1. Thursday, May 1, 2003

    when i grow up i want to be president 

    i’ll cruise around the country a few times tasting the local beer. and i’ll ring the church bells. cuz people like crazy presidents who like ringing church bells.

    id duck into mtv all the time and tell the kids that they aren’t rocking hard enough, and i would turn to whatever pretty boy is holding the mic and i’ll say who’s your generation’s led zeppelin, boy? and he’ll smile and listen to the people gasping in his earpiece.

    and id get to blow shit up and dress like a faker and lie and bullshit the world and get paid doing it.

    and if any of you motherfuckers even say shit to me even if i fuck up, i want you to remember how you’ve treated george walker bush who has suckered you into thinking that $1.89 a gallon for gas is a bargain.

    you, who called the last one Slick.

    i cant believe how many unemployed and underemployed smart people i know.

    i want to not have to find bin laden, not have to kill saddam, not have to be smart, and not have to have anyone smart around me.

    i don’t want to have to be responsible for the stock market, or education, or crime, or terrorism, or anything.

    but i do expect to take credit for winning a “war” from a country that we’ve been defanging for the last twelve years, after we blew em up good the first time.

    infact i only want to fight wars against countries where the armies wave white flags and hug my troops in their dusty sandals.

    i don’t want any of you saying shit about my drunken daughters or read my lips father who traded arms for hostages and also fucked the economy.

    first thing im going to do when i become president is legalize some drugs and abolish the designated hitter.

    if the fcc is still around i’ll abolish that waste of tax dollars before the champagne at my inaugural gets flat.

    i would not hide behind children like a coward on big issues that concern adults, titties on tv being a lessor one but definitely on the list if for any reason, symbolism.

    misidentified email would be ridiculously illegal, with outrageous prison terms if the first 50 lines of the email didn’t scream SPAM in 36 pt times roman bold. yes you have the right to get your message to people, but you don’t have the right to fill the internet with penis enlargement scamolas and pictures of Barnyard Fun for our children to accidentally see.

    id put pete rose in the hall of fame, and id put ticketmaster out of business, if not jail.

    every child would be issued an electric guitar.

    and i fucking swear to you, if any of you even say a word im going to remind you that on may first two thousand and three when the washington post and abc news asked 1,105 americans if they thought the country was going in the right direction, the majority of them said yes.

    im expecting you to give me that sort of support.

    especially when the assassination attempts begin once i start taxing the rich.

    and i will tear down the lights in wrigley, and i will melt them down

    and make public urinals from all of them.

    alecia is now legal