1. Thursday, September 11, 2003

    rob brezney is the finest astrologer 

    in the history of mankind

    witness:

    Libra Horoscope for week of September 11, 2003

    “You’re only given a little spark of madness,” says Robin Williams. “You mustn’t lose it.” His advice is especially apt for you now. To aid your efforts, here are tips on how to keep a healthy level of insanity, by librarian Bonnie Wolf.

    1. When people ask you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

    2. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.

    3. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

    4. Finish all your sentences with “in accordance with the prophecy.”

    5. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

    6. Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.

    7. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

    8. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sexual favors.”

    9. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream “I won! I won! Third time this week!”

    10. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “in.”

    11. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

    12. Dont use any punctuation marks

    13. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”

    14. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling “run for your lives, they’re loose!”

    15. Tell your children over dinner, “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”

    16. Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

    rob brezney