1. Tuesday, September 9, 2003

    jessica simpson is my new girlfriend. 

    and im am hopelessly in lust with her.

    i dont care that she doesnt know the difference between tuna and chicken.

    id kiss her on the nose and say, baby you know what tuna smells like.

    and shed say, i do?

    id say, it smells like every girl except you.

    i dont care that she doesnt want to go camping, id say lets just set up a tent in our huge foyer.

    i dont care that she doesnt like to clean. shit, i dont like to clean either. who really likes to clean?

    i know one person who likes to clean, her boyband husband who tries to pretend that hes not gay.

    theres nothing wrong with gay boyband singers. they just shouldnt marry prissy spoiled jealous britney wannabes and then get all uptight when they act like the little princesses that they are, and will always be.

    nick says he has a five-year plan for ridding his bride from her spoiledness forgetting that she has been on a 21 year plan of her own which has peaked with her bringing her louis vuitton bag to yosemite.

    personally i think thats cute.

    as hell.

    and my gucci condoms agree.

    i think its great that nick likes to tidy and wears ironed shirts and likes to tear limbs off trees and turn that into firewood. but i dont think its great that he married a perfectly good blonde girl and wants to turn her into something that she isnt.

    she loves him for some reason and gets omg jealous when he has a flock of hootchie mamas grinding all over him. guess what, some girls get jealous, and guess what, a few girls get super psycho jealous and ms. simpson is one of the latter.

    so what nick needs to do is tell her repeatedly that shes hot, and shes the only girl for him. and that her ass looks great and that her fake titties look awesome and how all hes doing is making money for her perfumed hotness, and all those skank hos are doing is getting him riled up for her.

    but he doesnt do that, as far as we can tell on mtv. all he does is look at them and stand up all stiff and let them get dirrty on him. what good is that? why would you want to make a jealous girl more jealous? what sort of f’ed up game is that? go in your backyard and put the red ants on the black ants but dont make your dearly beloved get so crazed that she accidentally gets two pairs of bras and panties for $900.

    and when she calls you and tells you that she made a boo boo, you tell her its ok, that you can sell them on ebay and make double. tell her she did exactly the right thing. and you tell her to put those dirty things on and meet you at the Sly Fox on Crenshaw to play Business Man and Escort. room 17, next to the Fanta machine.

    and then you use all the gay little moves that the fat men taught you, and you do them horizontally. pretty boy.

    only thing worse than a boybander is one who doesnt know how to take care of his lady.

    and im sick of taking her calls.


    madpony + makeout city + listen missy