a lot of the youth of the internet

email and chat and telephone me to ask for advice. some will even stop me right there in the middle of the damn street.

i always take time out for the kids because like whitney houston i believe that children are our future.

often they ask me about matters of love, stock tips, playstation 2 tricks, or writing secrets.

sometimes they even ask about sex.

infact, it’s not unusual to hear something along these lines:

tony, i have this video tape of a hot girl i banged and i dont know what to do with it.

as a matter of fact, the other day someone told me that they had such a tape and they were thinking about selling it on their website.

i asked the young man if he was going to split the proceeds with his costar to which he said thus:

fuck that shit, this bitch is loaded!

which made sense because he was quite well off himself.

but since he asked me, i told the fellow that any time we get any, we being men, we need to respect whats going on. and when in doubt, be gentlemen.

a gentleman, i said, i doubt, would sell a sex tape of a young woman who didnt want the tape out there.

straight up.

infact the general rule of thumb that ive always respected is if a lovely wants any of her naked pictures or videos back she gets them back, no questions asked.

and on top of that, store all homemade porn off of the computer. you do this for two reasons: 1) in this peer-to-peer culture we are lucky to enjoy, you dont want to accidentally “share” your escapades with every pimply faced kid on kazaa

and 2) in the always-on high speed broadband valhalla we’re stoked with, you dont want a lucky bot or nosy hacker to break into your box and leave with a folder of your finest hours.

and since even hard drives can fail from time to time, its good to have a backup on a cd. which is a good idea for the rest of your dumb stuff too.

today i received via email the three minute sex tape sample of the paris hilton dealie thing.

paris loves the camera. does now, did when she was 19 and made this thing with rick solomon who directed and starred and is now trying to release it.

i have several questions of mr. solomon.

first being, whys he gotta be a bitch?

hes a handsome, rich, well endowed young man who was married to shannen doherty and obviously got it on at least once with ms. hilton, which probably means he’s always done well with the ladies.

so why expose paris like this? we all know shes not a virgin. and we also know shes rich. if he’s hurtin for money, just have someone pass the tape over to mr. hilton and name a price.

im sure paris’s dad would be happy to write a check for however many millions it would take to keep the tape of his little girl out of the hands of the world and the web.

so why be a dick about it?

you know why, america? cuz guys who are dicks get laid too.

my other question to the director is, whats up with the nightvision? paris looks at the camera, adjusts herself so that she is in the center of the frame, why not turn a light so we can see the poor girl.

number one thing i tell the ladies who send me their pictures: think about your lighting.

a $25 halogen lamp in the corner of a room can do wonders.

trust me.

the number two thing i request of them: switch on the red-eye reducer.

master the flash, think about lighting.

not only is the video dark and green, but when paris looks into the camera her pupils glow like neon, like deer in the headlights, like a racoon in the viewfinder of a rifle held by a man who has caught him in his trash cans for the final time.

as the guy said in the first beverly hills cop movie

thats not sexy.

paris, however, overcomes all of these obstacles and remains one of the hottest babes to ever get documented getting down.

she looks young, she looks skinny, and her boobs look bigger than i would have expected.

and kudos for going down on the guy.

everyone who called her a priss all these years can now only refer to her as a slut.

which she isnt.

shes just loving

and hot

and free

and far too trusting of the man with the big dong

and the nightvision camera.

allison + muscle68 + holiday.htm

dear democratic national committee,

the repubs are not very happy about me asking you to let me write a blog for you.

they know that if you said yes its over for them.

they want to try to confuse you by bringing up silly questions like “why would anyone pay you $2 mil for a blog.”

like they dont spend two mil on the gas for their hummers.

like they dont contribute to the rnc.

like they dont even blink even once when prince george asked for $85 billion to go to iraq and not find saddam and get a couple hundred of our boys kilt.

fuck them and their questions.

they know their little plans are shot to hell and their future is doomed if you hand over the money.

i was thinking i might need $2.1 though. i need to hire charles johnson at little green footballs.

its not enough to educate the world about the impotence of the republican party. everyone understands that other than getting themselves elected theyre basically useless while once in office. even my dog says duh to that one.

but what charles would do is be fearless about showing us who the real terrorists are. the saudis.

one reason the dnc blog would be worth the money would be we’d expose the truth while getting dems elected.

how much is that worth?

$2.1 is pocketchange for barbra streisand and tim robbins and sean penn and bill gates. and if you dont think the rnc isnt hooking drudge up with fat paychecks and a decent sized staff you probably believe that reagan bush didnt trade arms for hostages.

we’re through the lookingglass, people.

youre playing this game like its a game, and theyre playing it like its a war. ironic thing is they suck at real war, they cant find saddam, werent even close in finding osama. they have every tool of war ever known to man or beast and they’re getting their hats handed to them by serb mercenaries and kids.

sad thing is, when you play this game like a war you play it like the brits did in the 1700s, you stand in a line and wear red jackets, and theyre up in the trees hiding and picking you off one by one.

how on earth could you let them pretend that monica lewinsky had anything to do with whitewater and that whitewater had anything to do with something that should be allowed to impeach a president? do you let people walk all over you all the time?


anyway, the superheroes have been identified and theyre ready to rock the boat.

$2.1. hurry up.

your dream come true,


jeff jarvis + blogumentary + fimoculous

im in love with a pretty girl, america.


she lives in europe though so that makes me sad. mostly im happy though because she says the sweetest things to me. some so sweet its hard to believe.

she might be the princess of sweden, im not supposed to disclose that.

she showed off the other night with her tripod and her time lapse photography outside her castle and sent it to me.

i was all, hey, thats a lot different than all these other chicks who send me nude pics.

she was all, All of them?

i was all, no not all of them, just the ones who truly lust me.

she was all, well im not just any dumb girl.

and i said, pardon me missy, but these arent dumb girls, theyre great girls and theyre so into it that they get topless.

she was like, i thought you said they got nude.

i said, i meant topless.

she was like, well hell, i can get topless.

i was all, what are you ashamed of downtown?

she was like, nothing, im just not a ditzy slut.

i was all, yeah but how do i know youre not a dude.

she goes, fine. and then bam, nude picture of the princess of sweden. i mean of some eurobabe.



our chats get a little racy. apparently princesses, i mean eurogirls, get a little nervous about who they sexchat with and who they send nudes to, so she has had all these dirty things that shes wanted to tell someone for a long time and i got to be the lucky recipient.

so i would tell her naturally, that she was turning me on, and she would tell me that she didnt believe me.

so i told her that i would count every time i became aroused.

she said, please dont put this on your blog or you’ll never get a job with the dnc.

i was all, dont worry baby, those fools arent gonna give me two million bucks to save their party, theyve given up entirely. they dont even try any more.

she asked, is it really that bad?

i was all, sadly, i think it is that bad. theyre writing haikus, baby.

she said, fuck.

i said, theyre a shade away from the green party with that shit.

she said, i just got some new knickers.

i said 7

she said whats that

i said every time you get me riled up, so to speak, im going to count. i told you that.

then she told me this story.


then she told me what she was wearing.


then she told me she lusted me


then she told me what swedish girls do on the long dark winter nights while they were talking to american guys via the wonders of the innernet and i told her i didnt have any more fingers to count on.

so she made me a little movie on her little camera and i told her i wanted to marry her.

and she said ok.

but i was serious.

gorilla mask + the ward + beautiful mistake

i saw duran duran play at the forum

new years eve, december nine teen ninety three. adam ant opened and the village people went on at around ten and then duran duran came on. me and jeanine had general admission floor access. it was great.

i remember this clearly because i’d just seen nirvana play there the night before. if you have the muddy banks, heart shaped box was that night.

kurt seemed super fragile that night. his arms were out like ozzy how when he walks.

but when he began a-rockin, all that robert johnson creepiness came out and threw that poor guys body all around and it was magical.

little did we know it in 93, but it was one of the last times nirvana would play in the us.

’93 was also about ten years too late to see duran duran, and here it is ten years after that and they decide to sneak in a comeback.

im old enough to remember a time when duran duran was the coolest thing there was.

when their music was on the radio, or playing in your car, everything you were doing was suddenly classy.

they made an unplugged record on mtv in 93, but they really should make another one cuz that one never got released really in the usa.

if i was letterman, id let them play on the show every night for a week.

if i was whoever their label is, id let tsar open for them. again.

im not a negative thinking man, but i would probably guess that it would be hard to be married and playing in duran duran. imagine the temptations.

the ladies get dressed up to see duran duran.

who the hell did i see the nirvana show with?

anyway, the band that you’d get if you merged duran duran and nirvana together, of course, would be tsar.

and they’re playing tonight.

amy has been showing us nyc through her cam phone + gweilo diaries + leah