gabrielle union totally wants me.

who can blame her.

i save the world, my team is in the playoffs, people comment on my blog.

on paper, im the man.

but youd think that a big star like gabrielle union would want someone more powerful than just a blogger, but maybe not. maybe shes bored with guys with lots of money and fancy clothes and perfumed handkerchiefs poking out of their suit coat pockets.

she obviously wants a guy who knows the difference from html 2.0 and 3.0, as most of the fly bitches desire these days.

gabrielle union wants to talk about cascading style sheets, but you know what, if i had a dime for every hollywood starlet who wanted to talk about design and structure as just a sly way to get into my wranglers then id have, shit, four five bucks by now. easy.

i dont know why we still hang out.

gabrielle and i.

youd think its cuz of the sex, but the sex isnt all that out of the ordinary.

and she doesnt like my place much, so we always have to go to her house. in the hills. and chill in the hot tub.


and she doesnt like sports

or porn

or late night nerf basketball challenges.

and she doesnt read much. not anything any good, just scripts and trashy novels.

im trying to get her into bukowski but she keeps saying, im not you, i dont like this junk.

she likes classy things.

like the way i talk in my sleep in french.

or the way i tease her

or the way i make toast and butter and jam when shes hung over

the secret is cutting the toast diagonally

i learnt that one from my true love

who i will see on saturday

early in the morning


betsy + dancing + crispy duck + sara k doesnt even have to try to write better than i

exclusive interview with atlanta braves starting pitcher russ ortiz

pierce, i hear youre talking shit about me and spreading lies.


whats this shit about my mom not loving me and me being a fan of the red hot chili peppers? since when is that bad.

dumbass, i said that you were down with the clown.


the insane clown posse. i am telling people that you are into the rap metal stylings of the detroit white rappers who dress up in kiss makeup.

but thats so not even true.


so. SO? so what is wrong with you man.

aint nothing wrong with me man, im just writing up a little blog and trying to psyche out the braves.

and whats this crap about me losing a third of my games? ive only lost a fourth of my games.

details details. in your last six games, youve won three and lost two. youre on a downward spiral, trent, and the cubs are going to make mincemeat of you, mouse.

maybe you dont know the history going on here, tony, atlanta swept the Cubs in the 1998 playoffs, few teams have played the Cubs tougher than the Braves over the last decade. Atlanta is 49-35 against Chicago since 1994, and the Cubs haven’t won a season series since 2000.

all the cubs need to do is beat your sweaty ass tonight, mr big talker, and all that bullshit is flushed down the Okefenokee. and russ, you just started playing with the braves this year, so f the past.

f the past? fine, my Braves took three of four in early July against the cubs at wrigley.

big whoop, the cubs split a two-game series in atlanta in july, if they do the same today and tomorrow i bet you right now RIGHT NOW that they dont take no three of four at wrigley in rocktober.

tony, youre so deluded, the ex cub greg maddux is 11-3 against the Cubs, and a perfect 2-0 this year. my boy vinny castilla was 11-of-15 with two homers and 10 RBIs at wrigley. And we destroyed your goldenboy markey prior 9-5 in july 11. he allowed six runs, six hits and walked three in 4 2/3 innings. your cubs are toast.

always thinking about food, fat boy, arent you? cubs arent toast, theyre butter, as in everythings going to happen so smoothly. first your asses removed, just like it always happens in october, and then the gyros. and i bet you get a blister on your finger and dont even get through the first inning.

i hate you tony pierce. you make my feelings hurt.

im sorry russ ortiz.

i know.

no really.

just leave me alone.



i hate the kids + pas longtemps + bitty boo

the world is throwing me curveballs this morning

but i dont care. its playoff time. the busses are late. the work is crazy, my dream girl isnt mine any more, the dream job is gone, the other job isnt even sniffing around, i havent gotten any in 2-3 business days, im not even certain that my tivo is ready.

but i dont care. today is showtime, today are the playoffs.

if i was a real blogger, id have bunting on the blog header instead of tsar, but theyre calling all the destroyers. buntings for closers. there will be bunting tomorrow.

got in early to work today so i can leave early and see the game. whalens coming over, os is coming over, if welch reads this, welch you should probably come over too. ive got some beer. ive got some pizza coupons, and lord knows ive got absinthe.

youd think id be more prepared but im not. this is all a beautiful dream to me. this is all going to the bar and saying the things you say to the ladies and one of them says ok. and youre all, what do you mean ok. and shes all, i mean ok. and your music isnt ready and theres not clean sheets and your condoms are buried underneath stacks of playboys and you fumble for them in the darkness and theres no candles and no whipped cream and no bacon and eggs for the morning, but its ok, just put your head down and do what you have to do.

and today what we have to do is knock mr russ ortiz whos full of cheese off the mound at turner.

russ ortiz the former giant, the guy who hurled 21 wins this year. the gemini from encino. the man who wasnt there. the ace of the braves vaunted pitching staff. the man who made maddux seem like an afterthought. the only pitcher in the playoffs who dusty baker singlehandedly turned into a superstar.

but russ ortiz lost seven games this year cubs fans. one third of his games he lost. keep remembering that. keep remembering that he gave up 100 walks this year. and hes fat. and hes ugly. and his momma dont like him cuz hes into the insane clown posse and he says hed vote for mclintock.

remember that russ ortiz has an eating disorder and he cheats on his taxes and his corns are leaky and his teeth arent ever clean.

remember that russ ortiz believes that women do not have the right to choose, and that hes afraid of sammy sosa and the cubs.

russ ortiz hasnt faced the cubs this year, cuz hes frightened. and he should be. the cubs are on fire. and the fire’s gonna burn like sherman through georgia and loop around and head to the frisco bay and everythings going to get real good when dusty faces his old team again.

but tonight dusty faces his old ace and his ace should be scared cuz of russ ortiz’s seven losses, three have been in the last two months.

sure he shut out montreal and florida in his last two outings that didnt mean nothing, but before that he gave up four runs and five walks against the marlins on september 13 and six runs off six hits against the lowly mets on september 3.

kerry wood on the other hand, who takes the mound for the red hot cubbies, hasnt given up six runs total over his last six games, sports fans.

infact since late august mr kerry wood has given up only 5 runs total over the last six games, and has 59 strikeouts.

he racked up 12 strikeouts in his last game over seven innings, and 11 in the game before that, a complete game shut out.

cubs are going to womp on the tomahawking braves and the busblog prediction is that it will be cubs 8, braves 0.

maizzy + katie hall + kitty bukkake