busblog

nothing in here is true

  1. Monday, June 30, 2003

    i eat too much 

    i drink too much lite beer, i watch too much tv, i answer the phone far too much.

    two girls came over tonight with a little thing of marijuana, america, and what are you supposed to do with that?

    brazillian girls with the best accents. have i ever told you how i love accents? luuuuuuuuuuuuuv.

    they rolled the thing and licked it and made sure it was tight and perfect and narrow and potent which is a trick at my age as the only thing that makes me startle any more is how many morons have control over things.

    but im even starting to get used to that.

    karma. me and this hot chick were at my doctors office this morning. in the waiting room. she had gotten pink eye but still looked hot. i said whats it like. she said fluid was dripping out of my eye. i said um gross and still undressed her with my eyes. you woulda too.

    she asked what i was in for. i told her theyve got to shave another inch off it and both her eyebrows went up.

    the girth i assured, just the girth.

    picked up a sports illustrated from two months ago. the baseball preview issue and saw who they were picking back in april to do well.

    she said maybe we were some evil bastards in a past life if we have to go through this shit now.

    and i love girls who swear. it means they whisper the best things when they whisper.

    i eat too many doritios and pizza and malt balls and tom kha kai.

    im crazy about milk i realize as i say aloud.

    and that coulda come out wrong but with some people its impossible. she understood.

    she esped me.

    what do you want to do right now?

    i esped back

    write something really good.

    she said would you write about me

    i said i couldnt even begin to write about you

    and she wrote her number down in a subscription card to vice magazine

    the nurse called her name

    veronica

    she got up and walked through the swinging doors without ever looking back at me.

    i looked down at the card and above her name she had written

    ronnie

    and there aint no fucking way im dating a girl name ronnie

    no matter how smoking she looked in a business suit, skirt, heels

    and pink eye

    in a waiting room on fairfax.

    laurita + gorilla mask + waterslide

  2. what do you want them to do when you die? 

    i want there to be a party.

    i want there to be several kegs.

    i want there to be loud music and bands playing and great food and i dont want people to dress uncomfortably or feel like they have to say good things about me if they dont wanna.

    i want ac/dc to play on the boom box, and zep, and the beastie boys, the replacements, the police, and of course all my favorite bands from isla vista, and of course tsar.

    i want people to kiss each other and hug.

    i would want people to exchange recipies for baked goods, and i want the girls who have crushes on boys to tell at least one of them, and vice versa.

    i would want people to wear silly hats and play spin the bottle.

    i would want karisa to teach everyone how to play Allen and afterwards nobody drive home drunk because there might be a quota as to how many people make it to heaven on a particular day and i dont need any damn competition.

    i would want people to read from the Bible but not in a ned flanders dumbass born again way, but in a real way.

    i want someone to say Sodom and Gomorrah had nothing to do with gay people, and then i want a lot of people to say Right On!

    i want there to be soul food and soda pop and bacon frying and a barbeque.

    i want people to talk about life and love and living and possibilities and how i talked a mighty good game but i hardly lived for the day the way i wish i could live. people like stacy sullivan and dan grant and hillary clinton really lived for the day, but i wouldnt want anyone to talk about politics.

    i would want people to get high.

    i would want people to dance on my grave.

    i would want people to breakdance on my grave.

    i dont want flowers, give them to your mommas.

    i would want fireworks and a huge makeout session and jello wrestling and happiness.

    mallory + doktor frank + three hot chicks living in norman, one named lauren one named kristen!

  3. things are kind of maney here at the office today. 

    some guy quit and threatened to expose the xbi for what it is. but the stupid thing is the cops, the fbi, and even the judges know what the xbi is and how we grease the wheels of justice.

    only people who dont know are the press and some of the press know and keep their mouths shut.

    the santa barbara mafia know, but they know everything.

    so anyway, now everyone is out to get the guy who is breaking the first rule of fight club.

    which is scary cuz we might get found out, but its also fun cuz none of us liked this guy in the first place and everyone has been waiting for this time to beat the crap out of him.

    me, i just want to write to you and enjoy the sun and think about fonder days. days when i woke up in the arms of america and was pulled back into bed with gentle pleas and warm caresses and i even was allowed the opportunity to burn a sick day in the name of love and lust.

    freedom, where have you flown off to?

    dont get me wrong, im not sad. if anything today finds your narrator in great spirits, oddly.

    great for no reason.

    theres no girl who wants to wear my pin. theres no ball club who wants to pick up my option. theres no weapons inspectors interested in my dirty bombs.

    all i have is you bloggy blog.

    all i have are these pixels and kilobytes.

    some guy wants to know why we will miss miss katherine hepburn and its cuz we are sentimental people who grow to like the actors who perform for us.

    someone told me a little story of arnold schwartzennegar and his wife walking down the street the other day and how the public ran out of their doors to hunt him down and demand his attention and his autograph. there is a price of fame which is why karisa doesnt want it. and it doesnt matter if you have more oscars than any other female actress and it doesnt matter if you never will be nominated.

    our celebs make us feel better somehow, especially when theyre near us. and for that reason we should give them a break when theyre down on their luck and why we should respect them when they bow out after 96 years.

    when i pass away i want people to know that i had an extremely blessed life. that i wasnt born with any obvious deformities. that i had a good childhood and a fine education and loving girlfriends and amazing friends.

    and i had what some of the ladies were quoted as calling “magical hands.”

    which doesnt mean that i shouldnt be remembered fondly when i go.

    i guess all i want is to be remembered at all.

    which i dont mind doing for miss hepburn today.

    inluminent + wKen + mr. pennyworth

  4. Sunday, June 29, 2003
  5. Charlie’s Angels 2: Full Throttle 

    starring Drew Barrymore, Cameron Diaz, Lucy Lui, Demi Moore, Bernie Mac

    directed by McG

    clippergirls cousin has a funny way about her. she says shes gonna drive me somewhere and then she doesnt take me there. she calls it kidnapping the famous blogger.

    i tell her that a thousand readers a day isnt fame. she says i get more than a thousand that my counter is shit. i say even if its two thousand its still not fame. she says everyone wants more. i say i do want more. but not more more, better more. i want girls to fall in love with me more and companies to hand over blank checks more and former english teachers to take it all back more and for me to look at my page a week after and laugh more.

    actually i do get that one sometimes.

    we were supposed to be heading to the wessssside to go to my old college roommate sam’s house to go see a movie together, just he and i but instead she drove me to manns chinese and we watched charlies angels 2, which was a little weird because part of it was filmed there, and ashley was an extra there, and i had never been inside the famous manns chinese ever before.

    it was also weird cuz she wanted to hold my hand and i didnt wanna but she insisted and i didnt want to have any bad feelings while we were watching the totally watchable movie.

    i love mcg‘s style and the pace and the imagination of it all. im glad filmmakers are willing to just go crazy in movies now and have fun doing it. it is just a fucking movie, after all. we do want escapism. we dont want to think about jobs and bosses and fighting crime and the fact that after the movie a perfectly good half japanese twenty year old is going to want to get it on and i will have to say no. again.

    i can be such a dick when a girl likes me and i dont like her that way and i hate feeling that way. i am not a dick. it makes me totally appreciate karisa cuz she puts up with that all the time and i dont ever see her act differently, i wonder how she does it.

    boys do want a little thrill of a chase. and as a libra, i want a little balance. i want her to want me like i want her. and i do want clippergirls cousin on a certain level. it would be fun to just mess around on a sunday night in a scary hollywood park after the softball lights flicker off or behind the three of clubs or in a back seat or in the la coliseum top row with airplanes flying overhead. but this girl is young and she will fall in love and not with me but with the closeness. and who can blame her. youre supposed to, after all.

    romance is the one thing thats always missing in action films and it shouldnt be that way. make it a lovestory that gets fucked up by bad guys who kidnap the girl and the guy has to action movie his way into finding her and capturing her. its easy. make him do super romantical things during his quest. make him send homing pigeons to her. make him send smoke signals. make him shoot a guy in the chest with a machine gun and make the bullets form a heart in his torso.

    make him have a plane that spells out words in the sky that says tony plus ilka.

    make him nearly kill a bad guy and make him take off the bad guys shirt and put on her favorite shirt of his and send him back to the bad guys headquarters. little signs that he loves her and hes thinking of her and he misses her and she should know hes gonna find her and live happily ever after. even though ive never seen one person live happily ever after. never mind two.

    the xbi has done things like this before, but not romantic things.

    we’ve carved out messages in the dead hit men before.

    i havent, of course. i respect the dead, even though theyre dead. but i dont protest it either because crazy people need to know that theres someone just a little more crazy out there, and it helps if the crazy think that the super crazy work with me and will carve some shit into them if theyre caught slippin.

    afterwards we ate at mcdonalds and didnt talk about the film, but talked about the music and the tshirts instead.

    i thought about ashley alot while watching the movie and when i got home she had called and clippergirls cousin was stepping into something a lot more comfortable and she sneered at the caller id that said “ashley, cell phone”.

    shes a darker skinned girl. i think shes part hawaiian and when shes naked it doesnt seem naked it seems normal. especially on a warm june night when im not going to have sex with her im not even gonna kiss her and im listening to evan dando sing with julianna hatfield about being drug buddies and im past doing drugs anymore but i still appreciate that song cuz its about friendship and im such a big fan of that even though im a rotten friend and that was the best theme of charlies angels two: full throttle.

    that, and that demi moore is still a hot piece of ass.

    shellen + vodka pundit + little green footballs

  6. being the holy day 

    today we’re going to outright steal something from someone else’s blog because it’s wonderful.

    Tuesday, June 17, 2003

    Not at all interesting:

    I know you all love my inane blather so much that you haven’t really missed the inclusion of photos in my posts, but I have decided to bring them back because, well, I like looking at celebrities of either gender in low-cut ensembles, so you are just going to have to deal with it.

    This weekend I wasn’t very productive. I basically just spent a lot of time sleeping fitfully because it’s so fucking hot on the third floor of my loft, but there is no other place for me to sleep so I just turn the fan to the highest setting, point it at myself and then grab onto something so I don’t get blown off the bed. I did go out and get my friend Karen some bourbon for her birthday present, because nothing says friendship like hard liquor. Her birthday party was funtimes and I got to reconnect with a couple of ladies that I think are pretty kickass, and since I’m now a freewheelin’ single gal, I’m glad I have some other freewheelin’ single gals to hang out with when we go out somewhere, because really, if you are a single gal and you go out by yourself you’re really not all that freewheelin’.

    Yesterday I took the day off work because I really needed a fucking day off already. Plus, I had an appointment for a physical, and sometimes physicals are kind of traumatic, so I wanted to have the rest of the day off in case I needed to recover from all the horrific poking and prodding. Fortunately there wasn’t much poking and there was very little prodding. I think my regular doctor saves all the prodding action for my gynecologist, which I will be sure to describe for you in detail after my next pap smear. Anyway, I got a clean bill of health except for my dirty bastard of a stomach, but I already knew that was fucked up so I wasn’t really surprised. My doctor thinks that all of my stomach problems are due to a sensitivity to wheat gluten, which permeates the very soul of our culture and is extremely hard to avoid, so she is sending me to a gastroenterologist to have my gutmeats examined. I think that all my stomach problems can probably be traced to my rampant alcoholism and tendency to internalize all of my stress to the point where I think my brainmeats might implode, but I’m no doctor, so I’ll go see the gut dude. In any case, as far as my doctor is concerned, I am totally and completely normal and healthy.

    She didn’t examine my other four personalities, though, so I guess there will always be some doubt as to my true overall health status.

    dirtyfez.com

  7. bunnie can do it 

    and shes a girl, so i can definitely break a piece off. clippergirls cousin called me drunken and cutesy but she doesnt know that thats not what im looking fur. ive dropped the eighteen to twentyfives outta my friendster cuz they just dont get it. its noon its hot. last night she wanted to come over and watch tv which means makeout and i dont know why i push her away but i do. its the same as the other ones. some girls you want to make out with and thats it some gurls you want to girlfriend and thats it some gurls you want to marry and thats it. she i wanted to go to maui with and thats it and we did and we’re back and i just want her to go be her and me be me and of course i wanted to make out with her cuz shes great at it and has this magical way of kissing but im not gonna run around and kiss her and her cousin all summer and think im gonna get away with that. there are no free lunches and there are no free bjs you pay and pay and pay and some things are worth it and some arent and im not. its hot. hi summer. hi tony. hi smiley face. hi tony :) does it bother you that youre always sideways. nope :) does it bother you that people totally make fun of you and your cousins. nope :) are you always happy? yep :) can you do any imitations? yeah this is me being sad :( :) i got the new playboy today in the mail. the one with the survivor girls in it. i think if i was more conventional and “with it”, i would do little reviews of stuff. like the restaurants i ate at and the products i used and the tv shows i watch and of course the magazines i read.

    the new playboy makes me worried about the new playboy because it is now being edited by the former editor of fhm uk or maxim uk or something like that which on paper sounds like a perfect idea because for ever playboy had about 10 interesting pages out of 175 even though it was showing us the hottest girls in the world even though there would sometimes be naked celebrities even though they could talk about Anything in the world including ties briefcases british motorcycles jazz being cool and blah blah blah. they could interview celebs in a cool way, they could show us the sweetest clothes in a non gay way, and flow with the excerpts of books as yet to be released. semi sexy short stories, sexy advice, sexy news… and yet they hardly ever did. and sorry but the babes were rarely the hottest in the world. blasphemy? hardly. not only was there a humongous need for a breath of fresh air, but there needed to be a tent full of fresh air and i see that slowly thats happening as the new editor takes over.

    but this months worries me because they have pics of that fat wilson phillips girl who stapled her stomach and lost a ton of weight. and she looks good. thats the surprising thing. she cheated and she worked at it and the makeup and clothes are right and bam there she is all famous and skinnier and still a little roundy but looking fine all boobies sticking out and everything and what worries me is playboy doesnt make any mention of it on their cover. people dont want to see how the girl looks? playboy doesnt want to advertise that not everyone is going to be a size 2? have they forgotten that anna nicole smith has been on the cover over and over and she was never a waifer? have they forgotten that… whatever… theyve forgotten. theyre so worried about their pigskin previews that they have put the boobies on the backburner. look no further than the centerfolder.

    and the survivor girls look good. in real life. on tv. standing on a log begging for ice cream. and playboy used to do a great job of hiding the not perfect parts of their sweet tarts. but for some reason they want us to know over and over that jenna doesnt have the greatest boobs. they hide the fake tit scars of the blonde next to her, but they dont even think twice about posing the winner of the show like shes a winner.

    must i teach the world to sing?

    rule number one of playboys new management should be no old poses. its the female form. its the finest worksong. its the best money can buy and they dont even try. its all playboy pose #5 followed by playboy pose #6. its a reality show set in the woods. toss those two little tramps in the woods and have them out sexy each other. get twenty up n coming photogs to hide in the forest and gang photoshoot em. like a bukkake party but without the mess and degradation.

    take the ten best pics and put them in the mag. then take the next ten best pics and put them in the back. then take the next ten pics and put them on playboy dot com for free cuz in the world of the innernet i am never on playboy dot com and thats how you get me there. but i like what you did with their hair.

    cubs sox are on and my man sam wants me to see charlies angels with him after he wins a velvet armani sweat suit off ebay. its hot its summer im loving it. my sodas are chillin in the fridge and i have so much to do on the web site and blog that im thinking about saying fuckit and just taking that bus to the beach and taking picture after picture for your asses not cuz you deserve it but cuz i deserve it cuz it could have been so easy to just taken advantage last night and i didnt and it might not be tough for you but its tough for me and most the times i dont do it but last night i nearly did and by nearly i mean nearly as fuck.

    alecia + the ward + azarok

  8. Saturday, June 28, 2003

    when i was in junior college i pumped gas in beverly hills. 

    no one really asked why i quit my job selling computers and tvs and stereos in a store where i was always in the top five of fifty salespeople.

    ok, some asked, and usually i told them that i had been confused with all the money that i was making and instead i just wanted to serve mankind. and pumping their gas sounded like a good start.

    in truth i was serving mankind, i was staked out at the unocal seventy six as the youngest agent ever in the xbi, twenty years old, black, and owner of a seventy six cadillac sedan de ville..

    i was placed at that particular location because it was an all-full serve station, and it was also ridiculously close to the century plaza hotel, known for its elegance, famous guests, and helicopter landing pad on its roof.

    perfect for presidents.

    the xbi had no interest in the president of the united states, but the bad guys did. and the bad guys had stolen property many times, and the xbi was interested in stealing their stolen property and giving some of it to the proper authorities.

    i looked good in that uniform.

    dark blue undershirt that looked like a surfers shirt with alternating blue and orange stripes ringing the neck, nice patch with my name on it.

    light blue overshirt with pocket and patch with my name on it.

    dark blue jacket with pocket and sleeve for tire gauge. patch with my name on it.

    nice hat that said unocal.

    dark black shoes with steel enforcement above the toes.

    clean towels in the back for wiping the squeegies.

    and an endless parade of the finest automobiles in all of california that would roll up and ask you to fill it up and check under the hood even though the car only has a few hundred miles on it.

    as the sun shone

    and as bad guys did circles around the avenue of the stars

    unaware as to just how many eyes were upon them.

    weeks before the president would arrive.

    coyote + chicha + adrants + funny

  9. Friday, June 27, 2003

    interesting things happen at the xbi every day. today was no different. 

    as you can probably guess some of the crime that we fight is cybercrime.

    theres money there too. and where theres money to be made you will find criminals, and where there are criminals to steal from you will find the xbi.

    some of us have been tracking the progress of the insane goings on of the ftc regarding privacy, namely telemarketers who call people at home.

    we knew that they were going to be a registry of peoples names and phone numbers that the telemarketing companies couldn’t call.

    we also knew that about 9 out of 10 americans with a phone number would send in their name and number once they heard about this magical solution. this marvelous list.

    and we also knew that in the wrong hands, the list could be exploited, and used for a variety of nefarious ways.

    think about it: its a fresh list of current names, addresses and phone numbers of people who probably have unlisted phone numbers.

    we knew the bad guys would be all over this list.

    but we didnt know the feds would be so dumb as to tack on a pirates booty of peoples email addresses too!

    and if this isnt a cowbell calling in the evil doers of the internet, then nothing is.

    all the people involved in the National Do Not Call Registry patted themselves on the back proudly shouting out the fact that today, its first day of operation, over 735,000 phone numbers were registered with the ftc.

    many of the americans registered on the government agency’s web site which asked them for their email address for confirmation.

    so let me ask you a question

    if you were a hacker wouldnt you think that the best day to hack a site would be on its first day, as it was crashing repeatedly because of heavy traffic and untested spikes?

    if you were a criminal and hired a hacker, or a team of hackers or a

    gang

    of hackers, how much do you think it would be worth if you could get a million fresh names with addresses and email addresses and ip addresses in one day?

    and if you were a bad guy, would you simply intercept the packets or would you, i dont know, maybe redirect ten or twenty percent of them off the governments web page and onto yours where you would there take their information and provide simple ways to have that user provide things like social security numbers and email addresses of their 10 best friends which would be rewarded by a $50 amazon.com gift certificate which would be sent to their “alternate” email address, which they should provide in the box below.

    whats twenty percent of a shitload?

    rolled in a little early this morning because the 21 caught all the green lights flying down wilshire.

    hottest latina girl ive ever seen on the bus, totally put together, thin arms, a pony tail that meant business, and even a little cleavage for the boys, sat up straight and scootched over when a lady wanted her empty seat.

    i forget where she got dropped off but im going to have to get in at that time more often if shes gonna be on the bus i thought.

    hopped off at my stop, cursed the soda machine for not taking dollar bills and sat at my desk and got im’ed by chopper one telling me that the script had broken.

    which meant people in large amounts were leaving the ftc’s webpage and going to one ip.

    we went to that ip, we hacked the server, we triangulated the mumuschantz, fired up the bird, sent out the cars, and beat down that mother fucker before regis had met his first guest.

    bitch.

    someone screamed where are the other servers.

    the dude said what other servers?

    these guys had done it all. they had not only hacked the ftc site, but also launched an email spam using previously stolen email lists which told people to come to the ftc site to sign up for the swell list, and even though the link said it was going to take you to the .gov email address it sent you to a different place instead.

    a very bad place.

    a boot was in his neck, rifles to his shrivelled nuts and a copter above, mine, letting out low frequencies of hyperdirected audio waves that was making everyone inside the dwelling without inner ear plugs suddenly quite pukey.

    the xbi agent was asking about the other servers that this guy had used in past crimes and after he finished barfing on himself he shouted out the address of a highrise in westwood and reluctantly offered up the keys.

    and from those servers we found previous crimes, smaller jobs, and trails to off shore bank accounts, and business partners, and financial records, and car titles, and emails to each other about their girlfriends and wives.

    we had those fuckers broke and terrified before the pizza man brought lunch.

    and since it was friday, and gorgeous, most of us left work early

    like me.

    735,000? + donotcall.gov + sahalie

  10. Smoking pot doesn’t harm brain function 

    Fri Jun 27,12:17 AM ET

    By Deena Beasley

    LOS ANGELES (Reuters) – Smoking marijuana will certainly affect perception, but it does not cause permanent brain damage, researchers from the University of California at San Diego say.

    “The findings were kind of a surprise. One might have expected to see more impairment of higher mental function,” said Dr. Igor Grant, a UCSD professor of psychiatry and the study’s lead author. Other illegal drugs, or even alcohol, can cause brain damage.

    His team analysed data from 15 previously published, controlled studies into the impact of long-term, recreational cannabis use on the neurocognitive ability of adults.

    The studies tested the mental functions of routine pot smokers, but not while they were actually high, Grant said.

    The results, published in the July issue of the Journal of the International Neuropsychological Society, show that marijuana has only a marginally harmful long-term effect on learning and memory.

    No effect at all was seen on other functions, including reaction time, attention, language, reasoning ability, and perceptual and motor skills.

    Grant said the findings are particularly significant amid questions about marijuana’s long-term toxicity now that several states are considering whether to make it available as a medicinal drug.

    In California, growing marijuana for medical purposes is legal under a voter-approved law.

    The UCSD analysis of studies involving 704 long-term cannabis users and 484 nonusers was sponsored by a state-supported program that oversees research into the use of cannabis to treat certain diseases.

    Anecdotal evidence has shown that marijuana can help ease pain in patients with diseases like multiple sclerosis or prevent severe nausea in cancer patients, but the effects have yet to be proven in controlled studies, Grant said.

    The UCSD research team said the problems observed in learning and forgetting suggest that long-term marijuana use results in selective memory defects, but said the impact was of a very small magnitude.

    “If we barely find this tiny effect in long-term heavy users of cannabis, then we are unlikely to see deleterious side effects in individuals who receive cannabis for a short time in a medical setting,” Grant said on Friday.

    In addition, he noted that heavy marijuana users often abuse other drugs, such as alcohol and amphetamines, which also might have long-term neurological effects.

    Some of the research studies used in the analysis were limited by the numbers of subjects or insufficient information about factors like exposure to other drugs or whether participants suffered from conditions like depression or personality disorders.

    “If it turned out that new studies find that cannabis is helpful in treating some medical conditions, this enables us to see a marginal level of safety,” Grant said.

    jennyeah + snoop doggy blog