1. Thursday, October 9, 2003

    my mom called and asked me what i wanted for my birthday 

    the cubs had just won and she was going through mlb.com and trying to find out what i liked and i told her that all i wanted for my birthday was for the cubs to be in the world series and she said im sorry but i dont see that here on this web site.

    so i said for her to look harder. shes the best mom. i didnt have the heart to tell her that theres nothing i need any more. me and karisa were saying the same thing last night. she said if the red sox won the world series that she’d be done with her lifes goals and i told her that just the cubs being in the world series was enough for me, but having them win…

    im pissed off as fuck right now. can you tell? i am. im steaming. here i am trying to go over the analysis of chopper one. they just did a bunch of quote unquote fixes to something that wasnt even broke. then some asshole was an asshole to me because hes an asshole and im supposed to be responsible for everything.

    i have never hated a job so much as i hate trying to save los angeles from itself and its not because the good people of la dont appreciate it, they do. they dont see us, when they do they scream and cry cuz they dont know who we are, its the marines running the xbi that make this such a pain in the ass. i am literally in danger half of the time that im working. and then some. the bad guys see me when im doing my grocerying they see me drag my laundry down the street in my granny cart, they see me getting frozen yogurt with the cheerleaders. at any time they could avenge the death of their father. and thats all during my off hours. and still these jackholes who are supposed to be helping me hurt me at every turn. and all i want to do is get in a hippybus and get the heck out of here.

    why is that so hard to have come true?

    arnold can be governor if he wants and hes not half as qualified for doing that as i am for what i want and he gets it. why. because hes rich. because his friends are rich. because he says hes a repub. because he made movies about killing and death that made people somehow feel good about themselves about and i and committing violence with grammar right now im sorry but i am so pissed off right now and i dont know what is wrong with me but if you saw me in the halls right now i would have the biggest smile but thats so fake and so not true that i just have to do another day of this its killing me.

    before the dot com a few years ago i looked twenty years old. that crazy job and this one equals five years and i swear to you its aged me thirty years. if it wasnt for rogaine and rum and the kindness of the readers of the internet i would look like charles bukowski right now.

    i chatted last night with splinky who i really should travel with cuz shes just as nuts as i am. i love my house as much as she likes hers but we both feel the same way about traveling. the answer is yes. lets go. who the fuck cares where. who the fuck cares how. just go. get out. get away from the demons tapdancing on the dreams. they dont fly first class and bunk in a hostel. they are crushed by adventure. they are destroyed by new friendships found in a tavern where nobody speaks english and nothing is familiar. they get lost in the train stations where all roads lead to everywhere. if theres one thing i dont know about its geography and last night she said lets go here and i said wheres that and she said indonesia and i was ashamed to say wheres indonesia cuz im supposed to be all smart and shit but i asked mr internet and he said indonesia is where bali is and the more i looked and read i realized that bali isnt a country its a city the country is called indonesia and its far as fuck away from this nightmare and i saw the news reports about bali and indonesia and they said something about a bus blowing up and you know what my bus nearly kills me once a week so whats the difference. the difference is better weather and leeches. the difference is the leeches dont pretend to be helping you in indonesia.

    and beer costs a quarter.

    cubs have the day off today and if you think this didnt help me and i dont feel better and i wont look at evil in the eye today and smile and move on move on dont stop and save the world then you dont know me at all.

    artlung + makeout city + totally kickass job last night red sox fans