1. Wednesday, August 20, 2003

    ive been renting out one of my yachts to these frenchies this summer 

    and they beached the fucker the other day and tried to lie about it, but one of my buddies was vacationing in marsailles and sent me this picture and said isnt that The Ilka II?

    and yes it was her, all tilted and bouncing in the surf, so i called up the frenchies and i said wtf bitches? and they snivelled and said that there was a terrible storm and i said too bad, take care of the shit, you break it you own it and they started yelling at me in french and i said i will come over there and i will fuck your shit up and they were all, come on out here and you know what i did, i flew chopper one out there after work yesterday and i landed it in their backyard in the middle of the night and i kicked down their front door and i said daddys home motherfuckers.

    and right away they surrendered like cheap trick.

    they wrote me a check for like a million euros and i flew back home, so forgive me if i dont write a lot today, im tired.

    chopper one has a really good auto pilot mode but youre not supposed to flick it on and fall asleep cuz its what the manual calls “unsafe.”

    but i have had the best girlfriend that im ever going to have, ive had the best sex that im ever going to have, ive had the best head im ever going to get, and ive even had the best teen girlfriend im ever going to get.

    the only reason for me to go on each day is to try to stay alive long enough to watch the cubs win the world series.

    and as long as the Tribune Corp owns my team im screwed.

    so i flicked on the autopilot, told the cd player that i wanted to hear my Air mix tape, and i snoozed my way across the atlantic.

    like a pimped out superhero’s supposed to, chienne.

    some people dont sleep well as their black helicopter is hurdled through the pre-dawn darkness on autopilot invisible to radar and jets and etc., but i sleep very well.

    and oddly its the only time that i dream consistantly.

    last night i drempt that i was back on this stakeout that we’d been on last week.

    it was outside of a construction site. i was noticing how all the construction workers were actually giving all the women a really fair assessment.

    it didnt matter what the woman looked like, the fellas would give them a good look-see and after they passed by they would say to their associates good things about one part of the body or the other.

    as piggish as it was, it was actually open-minded and forgiving.

    then i woke up.

    jack + dougie + dean + katie’s hot new do