1. Wednesday, July 16, 2003

    ive never said that i have a normal life. 

    yesterday i tried to cut off all ties with a super hot chick. as ashley can tell you, im not good at that. im starting to think that i have no say when it comes to the ladies.

    i hadnt been talking to her for a while and she would shoot off one volley of email after the next in such a tone that i thought she was planning on assinating me.

    tell me what time i can come over tonight.

    never, ho.

    please, tony, what time can i come over.

    sometimes you just want a few minutes to get your shit together, to build a case, to get your little speech ironed out.

    for her i had decided i wasnt going to have any speech. it was just going to be over. forever. we had had this issue a few times before. there had been words. if the problem wasnt going to be fixed forever, then i was willing to cut my losses and get out of the drama.

    i hate drama.

    all week we had been bickering and you dont want to get me involved in an email fight because i have some stealth weapons that really shouldnt be allowed into the field of play. and i have an itchy trigger finger. and i have no patience. and i can be easilly pissed off in the heat of the moment.

    because i respected her and promised after the last war that i wouldnt use those weapons, i didnt. and in retrospect i feel a little proud because she had been unapologetic during this skirmish and it would have been very easy to begin with the pandoras box of insults and diatribes.

    i did love this girl. and i still do. and some of the scars from those past assaults are slow to heal. so i was extra careful this time.

    big mistake because she came over looking better than id ever seen her. she was apologetic. she was perfect actually. i was beaten down by life and a six pack. she held my hand and told me how sorry she was. i tried to change the subject once the thai food had arrived, but she wanted to tell me how important i was in her life.

    it made it hard for me to stay mad at her. but i was doing a good job.

    she looked at me with her sparkling green eyes and i looked at the all star game instead.

    she put her head on my lap and looked up at me.

    i at the cracks in the fireplace.

    i didnt do much talking. i didnt smile much. i was trying to harden my heart. i was succeeding. she said things and i listened and before i knew it i was back to being her little bitch and i wasnt sure if that was failure or not.

    everything is failure.

    and then she went home.

    and i felt better, and i was able to finish my tsar photo essay, and i slept well, and i woke up well, and i got on the bus well, and we still havent found the missing xbi guy.

    and if you cut a tree open you’ll see its rings.

    this week has been a ring.

    ive aged a whole year.

    i need another beer.

    new photo dealie