach house taking pictures and blogging about it for you while spreading good will to men and women of all kinds.

    whats true is good charlotte is bullshit.

    whats true is ive called this girl three times in the last three days. just as friends. i swear. last night i called to ask her if she would like to go to the pictures with me. each time she says that she is busy can she call me back. each time i say yes. each time i pass out and wake up and she hasnt called back.

    you know who calls me? ashley calls me.

    in five months or so ive called her once. still she calls me all the time.

    jeff tsar used to say something about girls who hang in there like that. he said those were his types of girls.

    im starting to agree with him.

    maybe i will put a picture of ashley on here one of these days.

    the rabbit blog + how appealing + reverse cowgirl

  2. they had krispy kremes waiting for us this morning as we came into work. 

    a much different set up than many of us expected.

    some of us expected to get the axe today.

    some of us got the axe today.

    what they did was they moved us from one wing of the building to the other. in order to do that all of us were told to pack our stuff up on boxes and tag our boxes. then they gave us thursday off and monday off for the move.

    today we arrived in our new digs and some of us didn’t have new digs to move into. those people found themselves in a meeting in the garage.

    when i first started at the xbi i had hr background so they made me do some of the terminations.

    the way i imagine they did them this morning was like this:

    there was a pile of boxes. there was a table. there was a stack of money. there were guys with rifles. and if i was involved there would have been boxes of krispey kremes.


    just cuz we’re stone killers doesn’t mean we have to eat like animals. i mean, really.

    anyhow, what probably went down was if your name was on the list they gave you your boxes, they looked and gave you an undisclosed amount of cash and then they shook your hand. if you bitched they’d beat you down and take your severance pay. if you bitched more they’d take your personal belongings and your wallet.

    if you bitched even more then the guys with the rifles would blow your knee off.

    xbi doesn’t fuck around. which is why i love it here and why i didn’t want to get fired this morning.

    problem is im an old man and i have grown accustomed to the ergonometry of my past cubicle and now im in a better seat, cooler window area, but i dont have a sweet tray for my keyboard and my mouse is all fucked up… my buddies around me are bitching too, but we all have to keep in mind that several floors below us grown men and women are taking their money and wondering where there next bag of cash will come from, so we best chill.

    i got two very nice emails from readers in this morning’s mail. with photos attached.

    i like photos, so thank you ladies.

    one of the photos didn’t show me too much about the woman who sent it, and normally that worries me but ive learned to live and let live. she appears to be somewhat of an exhibitionist so maybe there will be more to come. lets hope so.

    my weekend went way too fast. doing nothing will do that to you. plus i procrastinated like a bitch. plus i suck.

    plus i got dumped.

    plus i got sorta laid.

    plus i liked her and i wanted to get to know her better.

    i haven’t been dumped in a few months so i guess i had it coming.

    better in the boudoir than in the bureau, i suppose.

    goose + sarah + buffoonery

  3. i get a lot of mail. 

    and ive lost a lot of mail.

    this one very nice canadian writes and ask me how i can go on calling chris (pictured) my “true love” and expect for elegible bachelorettes to feel comfortable in comparison or blah blah blah…

    all you need to know canada and mexico for that matter is peoples minds can change and right now i think chris is the greatest.

    want me to lie?

    best thing about her? wants nothing to do with me.

    how great is that?

    second best thing about her?

    loves me as much as i love her.

    she thought i was upset with her because shes dating a republican and the other day we were saying goodnite to each other and it would have been interesting to overhear her say and i swear hes not a republican i swear.

    i always feel better when im around her. without fail.

    i know what unconditional love is because of her.

    its annoying.

    you cant turn it off.

    but i will find a new true love. and if i dont, and if chris hasnt gotten married when shes 88, i will knock her walker over with my rascal and i will fall on her and kiss her cheeks good right there in the rite aid and ive told this to her and she laughs and then coughs cuz shes turning into a smoker, bitch.

    but i aint kidding.

    my rascals gonna find your ass

    at the rite aid

    anti + one for the thumb + raymi + splink, my role model + modern prometheus

  4. i just finished this thing ive been procrasting about all weekend 

    and now im stoked.

    i was also told by the cheerleader i like the most that we can never see each other again.

    that takes a little air out of the stokeness, but the stokeness is a pretty good one.

    i feel like ive finished my take home final and its just 1:43am, ive got time to do whatever it is that i would have done if i wanted to procrastinate.

    its funny the things that we procrastinate on.

    the first girlfriend i ever had i procrastinated on for two years.

    we talked every day on the phone for two years. then when she was about to move i kissed her and she kissed me back.

    since then i learned to go for the things you want to right away because she might kiss you back.

    sometimes you can go too fast, but thats better than never going for it, and think about the things that youve seriously gone for in your life and then think about the things you havent gone for at all.

    i saw this thing on paparazzis. video ones. on one hand it sucks that theyre interrupting peoples privacies but on the other hand it is sorta interesting to see celebs cower through the airports with their floppy hats all pissed off.

    do you get off the plane and wave to everyone for a minute?

    maybe they should.

    maybe they should say, my its good to be back in los angeles where everything might not be perfect, but its better than most places.

    then give them a sad face. then a happy face then a suprised face. then a funny face.

    all part of getting twenty mil a picture.

    i would like to be a limo driver.

    not a big stretch limo. more like a town car driver.

    im a very safe and slow driver, i would be good for old people.

    annessa + phil + allison + jim

  5. Monday, May 26, 2003

    like your typical american, 

    i forgot that the rest of the globe didnt have today off, so i was suprised to see bling write about going to work this morning.

    its so funny every morning when i wake up and take the subway and then the bus i want to keep riding to the beach and these last mornings some one has wanted to wake and bake my ass and then they leave before noon and youd think that would be the perfect launch to get on the bus and just ride it like me and chris used to do up in frisco, but no.

    ive been taking naps, accepting phone calls, fixing up grits and bacon and eggs, watching hbo, did all the dishes, emptied my pockets of all my riches, tempted but didnt call any bitches.

    made an offensive photo essay if you read it the wrong way.

    at least i didnt call anyone gay.

    you know what ive learned watching all this tv this weekend, theres not a lot on tv. i saw this thing on national geographic about inside the Pentagon, it gave me a nice afternoon nap. woke up to some dumbass on mtv. why isnt ed and dre back on yo mtv raps? who are we kidding?

    right now i want to have a hot tub and i want to invite someone over. i dont care who. someone fun.

    i want there to be sparklers around the hot tub. i want there to be good music playing from inside the house. i want all the neighbors to say whos that fool think he is in that hot tub with those goofy swim trunks.

    karisa was going to have a little pool party today but decided she wanted to run like a taurus through the hollywood hills and if i was chasing her i would pick up running but thankfully shes the wrong sign and i could just lay on the leather and flip through whatever.

    after the hot tub i would go to my midnight recording studio and summon the ghost of bob dylan and i would have him record that 50 cent single, the first one. it worked for johnny cash.

    then id make springsteen take the bus over here and together we would put together a nebraska part two cuz nebraska part one is over 20 years old if you can believe that cuz born in the usa was ’84 and we dont need another born in the usa but we definately need another nebraska.

    two weeks with the boss and i swear to you there would be another nebraska. we would just write the busses. maybe a limo to get it all out, but ride the streets boss. tell me about this family’s life, tell me about this mans job, tell me about that kids future. look into the palm of the hand of the everyman and rhyme and blow that harp and make me cry this time cuz i didnt even bother with that last one.

    i would tell bruce that he doesnt have a nebraska in him. i would tell him that neil young wipes his ass and out comes a nebraska. i would tell him that dylan could write one on a ukelele and if he told me to fuck off id say fuck off yourself anyone can write born to run when theyre young, write a nebraska cuz i ask ya.

    tenorman + riley dog + accordian guy

  6. had some people over yesterday. 

    didnt plan it that way but there were these austrailian hitchhikers that i met at the vons. three of them got their paths crossed with some dirty acid.

    i have a soft spot for travelers since ive travelled here and there on occassion and i know how vulnerable you can be.

    took them to the castle, sat em on the couch, turned on the slow jams, talked about elvis.

    doesnt matter what country youre from, your age, your political disposition, race, height, youre going to have an opinion about the king of rock and roll, especially if im leading the proceedings.

    the girls thought that elvis was just ok but me and the fella were on the side of theres only one king, and there will only be one.

    then we flipped on the tv looking for elvis movies but instead we stopped at the womens college softball world series.

    now, i have a big tv.

    thirty five inch (diagonal) picture tube made in japan by the mistubishi company. sold to me by two gay guys who complained that it was too big.

    and i had successfully mellowed out these four attractive australian girls by talking about elvis presley and allowing them the freedom to smoke their marijuana. yes i know it is illegal, but i thought i would turn a blind eye since they are foreigners and in very bad shape.

    and then we saw berkeley bear first baseman veronica nelson on my glorious television.

    and then we saw veronica nelson smack a home run

    in the college world series

    live from oklahoma city, where i am sure mad pony kristin was in attendence cuz she is perfect in nearly every other way.

    and i turned to my guests and they were in tears.

    it was a beautiful site. these people didnt really even know the rules of baseball, but they understood the triumph of the moment.

    or they were laughing at her.

    it was hard to tell.

    it appeared that i had gotten a contact high.

    so with my mind racing i made a big ass photo essay, for your asses.

  7. Sunday, May 25, 2003

    Black Webmaster used to ask questions like 

    name three things better than two blonde girls in harley outfits going down on you as you drink a beer from a bottle with led zeppelin going after taking a nice pull from a four footer?

    i think what happened was they wanted to go mainstream and be considered professional.

    i tried to tell them that hustler has this huge tower in beverly hills. its not the biggest thing in beverly hills, but its a big thing, and its in beverly hills.

    i tried to tell them that there are a lot of buildings in the world, build yours on who you are, and if you are known for great pictures or great articles or great questions then build from that dont take away from that.

    what would have happened if babe ruth tried not to hit so many home runs?

    the bean counters would have told you that he wouldnt have struck out as much.

    of all of babes beans, whats the number of beans we remember the most


    f the bean counters f the strike outs f the mainstream

    the mainstream wears ties. the mainstream supports bush. the mainstream doesnt mean i do. the mainstream uses aol.

    black webmaster are you kneeling at the feet of aol?

    if thats the case i dont want my black ass on your cover.

    you know how hard it is to read my shit on aol? you think thats an accident?

    well, since you havent done it in a while, im going to show you a bunch of pictures that i took this month that i didnt do anything with.

    its called a wordless photoessay.

    it’s not incredible, but its better than playing things safe all the time.

    (answers: 1. one who actually wants to be there 2. the cubs still being in first place after a fourteen-game road trip 3. a job where i could be creative)

    moxie gets done by luke + gnome-girl + get your oj on

  8. i like Black Webmaster but they used to ask so many better questions back in the day. 

    sometimes theyd get three or four people on the line and just rattle off questions non stop that would end up into this sort of territory and subsequent response:

    q. how big is your dick

    a. ask your momma

    q. zeppelin one or two

    a. which one has your time is gonna come

    q. one

    a. then one.

    q. pc or mac

    a. i dont need to have my pc be cute.

    q. how do you ask girls out

    a. usually by email.

    q. what do you say?

    a. i say lets have a date.

    q. its just that easy?

    a. sometimes its easier, some times all i have to say is lets

    q. why arent you rich

    a. why arent you tall

    q. who will be the first black president

    a. tiger woods, as a republican, then me.

    q. as a democrat?

    a. i was thinking it would be nice to bring back the whigs.

    q. damn

    a. old school, bitch.

    q. what makes you think you’d get the nomination?

    see, they asked good questions.

    my favorite neighborhood movie house only takes cash.

    i want to ask them why. but i think i know why.

    my next question would be, why dont you put in an atm across the street so you wouldnt look like youre gauging.

    gorilla mask + dysfunktional + crispy duck

  9. Saturday, May 24, 2003

    laurita says im her idol. 

    shes the one going to law school, so shes my idol.

    theres nothing better than a smart girl.

    two smart girls maybe.

    i read laura a long time ago and for some reason we never talked till now.

    the other night we talked about some blogs that we read.

    all i have to say is you people have stories to tell and pretty blogs, i wish you’d write in them.

    i hate that our friends and family, or the fear about friends and family keep people from telling their stories.

    something must be done.

    this is the first time in mankind that people from all over the world, completely different people, can tell each other what its like to live where they live and do the things that they do.

    why hold back?

    xbi called me this morning. apologized for calling on our company vacation. gnarly shit going down in the valley, where its been super hot.

    i didnt want to go to the super hot. and i didnt go to sleep last night till five.

    karisa still had my flying car so i took a cab into the office

    los angeles this morning was glorious, people of earth. warm, clear, smooth, sweet.

    he didnt say nothing to me and i didnt say nothing to him.

    the jazz coming out of the boom box on the passengers front seat sounded like monk i could barely hear it behind the bullet proof glass.

    when i was a kid i rode in a car by a current pro baseball player and i sat in the back seat and i thought i wonder if anyone knows who this guy is driving, that they just cheered for him a few hours ago.

    this morning i thought i wonder if this taxi driver knows that what hes saying on his cell phone right now is being heard by one of the few people who could fuck his shit up in a major way.

    cops say that the bad guys are all asleep on a saturday morning.

    sometimes theyre driving cabs totally sober.

    sometimes theyre in the back seat totally hung.

    laurita + richard giles + the ward