1. Thursday, August 28, 2003

    tonight is the mtv video awards 

    fashion show and shout out special.

    im a big fan of the show, but this year i actually had to go to the mtv web site to see what videos are being nominated.

    for Video of the Year theyre going to give it to my man Johnny Cash because he’s dying and because the video is amazing and deserves it but mostly because he’s 71 and dying, so thats cool.

    Best Male Video will go to Johnny Cash because he’s male and dying and cool and the man in black and a legend and cuz hes dying and say what you will about Justin but he will never ever ever be as cool as Johnny Cash and i hope they start playing that video soon.

    though i do like the Lose Yourself video, but i like the song better.

    Best Female Video is the reason to hate award shows because Christina’s “Dirrty” is in my top ten videos of all time very close to “Sabatoge” but for obviously differnet reasons. So I would pick that one to win.

    However Missy Elliot’s “Work It” is mighty good, especially because of the kid dancers, and Beyonce’s “Crazy In Love” is dirty but a notch above being filthy so it will probably win.

    And J.Lo’s “I’m Glad,” the “Flashdance” tribute is my favorite jlo video of all time so i say let them all win.

    no, i take that back, Dirrty is tremendous. capturing a young woman trying and accomplishing the rare feat of being so damn filthy that its fun and sexy and not at all dirty after all.

    Best Group Video has to go to the White Stripes who have made another fine video. It makes me want to experiment with drugs again. It makes me want to be a drummer again. It makes me want to capitalize.

    a close second is The Donnas with “Take It Off” which has slowly turned into a song that i MUST hear every day. God i love them.

    and if Good Charlotte wins with Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous im going to shoot my television.

    Best Rap Video, first of all its Hip Hop fucks. Secondly 50 Cent doesnt have a chance because without Eminem hes just another guy getting shot at by his homies, so Em wins. Thirdly, yes i do feel a little weird that the only white guy in the group should win the hip hop award this year and will win it despite strong showings from Nas and Ludacris.

    But wheres Nelly? Did he really not have anything that came out during the appropriate period?

    Best R&B Video, ah yes heres Nelly. with Kelly Rowland. fuck that song. Gotta give it to Beyonce and Jay-Z not only because its a better video but its a far better song. otherwise f r&b.

    Best Hip Hop Video, okay, what? Snoop Dogg gets nominated in Hip Hop and not Rap? excatly why?

    fuck you MTV. and how does Nelly get “Hot in Herre” nominated in this one but not any other one? Nelly wins over Snoop’s “Beautiful” which should be in the R&B catagory. arrrrrrggggg MUST I BE IN CHARGE OF EVERYTHING!?!?!?!?

    Best Dance Video needs to go to Justin because yes hes gay but he dances really well, although in a pinch i would give it to the former Fly Girl jlo but it would just go to her head.

    Best Rock Video is the easiest pick of the night. White Stripes wins because theyre the only fucking band on the list who actually rocks.

    Best Pop Video, should go to nobody because pop is what has brought MTV down to the level of selling sugar water to teens. if there was more rock in their diet i wouldnt have a problem but until you can name me 5 seriously hard rocking bands that are in the MTV rotation on the regular then this catagory should be suspended. sorry no doubt.

    Best New Artist none of those idiots are any good so lets not encourage them. if i ran mtv i would ridicule them instead.

    the rest of the catagories are jokes so i wont even bother.

    anyway, i just watch the show for the live performances and to drink every time that old hag John Norris ends up on tv as he obviously has pictures of someone blowing some kid because hes not funny hes not smart hes not attractive and yet hes been on mtv since the 60s.

    why?

    anyway, those are my picks, go here for the nominees and feel free to refute me … if you dare.