1. Sunday, July 13, 2003

    why do certain people never get it? 

    why must they constantly be dicks to me?

    why must they go out of their way to make me feel like shit and second rate and the second choice and the first choice to blow off?

    dont i do enough for people?

    arent i nice enough? positive enough?

    the stones are on hbo and mick is asking, aint i hot enough, rich enough, tough enough.

    i am too blind to see.

    the way i typically handle people who disrespect me too many times or in major ways is never to talk to them again. forever. usually they can make it up by writing a long apology and signing it in blood. childish, perhaps, but for the most part it works.

    weird thing is, people who know me the best, know that i do that, and some of those very same people do what the previous people do and suddenly become suprised when im no longer talking to them either.

    is everyone high on drugs?

    as ive grown older the number one thing that hurts me the most, i realize, is when i put my heart out there for someone, friend or more than friend, and that person takes advantage of that gesture, or spits on it, or disrespects it, or bows to the feet of another instead of being my friend.

    i dont know why this affects me so much, but it does. and people know it does, and they do it anyway. sometimes within the same six weeks, sometimes in the same six days sometimes in the same six hours.

    and now i feel like highschooler.

    i hear youre mad at me.

    i am mad at you.

    why are you mad at me.

    you know why im mad at you.

    im so sorry.

    no youre not.

    yes i am, omg, you dont evenknow what happenend.

    i know you didnt even call me.

    i know, im so sorry.

    fuck you.

    tony!

    and fuck you for not even calling me the next day. or ever.

    now nirvana is on and none of us called him the next day and now we’re stuck with all these pearl jam records.

    happy belated birthday, lane