nothing in here is true

  1. Saturday, October 25, 2003

    directv man came over. 

    ashley directv satellite dishmexican dude named thom.

    he said he knew who i was and it was an honor to hook my ass up.

    he gave me a new directv receiver with tivo built in. he ran a second line from the dish.

    we talked about baseball, black girls, and linux.

    when i tell you i have the greatest life in the world

    then he said have you ever seen the vaporizer

    i was all, yeah, i saw it on venice beach two days ago.

    he said its healthier for you yo.

    77. tom

    thom was about 25, his two way nextel kept beeping and he would say

    im with a customer and shit essay

    and i was telling him about turning the tivo into a 200 hour box and he was all you need a plasma in here

    i was all, duh.

    he told me that hes about to get one for twenty five

    i was all thats a great price

    and he was like yeah

    fell off a truck.

    i laughed and said cant fight gravity.

    when he made the call into direct tv i gave him ten bucks. the whole thing lasted maybe a half hour.

    most of the time he was telling me how sorry he was about the cubs.

    i was wearing my white w tshirt.

    its a white shirt with a huge blue w on it.

    when the cubs win a game they raise a white flag on the flag pole on the corner of waveland and sheffield. on that white flag is a blue w. if they lose they raise a white flag with an l.

    if i was in an punk band i would wear a ripped white tshirt with a big l on it.

    thom said hey how come your house is so messy?

    i said, cuz im about to write a novel.

    he said make sure it starts off great. i’ll put a book down after 5 pages if it starts bad.

    i said, its gonna start off describing this girl from her shoes up to her socks to her knees to her skirt up her blouse over her neck through her hair up and around her lips and eyes and see that shes kissing another girl

    and theyre kissing because theyre happy

    and excited.

    and then we will describe the other girl, but this time from the inside starting at the top through the brain, down the throat through the heart and the lungs in the gut out the ass in through the sex down the legs cuz you can split in two in novels down the calfs and out through the toes.

    thom said and then what.

    and i said and then everything.

    and he said, no specifically what right after that.

    and i said strap on

    and he said strap on? isnt that, you know, played out, obvious.

    i was all, its symbolic

    she straps it on and the chapter ends right there.

    new chapter

    he handed me the phone and i talked to the directv woman and she hooked me up with a sweet little package for six months and we talked about oklahoma football, to which she was quite knowledgeable.

    and we were done and he wrote his name and number on the back of my receipt and he said any time you need anything

    and as good as i was as an installer, i was never half as a good as my man thom was this morning.

    he stays down in hawthorne

    aaron + gorilla + chokey chicken

  2. Friday, October 24, 2003

    elvis did a lot of great things 

    but his first novel wasnt x rated.

    somehow i found a link to the national novel writing month november deal and signed up.

    fuck people who write novels.

    i barely have enough attention to read a novel or two a year, only way im going to be able to write one

    in a month

    is make it dirty enough to keep me interested.

    month of scorpio.


    i have a very hard time writing at night. this would be good exercise. this will be good exercise.

    i also have a hard time writing about sex on my blog. i dont know why.

    i admire all the people who can do it, but i cant. for some dumb reason im always afraid that if i ever do get a job with a high tech company again or one where id get to write, id get googled and found out, and not get the gig.


    this one will be undercover.

    just a little secret between you and me.

    a dirty little


    funny ass

    american novel

    about life in america

    working at mcdonalds

    and banging cheerleaders.

    what else am i gonna do in november?

    im watching the pilot of the new fox series called skin

    its about two families: the d.a, his wife and their virgin “teenage” son; and the porno mogul, his wife, and their super hot virgin “teenage” daughter.

    sadly, its awful.

    each line is delivered so seriously and humorlessly and not in the least bit sexy.

    it wants to be scarface and miami vice and alias and the sopranos and nypd blue but instead all it is is a waste of a great idea.

    of course in the pilot the son and daughter of the different families meet and fall in love without knowing who their daddys are, and of course the moms and dads demand that they break up immediately and of course theyre torn

    im not allowed to see you any more.


    because your father arrested my father and embarrased my whole family over nothing!

    fuck tv writers.

    even my laziest monkeys dont bring that shit to me unless its some fucked up monkeyjoke.

    you know what they said during their fight? the super hot virgin alleged sixteen year old chick who sorta looks like a porn star, and the perfect skinned son of the d.a. which rhymes with gay

    he said go to hell

    she said you first

    quentin made an amazingly violent and bloody movie that in two weeks has grossed $42 million. it opened at number one and last week slipped to number two

    the remake of the texas chainsaw massacre made $28 million

    so if i wanted to please people id write about ultraviolence

    and not sex

    but violence is the easiest thing to write about

    and film

    and do

    being sexy however

    well, then we’re back at elvis again.

    nanowrimo + sk smith + raymis novel would kick mine

  3. hotbabe: what happened today 

    at work that has you so upset

    dumbass: just 2 days of work piled up

    dumbass: this is a super hard job

    dumbass:and people give me no respect

    dumbass:and they dont pay fucking shit

    hotbabe: I know it is, but Tony, you are way to good for that job, you should look for something that better suits your talents

    dumbass:thats why i want to be a strip club dj

    hotbabe: that would not better suit your talents

    dumbass: are you kidding me?

    dumbass: mandy, mandy everyone, lets keep these ladies happy.

    dumbass: next on is roxie, shes from romania, gentlemen

    dumbass: how about a little girls girls girls

    hotbabe: speechless

    dumbass: motley crue

    dumbass: just for you

    dumbass: she might not be naked, but stephanie is at the long bar and shes mixing up some mucho margaritas

    dumbass: on the side stage coming up is verrrrrrronica

    hotbabe: tony

    dumbass: put your hands together down there in the tip rows

    dumbass: dont forget that every tuesday is amateur night

    dumbass: two for one dances

    dumbass: drink specials

    dumbass: and free street parking

    dumbass: if you can find it

    hotbabe: tony

    hotbabe: you are nuts

    dumbass: now a little aeorsmith cuz veronica is an angel

    hotbabe: its called, GET A JOB WRITING

    hotbabe: don’t be so scared of rejection!

    dumbass: just got a note from merle in the mens room…

    dumbass: people, we put tip jars next to the candy jars in there for a reason

    dumbass: if youre going to take the candy, leave a tip, ok?

    dumbass: up next is monique all the way here from pareee

    dumbass: shes 100 per cent all natural

    dumbass: thats au naturalle in her tounge

    hotbabe: ok, I have to go pick up my lunch, i will be back soon, and I want you to CUT IT OUT

    dumbass: and other place too, i bet

  4. Thursday, October 23, 2003

    dear alabama 

    i got your email. youre way too nice. so where have you been? you sounded sorta out of wack. i hope you know im always there for you.

    i wont laugh.

    i took my birthday off, then i took yesterday off too.

    76. David R.

    yesterday i went to the beach. something i never do. i barely went to the beach when i lived a block away from it. but i miss it and yesterday i needed it.

    i woke up at 9am thanks to kristin who called to tell me she was sorry that she didnt call on my birthday. then i wrote for a while, then i played ps2, then i got my shit together and then i left the house by 12:45 which is pretty good for me.

    only reason i was really motivated was cuz i was on my last day of the rentacar and i wanted my moneys worth out of it.

    got on the 101 in the middle of the day which is a treat cuz normally here in LA you wouldnt drive through the valley on the freeway unless you wanted to be stuck in traffic. but at 1pm theres no one there. aint no one on the 405 south either.

    and best of all, aint no one at venice beach

    except for a sprinkling of hotties

    and all the randoms of my old neighborhood

    and me.

    it was super chill, ‘bama, mellow, fun, interesting, cool, perfect weather.

    i walked along the boardwalk, picked up some cheap sunglasses, ate a slice of ‘za and just took pictures of random things. nothing spectacular unless you blow them up full screen, lots of funny tshirts about smoking pot – that seems to be the new big theme of venice.

    its so great to be there when theres no tourists and no bogusness going on. just the locals enjoying the unseasonably warm weather. i think it was an even 80 right there.

    took off my sandals and walked to the beach. then along the water. then on the sand dune. then past maybe 100 seagulls who were half buried in the warm sand, then back to the boardwalk where i talked to a guy who was selling basketball jerseys and hats. we talked about the lakers.

    are there going to be enough balls to go around? will they win every game? will they all stay healthy? do they even need kobe? how deep are you when you have derek fisher as your 6th man and devon george as your 7th? everyone talks to me all the time. doesnt matter what im wearing, doesnt matter how much of a beard i have, or how much of a scumbag i look like, they talk and they like talking and i like talking with them.

    strolled over to my car and someone had put a daisy in my window crack. not everyone else got one. just me.

    drove over to century city. i had a free pass to the amc movies. i actually had two free passes. i may have had more. who knows anymore. took one of my passes with me just in case Lost in Translation was showing at a reasonable time. it was showing at 4:20p. i looked at my sundial and it was 4p. so i walked around the swanky wesssside mall and picked up a memory card for my PS2 and a remote for the DVD part of it.

    did some window shopping at Coach like you should.

    sat down and really enjoyed sofia coppola show me around a little part of tokyo.

    i like her movies because just like my day, theyre carefree in pace, mellow, and subtlely deep.

    the music that she picks is always so good.

    choosing the jesus and mary chain near the end of the film did me so right. i love that band. i was just playing it for the cheerleader the other night if you know what i mean and it was so perfect.

    yesterday was a day off that i needed so badly. i needed to remember how to truly relax.

    got home in time to watch kobe return to the lakers.

    ate pf chang leftovers, got a dirty phonecall from a dirty girl, passed out and woke up in the middle of the night with the front door still open and the neighbors dog licking my plate clean.

    layne had warned me about those dogs.

    i hope splinky gets something fast + i should be linking bloopy more often + makeout city is back

  5. last night my true love took me 

    to pf changs where she liquored me up and then straight to the strip club where we sat in the back talking about girls and then she bought me a lap dance.

    the stripper was a really tall romanian girl whos fake name was roxie, short for roxanne.

    she asked if my girl would like to join us in the champagne room and i said yes, that i think she would.

    so all three of us went back there.

    i was nervous because i had heard that lap dances had been banned from la county, so i wasnt sure what was going to happen back there.

    roxie asked if my girl wanted to hold my hand while she “danced” for me and i had to tell her that she wasnt my girl, she was my exgirl

    after the dance roxie asked how do you do it

    i said first some little kisses behind the neck…

    she said no, laughed, and then nodded over at my true love who was digging into her cigarette case full of twenties.

    i said, i dont know, roxie.

    the whole time she was playing with my fro and she said just keep on doing what youre doing then.

    just one of the very nice unexpected morsels of niceness that i received yesterday. and im so thankful, so if you will indulge me, i would like to thank some people right now before i go to the beach.

    thanks so much to rene for the delicious meal, rum, coke, beer, beer, table dance, table dance, lap dance, lap dance, lap dance, beer, beer, and body shot.

    and thanks for then letting us go to the strip club.

    just kidding.

    thanks to all my friends on the internet who linked to me yesterday and said nice things. especially splink who hardly ever links anyone, tracy who posted some classic pics from my favorite chapbook, greg who put up a picture of me looking like a total dork, sepi who complimented my archives, and kate who posted my favorite part of the wedding service sermon thing too.

    romance is everything, rock writer.

    thanks to all the people who called me and left messages and sent emails, especially nicolette who i havent seen in a long time and seana fitt who i havent seen in a really long time. both lovely surprises.

    also super cool were the emails i got from ashley and chris c who each spent a lot of time in photoshop for my unworthy ass.

    i would like to thank david r. who wrote me to wish me a happy birthday and asked what my paypal email address was he could flow to the busblog since paypal wasnt working right then through the link, and i told him that my paypal email address is paypal@tonypierce.com.

    speaking of which, thanks to jason r. for his donation to the car fund

    and to my mom for hers!

    74. jason r.

    75. mom

    my mom also sent a nice big box of bittersweet newspapers from the cubs’ stretch run and playoffs, a great cubs W shirt, and a W car flag, and a fluffy cubs blanket, and a 1908 cubs hat like one i had when i was a kid.

    also much thanks has to go to the good people of Blogger who sent me a blue blogger hoodie which coincidentally arrived yesterday. coincidence because any blogger who was paying for Blogger Pro got a hoodie if they filled out the form last month.

    either way, kimbalina from blogger sent me nice wishes through the aim chat yesterday, and it is always nice when someone from the home office says hi, and eternal thanks goes to her and the company that she works for because probably none of you would be reading this without them. that number again: none.

    ok, maybe eight.

    thank you to elliot smith for putting a knife into his heart about a mile away from here, killing himself, thus taking some of the spotlight away from the anniversary of my birth. i have a bizarre relationship with public attention, so i thank you for diverting some of it away with that knife

    into your heart.

    thanks to fred “rerun” berry for also dying yesterday and not taking more attention away from my special day, but sharing in the glow. whats happening was one of my favorite tv shows growing up. there werent that many black shows out back then, and the ones they had were all really great. sanford & son, good times, fat albert, flip wilson, the jeffersons, whats happening, and later the cosby show were huge triumphs in breaking down ideas as to what blacks could do on tv and whether it would interest white america.

    rerun epitomized the soul of a group of young black kids in the show filled with great characters.

    sorry the last thing you ever did on tv was star dates.

    so today, right now, im charging my camera batteries cuz im taking my rentacar to venice beach to take some pictures for you, cuz when im not making beautiful love with girls way out of my league, my favorite thing to do is take pictures and show them to you on this blog.

    thanks for always being there.

    your pal,


  6. Wednesday, October 22, 2003

    today some of the things in here will be true 

    big titted hot chick came over last night through the back door.

    hadnt seen her in a while

    i always forget how hot she is and i told her that and she took offense but it was actually a compliment. my brain is just telling me that theres no way that sort of girl should be coming over to my house but thankfully life isnt fair.

    only a few hours before she knocked i was getting written up over at the xbi.

    and when it was over i walked to my desk and my coworkers had gotten me a birthday pie which we ate.

    at the xbi when they write you up they strap you to a lie detector and take your blood and piss samples and give you a rorschach test to which i just kept saying blood splattered on a sidewalk which in most companies would raise an eyebrow but at the xbi there actually may have been actual blood on the damn pictures.

    i was unprepared for the meeting to be honest. i forgot one very important fact. sad thing is nobody woulda cared. those sorts of instances everyone has made up their mind already. the document has been written. where youre supposed to sign is clear.

    i never sign my real name on things like that.

    they never notice.

    poor sonny i. lavista.

    when i was done the doctor came in and told everyone that i passed my piss tests

    and someone said what about his blood

    and the doctors eyebrows twisted up and he said

    strangest thing

    we think we found traces of

    baseball fever

    in there, which could have been the cause of his unusual behavoir

    but the people had gotten their signed papers and they walked out

    this chick has the most beautiful eyes last night thick lips very soft smooth skin

    pretty much everything

    i was all

    mind if i put my hands all over you

    she was like

    you better.

    xtracyx + chuck olsen + bunnie + splinky

  7. Tuesday, October 21, 2003

    what are you doing for ramadan? 

    i cant believe how quickly it got here and i dont have a thing to wear.

    i never have anything to wear.

    hot chick called up crying last night. im a sucker for cute girls who hiccup as they cry. its hard to hang up, its hard to be a good friend cuz wild thoughts go through my head even if the girls have boyfriends. its not always good to have a quote unquote creative mind, cuz weird things run through it.

    when she left the message she was sobbing and didnt go into the story much. sounded suicidal if you ask me. but what do i know, everything sounds suicidal to me.

    a cheerleader got drunk with me last night after work. we walked to a local bar that i never had been to before. we watched the raiders game. then she took a cab home. so there it was not even ten pm and i was drunk and playing my playstation2, some hockey game that im getting really good at, and i hear the phone ring, i hear the caller ID tell me whos calling, i tap the pause button and listen to the message and it was so sad.

    so i called her back and she told me that she was upset with her boyfriend and she needed to talk to a friend and i told her that i wasnt in any position to be her friend, that i was drunk, and only two things come out of my mouth when im drunk, poetry and filth, and i havent written a poem in long time.

    she sniffled and even laughed and i said i had to go and she said please dont and i said i must and then her man finally came home and youd think enrique englasias would have a thick accent, but i guess he only pretends to have one when hes on tv.

    and i told her that the next time she calls she cant cry and she cant be depressed because gay male friends is who hot chicks should call when theyre crying and depressed, not guys like me.

    i dont want to be that guy.

    i wanna be a way different guy that hot babes call. one that they call when they get a new catsuit they want to try on for to see if it looks too slutty for a work halloween party.

    coyote + the ward + sheila o’malley

  8. the busblog hasnt been the same this month 

    friends, and for this i apologize. especially to my regular readers.

    the cubs drive to the world series took me away emotionally and mentally and i admit i havent been thinking about the blog the way i normally do.

    then the bus strike happened. how are you supposed to write a bus blog when youre driving a rentacar to work each day?

    then there was bonnie and charlies wedding and that is still on my mind because it was such an amazing experience.

    wednesday is the anniversary of my birth. 110 years ago i let out my first cry, and some would say i havent shut my mouth since.

    the xbi in all their mercy has allowed for me to take the day off tomorrow and the day after to recover.

    not sure how much i will write to you on those days, but i hope that if i write, that it will be something interesting to you.

    the plan, as it has been leaked to me, is that my true love and another exgirlfriend will take a limo to santa barbara tomorrow afternoon. once there we will dine on seafood and wine and attend a burlesque performance of some sort. then we will eat ice cream on the ride back down to LA.

    all while doing dozens of jello shots.

    so if you dont see this beautiful mess updated much in the next few days, now you’ll understand.

    back to the bus situation, i dont like not having the busses and the subway. i sorta like having a car, but dealing with things like traffic, and people who wont let you over to the lane that you want, and parking, and locking your car, etc., are pleasures that i can do without.

    sadly, though, it looks like i might have to suck it up and actually purchase a used vehicle. im not proud of this decision, but a man does have to get to work and it doesnt look like the bus strike will end any time soon.

    people try to encourage me by telling me that i will begin to enjoy the freedom again of being able to drive anywhere in this beautiful city. but ive seen this place plenty, i dont need that sort of freedom.

    what i need to do is focus more on writing, and writing well, and i cant do that on the 405 on my way to redondo.

    only thing i can see me doing if i had a car would be driving to crazy places to buy stupid things, listening to way too much talk radio, and getting stuck in traffic jams.

    i like the simple life that has been handed to me: wake up, fight crime, go home, write, pass out.

    ive had a car for a week and outside of the required engagements that i was committed to doing in regards to the wedding, for the most part i have driven home from work and thats it. i think cars have become lost on me.

    all i want them for right now is for long journeys. like to vegas. or to memphis.

    or to norman.

    madpony + thistle and maple leaf + the fat guy