1. Thursday, July 31, 2003

    this will probably be the only post of the day today. 

    my work is reviewing me today.

    scary part about all of this is that i moved into chopper one a little over six months ago and my boss hasnt said a good word about me since i got here.

    after a few months i asked him why and he said he didnt think he should say anything good to someone for just doing their job. even though everyone knows it’s probably the toughest job in the company.

    me, i thank people just for showing up.

    we hire a bunch of freelancers every day. heck, i hire a bunch of freelancers every day. when i see them i shake their hands, look them in the eye, and tell them thank you for being there.

    call me crazy but i think that one reason that they continue work for us and our notoriously low wages is that they appreciate being treated with respect.

    my boss would probably say that im shmoozing them, but i would disagree. i would call it treating them with the respect that i would like get. that anyone would like to get treated.

    i know girls who think they always have to keep their boyfriends in line. girls who withhold this or that. its a control thing, a power trip, a game.

    my game is the reverse at work. i know the world doesnt shake people’s hands every day. i know the world doesnt pat people on the back for the little things and the big things.

    and i also know that not everyone chooses where they will work solely based on who will pay them the most money.

    i like to work where i do because of lots of reasons, none of which is the salary, which is minimal.

    i like to work where i do because first off, the team is tremendous. i like the end result of what we do. i like that i can wear anything i want. i like that i can take the subway to work and save the enviornment. i like that theres more hot chicks in our building per capita than pretty much anything in hollywood outside of a modeling agency.

    i like that im in the center of everything.

    the only thing that i dont like is that im not listened to and that i get zero respect.

    so im a little nervous about this review because everything that ive seen in this half-year makes me think that my boss doesnt want me. that he doesnt appreciate what ive done. that he isnt rooting for me to succeed. that he has making a nasty little list of “wrong” things that ive done, and he hasnt even considered making a list of “good” things.

    my belief is that a review should be like a portrait. the artist looks at his subject and paints what he sees: warts and all.

    and i think that such portraits are important because even a mirror can lie, and believe it or not, but i appreciate feedback. but dont distort it by only giving negative feedback.

    my belief is that this portrait will only show the warts and the bald spots and the pudgy belly, and the gray hairs, and the nose hairs, while leaving out winning smile and massive cock.

    the shit goes down in my job nearly every day.

    and one thing that im baffled by is that when the shit goes down my body takes over and slows everything down and my brain goes into overdrive and i become so cool under pressure that its amazing.

    i take no credit for this, but ive seen it happen and its sweet.

    i dont think that will be covered this afternoon after lunch, even though it should, and it should be studied.

    instead we will fight over little distracting things that dont mean much at all.

    what they should be trying to figure out is how did a guy like me, who isnt the prototype chopper one pilot, climb onboard and not only complete the missions day after day, but do it while laughing, making others laugh, and doing it with style and grace and respect for those around him?

    cuz the truth is you dont always have a group of qualified individuals for a job: look at politics. so how do you identify which underqualified person could actually do the task at hand.

    on paper i shouldnt be a popular blogger. i never got an “a” in any english class ive ever taken – and i went to college for seven years. i never got an “a” in any photography class or art class and yet when some people talk about this site they talk first of the photo essays and the design.

    but fortunately life isnt played out on paper. it happens every day between the time the alarm wakes us up and when the beertender yells last call.

    sad thing about this review, i fear, is that i will prove that on paper i have been accurate about 98% of the time and instead of saying, shit man, we are impressed with this, they will focus and grill me about the 2% even though im responsible for doing a job and a half, even though i eat my lunch at my desk, and answer the phone with a sandwich in my hand, and run around the building at a fast pace, a building where everyone knows my name and says it with a smile, except for the man who will try to judge me today.

    im nervous about this review because i am a sensitive poet and a talented debator and a smart cookie and i have just as many facts and figures as they do and i even have some secret weapons and i dont want to use them. what i want is for them to present me the way i am which is flawed yet fabulous, and if that happens then i will sit there and smile at the good things and frown at the bad things and speak softly and take it easy because there might be a light at the end of this tunnel and i should just focus on that instead of the fact that not everyone will always understand or appreciate you and lots of the times that person works right next to you.

    since i have new comments today in honor of my work review, maybe you can give me a review on this blog, which is weeks away from being two years old.

    pretend you are the boss of this blog and today is your chance to tell me the good things and bad things of what you see here everyday.

    i promise that i will take it all in and i wont talk back.

    why? because i love you.