1. Monday, July 14, 2003

    i like it when kids play with their own hearts. 

    kids usually have the right ideas. i have to keep remembering that.

    i think as time goes on i will start putting in here excerpts of my high school diary. back then we needed a chisel and a hammer to write down our ideas, and sometimes we had to use the skulls of past meals, but the words were laid down, the thoughts were documented.

    i find that i follow a lot of the morals today that i promised myself to do back in the day. back when i had star wars stickers staring at me from my bunk bed. one thing i promised was that i wouldnt have sex with anyone who i didnt love. ive strayed from that a tad, but for the most part i understand why i said that and i still agree with it.

    strangely i thought that i would lose my virginity to a prostitute. this is where idealism fucks shit up. it was my teenage belief that prostitutes knew more about the love-making process and as long as i made sure that they showered first, then they would be the correct teacher to send me on my way into manhood.

    fortunately i didnt follow up on that idea.

    i also didnt become the baseball player or baseball manager that i thought i would be.

    and today as i got off the bus and back into the office, i wondered if i really wanted to be a superhero any more.

    i questioned a lot of things on the bus as i read Moneyball and watched two very affectionate mexican people hold each other and kiss and hug and kiss and hug.

    the man was shorter than the woman and he had one arm around her and the other arm on her leg. she was making a cellular phone call. they both had a lot of gold jewlery on. they both appeared to be in their late thirties. the passion they had for each other made me think the worst things:

    is she his mistress? is this forbidden love? are they always like this? are they newlyweds?

    he had a gold wedding band, and she had a ring on the right finger too, and a diamond on it.

    they hugged all the way down wilshire and he never touched her in an innappropriate place and for the most part she looked forward and smiled while he worked on her neck and spoke spanish oh so quietly in her ear.

    it was true lust, possibly love. it was early in the morning. they were riding the bus together to work. i couldnt think of anything more romantic. i hated that i had to go to work. i hated that i had to worry about work. i hated that we still havent found the missing xbi agent and that all of our secrets were about to be revelead or had probably already been revealed.

    i hated a lot of things on this beautiful morning in the city of angels but i didnt hate that moment.

    and i dont hate you.

    gweilo diaries + the mighty doc searls + rabbit blog