1. Monday, November 10, 2003

    a lot of the youth of the internet 

    email and chat and telephone me to ask for advice. some will even stop me right there in the middle of the damn street.

    i always take time out for the kids because like whitney houston i believe that children are our future.

    often they ask me about matters of love, stock tips, playstation 2 tricks, or writing secrets.

    sometimes they even ask about sex.

    infact, it’s not unusual to hear something along these lines:

    tony, i have this video tape of a hot girl i banged and i dont know what to do with it.

    as a matter of fact, the other day someone told me that they had such a tape and they were thinking about selling it on their website.

    i asked the young man if he was going to split the proceeds with his costar to which he said thus:

    fuck that shit, this bitch is loaded!

    which made sense because he was quite well off himself.

    but since he asked me, i told the fellow that any time we get any, we being men, we need to respect whats going on. and when in doubt, be gentlemen.

    a gentleman, i said, i doubt, would sell a sex tape of a young woman who didnt want the tape out there.

    straight up.

    infact the general rule of thumb that ive always respected is if a lovely wants any of her naked pictures or videos back she gets them back, no questions asked.

    and on top of that, store all homemade porn off of the computer. you do this for two reasons: 1) in this peer-to-peer culture we are lucky to enjoy, you dont want to accidentally “share” your escapades with every pimply faced kid on kazaa

    and 2) in the always-on high speed broadband valhalla we’re stoked with, you dont want a lucky bot or nosy hacker to break into your box and leave with a folder of your finest hours.

    and since even hard drives can fail from time to time, its good to have a backup on a cd. which is a good idea for the rest of your dumb stuff too.

    today i received via email the three minute sex tape sample of the paris hilton dealie thing.

    paris loves the camera. does now, did when she was 19 and made this thing with rick solomon who directed and starred and is now trying to release it.

    i have several questions of mr. solomon.

    first being, whys he gotta be a bitch?

    hes a handsome, rich, well endowed young man who was married to shannen doherty and obviously got it on at least once with ms. hilton, which probably means he’s always done well with the ladies.

    so why expose paris like this? we all know shes not a virgin. and we also know shes rich. if he’s hurtin for money, just have someone pass the tape over to mr. hilton and name a price.

    im sure paris’s dad would be happy to write a check for however many millions it would take to keep the tape of his little girl out of the hands of the world and the web.

    so why be a dick about it?

    you know why, america? cuz guys who are dicks get laid too.

    my other question to the director is, whats up with the nightvision? paris looks at the camera, adjusts herself so that she is in the center of the frame, why not turn a light so we can see the poor girl.

    number one thing i tell the ladies who send me their pictures: think about your lighting.

    a $25 halogen lamp in the corner of a room can do wonders.

    trust me.

    the number two thing i request of them: switch on the red-eye reducer.

    master the flash, think about lighting.

    not only is the video dark and green, but when paris looks into the camera her pupils glow like neon, like deer in the headlights, like a racoon in the viewfinder of a rifle held by a man who has caught him in his trash cans for the final time.

    as the guy said in the first beverly hills cop movie

    thats not sexy.

    paris, however, overcomes all of these obstacles and remains one of the hottest babes to ever get documented getting down.

    she looks young, she looks skinny, and her boobs look bigger than i would have expected.

    and kudos for going down on the guy.

    everyone who called her a priss all these years can now only refer to her as a slut.

    which she isnt.

    shes just loving

    and hot

    and free

    and far too trusting of the man with the big dong

    and the nightvision camera.

    allison + muscle68 + holiday.htm