i did what i had to do she rang me and between sniffles asked somewhat hypothetically, tony, how many ways can a broken heart split.
i told her that the cubs could start losing, i told her that her stocks could drop, i could tell her that her looks could fade, i told her that her heel could break.
she said stop, please, stop.
i told her that her credit cards could get revoked.
i told her that her nails could chip.
i told her that her ass could get fat.
she said, enough.
i told her that her sister could get even prettier.
i told her that the paparazzi could ignore her, or worse, become mean.
i told her that this could have all just been a dream.
she asked why would they be mean?
i asked her why she was broken hearted and she said cuz of a dumb boy and i said what did he do and she said he said he didnt want me to be his girlfriend
and i said why did he say that and she said cuz he said that we were the wrong sign and i said hmmm well if youre the wrong sign youre the wrong sign and she started crying
i hate when girls cry.
especially when its all my fault.
so paris hung up and i called her back a few minutes later and she said what and i said paris and she said what and i said nevermind and she said no comeon what and i said you’ll find a way better man than me dont worry and she said everyone thinks im a skanky ho nobody is going to want me
and i said they dont think that and she said yes they do! they tell me that in email form all the time.
and i said, not everyone understands that stepping out of a limo in a short skirt no panties is the new black, and she said why do you make me fall for you with every word that rolls off your tongue tonypierce.com and i said i’ll be your boyfriend if i can also date your sister and she said gross and i said just for one night and she said shuttup and i said see we all have a line that we wont cross and she said i cant believe you
and then she started to laugh
and she said wait you were kidding right
and she laughed some more.
and then she told me that she would be over for lunch, for me to be ready at noon.
and after she hung up i wondered how does a man get ready for lunch.
but i think i know what she meant.