tonight im not going to have sex with a super cool,

very fun, super smart, big titted hot chick. but i am going to sleep with her. and i havent mastur-you know- in almost a week. and i have porn playing on my tv right now. and she is incredibly soft. and her roommate is gone. and she has a great bed. and i have like 100 condoms.

its an experiment in stupidity. the idea is to rile myself up so much while i write this dirty novel, that hopefully, as it gets written, it will get hotter and more crazed with each turn of the page.

heres how i got the date, since the kids always ask me how i do it:

Superhotbabe: did you leave yet?

dumbme: no

dumbme: im about to go in the shower

Superhotbabe: ok, are you sleeping over

dumbme: ok do you want me to?

Superhotbabe: well, its up to you

dumbme: actually its up to you

Superhotbabe: well it could be fun

Superhotbabe: I am inviting you

Superhotbabe: but it is up to you to accept

dumbme: i accept

Superhotbabe: ok

dumbme: maybe you should wear something sexy

Superhotbabe: you think?

dumbme: i need to be riled up as i write

Superhotbabe: hmmmm

dumbme: i dont need to be

dumbme: but i think it would be good

dumbme: for the art

Superhotbabe: you got it, now get in the shower

dumbme: can i put this chat on my page?

Superhotbabe: sure

dumbme: i’ll change your name… slightly

Superhotbabe: ok

dumbme: thanks!

Superhotbabe: see you soon

dumbme: probably 915

Superhotbabe: ok

dumbme: do you want a burger?

Superhotbabe: come in and get a parking pass

Superhotbabe: no, i already ate

dumbme: ok

dumbme: do you need anything?

Superhotbabe: no, i’m good thanks

dumbme: k bye!

Superhotbabe: bye

there you have it, all my secrets revealed

for your ass.

bastard family + twisted fans + pressure zone

dear cheetah’s strip club,

hi. my name is tony. youre my local gentleman’s club and i would like to write a blog for you.

whats a blog? its a web page where i would document the day to day activities of your club.

dont worry, i would leave out all the monkey business and top secret stuff. and i would make up good junk to keep the kids from being bored.

why do you need a blog? oh man, im so glad you asked that!

i think you need a blog because the few times ive been there it was empty. that was good news to me cuz i got paid so much attention it wasnt even really fair, but thats not the way you really want things to stay do you?

maybe you do.

maybe its all a big front.

maybe its all just a little front. regardless, i think i could do this and do it right for you.

strip clubs are all pretty much the same. i know people will disagree but fuck them. what are the top three strip clubs in america?

theres the mitchell brothers place in frisco. theres scores in nyc. and then what… one of the places in vegas?

call me crazy, but a kickass blog about a hollywood hole-in-the-wall strip joint on hollywood blvd could help raise said club to #4 in the nation: on recognition alone.

think about all the tourists who come to LA. half of them are men. and half of them are unattached. maybe half of them would be interested in seeing some california girls dance around and take off their pants.

do a blog right, cheetahs, and when those men come to LA they will be asking directions to hollywood blvd. and not to see mann’s chinese theatre, i assure you.

ok i dont assure you, but i bet ya.

i’ll bet ya thirty grand.

pay me thirty grand over a year, let me show up at the club around dinner time and stay till close 5 nights a week and after six months if i havent increased traffic in that place cuz of a dumbass blog, then i will give you thirty grand.

ok, twenty grand.

ok nothing.

i cant bet you anything, im broke, but you know it would help.

and if you cant get me thirty grand, how about twenty and free drinks?

your pal,


p.s. the kids tell me im a really good righter

ultrablognetic + a dog named clipper + zak + alecia made a photo essay!

man did the fit hit the shan today.

karisa we broke something so wide open, and all by accident. it is nuts.

i dont know how much blogging im going to be able to do today cuz the can of worms is a big can and theres lots of worms.

and its just as gross.


please someone hire me. soon. please.

pretty please.

you know youre in the wrong job when, after you do a good job, a great job even, that you dont want anything to do with any of it.

imagine being a great bank robber and not wanting any of the booty.

its sorta like that. except im a helicopter pilot who fights crime and keeps the city safe for the good people of los angeles.

im writing my novel again, fyi.

a super hot girl sent me four topless pictures of herself. same girl who sent me the one the other day. i told her that for each picture she sent i would write one page of my novel.

so i wrote. it only took 45 minutes, and i still took a few smoke breaks. and i knocked out 4 pages no problem, and it was good, i think. and its cuz of her. so thank you mysterious exhibitionist from whereever youre from.

you either helped inspire something that will go down as the sun also rises of a new generation, or the hustler of novels.

for the record, im not enjoying writing this novel.

its really hard. im sure i will fail. im sure it wont be fun to read. im sure your opinion of me will change, but i do want to finish what i have started because i have a bad habit of starting projects and not finishing them and karisa is one of my heroes because she almost always finishes what she starts.

in her only marathon appearance, the LA Marathon a few years back, she tore her quad muscle on mile 25 and still finished it, bloody toes, cramped muscles and ripped ones. she had to finish.

i want to feel that way about things, but i dont even finish my baja burrito half the time, and that girl will not only finish her meal, but she will eat the ice, every cube, from her dr. pepper.

karisa called me today from mass. she was at a bachelorette party last night and she fell off her barstool.

whats cuter than that?

terrible beauty + spit circle + perotheus