the other night. but i don’t do this for the awards. i do this so the hot babes will write in and tell me that im the man.
ladies of the place im calling out to ya.
last night welch interviewed me as i did my laundry. it was fun. i heard myself on the tape recorder and i sound like an olde man on the tape recorder which might explain why the princess of sweden doesn’t want to have a secret affair with me any more.
she says she hates to admit it but it would be scandalous if we dated since im not swedish.
i told her that i understood, but that it was, of course, ridiculous.
i asked her to tell me that it was my bo or my thinning hair or the fact that i have thousands of baseball cards in my closets.
she said, no, that she liked me.
then she asked me to direct connect, so i direct connected, then she sent over a picture of herself and i said, please, i don’t think i could take any more.
the princess of sweden, you understand is very beautiful and we got along very well.
i told her that when i was in school sometimes i wouldn’t be able to date certain girls because i was Black, and once i turned 100 i wasn’t able to date other girls cuz of my age, but this was the first time i wasn’t able to kiss a girl any more because of national borders.
she said she thought it would be wrong. she didn’t want to deceive her family and friends.
i said but its something i cant control, my lack of swedishness.
she said she just didn’t think it was right.
so i excused myself from the chat and cried a little tear and then a different princess, the daisy princess called me and left a nice message on my machine but i doubted her intentions. i doubted whether she was truly missing me or simply jealous and hurt that i had written that i missed karisa and that i was about to say nice things about chris on her birthday and that i hadn’t said anything nice about her in a little while.
and then i microwaved a tv dinner because ive been eating like a pig, and then i typed typed typed on my computer in hopes that the webbys would pay attention to me one day.
oh, webby awards, i typed, please wont you notice me.
and then i cried a little tear, and then i fell asleep to pauls boutique
and i woke up to a line that sounded like
dumber than you’ll ever know
and ive been caught cheating like sammy sosa.
then i went back to sleep and woke up and remembered i didn’t need any princess of sweden.
that i was the fucking man.
and then i remembered that i really wasn’t.