1. Wednesday, June 4, 2003

    hi sammy 

    please dont make fun of me.

    i wont make fun of you sammy, youre my hero.

    it was a practice bat.

    dude, youre preaching to the choir. im willing to say it was planted.

    it was a practice bat that i use for batting practice for the kids to oooh and ahhhh before the game.

    sammy, its cool, trust me.

    if i knew it was my practice bat i wouldnt have used it.

    bro, i couldnt care less.

    this sucks so bad tony.

    i know. im watching them saw in half your bat that you hit your 499th home run.

    i want to die.

    its just baseball, buddy.

    its just my whole life. my whole reputation. my whole everything. baseball is everything to me. id be a busboy in cancun without baseball.

    without blogger im nothing and you dont see me thinking about slitting my wrists when people say i cheat.

    i didnt mean to cheat though.

    if youre not cheating youre not trying, senor, you know that.

    i am trying, and im not cheating. fuck!

    what?

    i just saw a kid wearing my tshirt walking down the street. i hate myself.

    people still love you sammy. i still have my sosa bobblehead on the dashboard of chopper one and one on my desk.

    you should throw those out.

    why? are they corked?

    even when im so very sad you can always make me smile tony.

    thats very nice. do me a favor though, por favor, ixnay on the corked batsay, k?

    done.

    fuck people who show up for batting practice. theyre happy just to be watching batting practice. they dont need to see you hitting the warmup pitches into lake michigan.

    i know. i know

    and fuck this slump youre in, and fuck this goatee you have, and fuck whatever weird stress youre putting on yourself.

    do you have any idea what youre talking about?

    we all have pressure, bro, we dont have to cheat or lie to stay successful.

    but i want to keep my goatee.

    fine, if you keep the goat, lose the bad bats and learn to relax. your team is in first place even without your massive bombs.

    yes, but for how long?

    for as long as guys like carlos fucking zambrano keep pitching out of their minds-o

    but i am the team captain.

    yes and youre also the home run king. its math. put the home run king at the plate and let him swing, eventually home runs will appear. dont force it. do you force your poops?

    sometimes.

    ok stop forcing those too.

    the pressure is insane.

    sammy. pressure is in your head. its the devil. dont listen to the devil. listen to the angels. listen to the little voice thats trying to root you on. listen to the 37,000 fans who are rooting you on. all you have to do is put the ball in play. you have over 500 home runs. you know how to hit those. just hit the ball hard.

    but what if i dont hit 50 this year?

    dude, youre a Cub. we expect nothing of you. we’re lucky that you even play on our field.

    i love you tony.

    right back at you corky.

    tim blair + brian + coyote meets bush + brian