1. Wednesday, June 18, 2003

    clippergirls cousin is in the xbi? 

    shit, who isnt?

    long story short: there wasnt any “vacation” in maui. there wasnt any “san diego” departure.

    there was a kidnapping of yours truly by a wanna-be cheerleader who all along was working for your favorite band of undercover crimefighting superheroes and i was dumb enough to fall for it.

    so here i am typing you from the air conditioned kinkos in rancho mirage, california in the palm springs desert where they pipe in the easy listening (billy joel’s “new york state of mind”) and ding you twelve bucks an hour to use their computer and speedy internet so that i can tell you that you shouldnt trust anyone especially giggly cousins of gigglier superhotties when they ask you to remained blindfolded as they drive you out of hollywood.

    turns out there was a unsolved crime in joshua tree that they knew i wouldnt go do unless i was tricked to go do so they tricked me.

    and i cant tell you what it is because it involves something that i do not like and i dont want the whole wide world to know what i dont like.

    but i had to deal with this fear. and no its not agrophobia and its not claustrophobia but its close to that and we drove into the golf course resort and she changed into something incredibly uncomfortable and she laid next to the fireplace which is ridiculous cuz here it is midnight and maybe its 87 degrees but its probably 90 and i said i cant do anything youre my sorta girl’s cousin. and she said youre not going to do anything to me youre going to do something for me and for the good of the people of palm desert.

    and i said so whats the slutty outfit for?

    and she said its for later.

    people say things to me and a lot of times i have no idea what theyre saying. so i just go on.

    so we went to where we had to perform superheroism and we did what we had to do and it didnt take very long. it was gross. let me leave it at that. it was gross. it was so gross as soon as i got back to the resort i ripped off my clothes and took a long long hot shower and put on shorts and a tshirt and threw the other clothes into the dumpster and had a quick double of baileys, no ice.

    clipper girls cousin also took a shower and then slipped back into the terribly uncomfortable outfit and high heels and blew dried her hair and sprayed a little perfume on herself and sauntered into the living room and dimmed the lights and turned on some dexter gordon and gave me a couch dance and i said you do that a little too well and she said its one of my superpowers. and i said what is. and she said watch.

    and sure enough within a minute, tops, i was puddy in her hands. i was willing to ruin everything that i had established with her cousin. and ive never felt this way about her before. and then just like that she dismounted and lit an american spirit and click i was out of the trance.

    i said thats fucked up shit right there little girl.

    she exhaled and said yup.

    then she said, wanna be my new partner?

    tif + kev + baseball blog + told ya Civ is crack