if i could be anywhere in the world right now

it would be doing jello shots with karisa in zuma until the marine layer burns off.

but since thats not possible since we both have real jobs that prevent us from actually living our lives, i will instead dream of where i might be if i wasnt here in chopper one flying over the haze and smog of hollywood wishing someone would tell me who to chase or kill or follow or fuck up.

today i wish i was back being an fbi test pilot. most testers dont actually fly all the planes, sometimes we have to test other things. gross things, like torture devices, like poisons, like quote unquote drugs, like esp techniques, like powers of manipulation.

you are getting sleepy, for example, very sleepy.

one of the things we tested a long long time ago was a device that would allow us to walk on water, very much like that pictured.

scary thing was it wasnt water that we tested it on, it was acidic liquid that had lots and lots of nasty chemicals in it.

and it was on fire.

and people were shooting at us.

needless to say we figured out how to do it, but it wasnt a bulletproof solution because that item sunk right away, poor merle.

supertsar7: im totally writing about you

karissssa: haha- what about?

supertsar7: how i wish i was doing body shots with you in zuma right now

karissssa: mmmmmm…..

karissssa: totally.

supertsar7: i think youd want me to shave my chest and or belly before taking a body shot off me

karissssa: haha- i don’t mind chest hair.

supertsar7: you have just leapfrogged yourself as the coolest girl in america

karissssa: hahahahahahaha! yay!

jd + utter wonder + kate sullivan record reviews!

in the winter of 1977 i sat in the south endzone and watched walter payton run

for 275 yards against the minnesota vikings at soldier field. this was the view i had.

bears sucked so bad in 77 that walter didnt even score a touchdown that day and we barely won 10-3.

tonight soldier field will re-open and if i had had my shit together i would have had a nice full page picture of the newly renovated stadium on my main page, but when i drove past it last week it looked like a spaceship taking a dump in a roman toilet.

hopefully the bright lights and pretty cameras of abc’s monday night football will make it seem nicer.

and maybe brett favre will stub his toe and not feel like destroying the lowly bears.

needless to say i dont have the highest hopes for my hometown team and im not super thrilled with what they did to my favorite football stadium, but if theres one thing ive learned in my 109 years on this planet it’s that shit happens and when it involves the mayor of chicago its usually terrible shit that nobody would have ever have happened in a zillion years.

the inside of the stadium looks like the new arena in jacksonville. you know what, fuck jacksonville.

the outside of the stadium looks like a transformer and you know how i feel about transformers? i think theyre gay.

and i see lots of skyboxes for the richies who dont want to get brrrr cold as they watch the bears lose next to the frigid lake and you know what? f the richies and how dare they even come to soldier field unless they want to freeze their pampered asses off with the rest of us.

personally i hope godzilla comes out of the lake, takes a dump in this space age commode and then pulls the lever and the whole thing just swirls down into the depths below.

where it belongs.

right next to the guy who put lights up in wrigley.

malatemail + the blog of the century of the week + chokey chicken

most people dont know that im a minister.

a real one. just as real as any of the others.

i didnt go to school or anything like that but the good book doesnt say you have to go to school.

infact the good book doesnt say much about being a preacher. preachers pretty much preach and the people pretty much listen or dont. one reason i like the good book so much is cuz most of the people dont listen, and thats when the kookiness begins.

so yes im a preacher. and i take it very seriously. so seriously that i pretty much keep my mouth shut about it cuz if im wrong i would hate to be the one to lead people down the wrong path. im not sure i could do anything worse than giving someone the wrong spiritual advice. and since there are very few people who look at the bible the way that i do, it makes me very nervous to tell people the things that i think about it.

one of the duties, as you might know, that ministers have, is the power to perform marriage ceremonies.

in a little less than a month i will preform that duty with two of my very favorite people.

last night they brought over kfc and we went over the ceremony.

it was really really really nice.

i cant really tell you all the super nice things that we went over, and some of the suprises, cuz some of you will be at the wedding, but i can tell you that if this is what the pre-wedding meeting with the preacher is all about, im all about it.

very sweet.

thank you, friends, for allowing me to be such a big part of your very special day.

aftwerwards i laid my little head on my sofa and watched half of ghost world, which i really liked and then i fell into a deep deep peaceful sleep.

in that sleep i had a dream. a magical dream of swirly dark blue colors and shooting lights and twinkley stars and gaseous clouds.

i heard a telephone ring and i picked it up.

it appeared to be the soft cute sounds of a teenage princess. not the one from the previous entry, but one who i had met before. it sounded like my old pal ashley.

she said things to me and i said things back. she asked me questions and i answered them. but because it wasnt a dream, because it was really real life disguised as a dream i told her things that i probably wouldnt have told her in real life.

nothing that i was ashamed of, but things that i knew she would react to negatively and probably arent any of her business since she really has no business with me any more.

and i am a man of the cloth, but im also a cubs fan, and oddly enough, i havent had much of a relationship with ashley since before this major league baseball season started and look what happened: the cubs made it to the playoffs.

and theres pitchers who wont change their hats for good luck, and some who wont touch the foul line when they walk off the field, some who might not have any sex on game day, or some who eat chicken before each game.

well me and the young girl from vegas havent had much communication this baseball season and shes trying to get me to hang out with her and im starting to think that i should probably just keep doing whatever it is that ive been doing this year and not change a thing cuz the cubbies, im telling you, that pitching staff is good but theres no bullpen really.

and the rest of you cubs fans ought to think about what you did this year and dont change your shit up.

and of course i plead to you to continue to pray.

game one of the national league playoffs begins tomorrow when the cubs go down to georgia to face the braves in ted turner field.

ny times talks about the sac bee blog, but where is the ny times blog? + bettie girl + flinkrant