nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, November 25, 2003

    as you might know, 

    LA blogger Luke Ford was on 60 minutes a few days ago, and as you know i’m a big fan of mr. ford.

    But when i saw what he was saying on 60 minutes it was hard for me to think that he wasnt completely full of shit.

    The most glaring load he hurled at me as I sat in my den this past Sunday was when he ripped this one: “It’s become popular, cool, acceptable in this 18-to-25 age group. My age group, I’m 37, my age group and up, we think porn is something that’s shameful. But for kids half my age, they think it’s cool.”

    Adult film is a billion dollar business. Billion with a B as in boo-yah. And it’s been popular since the first caveman chiseled the first titty on a wall. Of all people Luke Ford, formerly of lukeford.com knows this. He also knows that once you turn 26 you dont suddenly consider it “shameful.”

    60 Minutes showed many people standing in line at an Adult Film convention looking middle class, happy, and well beyond the prized 18-25 demo. I saw a couple who looked 50+. And then the narrator told us that there’s even porn for “the ’60 Minutes’ set.”

    Luke, I dont think college boys are buying Gangbang Granny. Theyre not renting it either.

    people getting it on isnt shameful. nude boobies arent shameful. adult fantasies played out in the privacy of one’s own home arent shameful either.

    whats shameful is distorting the truth, a truth very few men know as intimately as my man Luke. The porn industry might be a dirty filthy shamefully-run machine, but arent most entertainment industries? Doesnt major leauge baseball do shameful things, doesnt the US government?

    what porn can teach us is that thats the shame we should avoid.

    whereas the “shame” typically tied to doing totally natural, loving things with ones spouse or boyfriend shouldnt be looked at with negative connotations. and if people want to do it on tape or dvd, i fail to see the shame in that either. infact im encouraged by adult stars who have rid themselves of the shame that humans are taught to feel about their bodies.

    now i havent been 37 for a long long time. but i’ll tell you this, if we had dvds back in the 40s when i was 37 we too would have thought that it was “cool”. if we would have had jenna and janine and monica sweetheart and kelly o’dell and raylene and shane and the vivid girls maybe the 50s wouldnt have been so repressed and maybe we wouldnt be so uptight in america in places like beaches where we have laws against women sunbathing topless.


    and not to get into someones religious business, but why is it in the handful of events that i saw my buddy Luke at he was always wearing his yarmulke, and yet as soon as 60 minutes shows up hes just a good-looking aussie, as opposed to a good-looking aussie jew?

    tell you this my friends, if you ever see my ass on 60 minutes, i wont spread generalizations about 110 year olds, and i will be sporting my cubs hat.

    cuz i represent.

    bring back the old luke! or the 18-24 luke!

    luke ford dot net

  2. tsar decided to play every single song off their new cd 

    in order, for their last free show at the silverlake lounge last night.

    i had a good spot. still i didnt take very good pictures. i sorta suck. but still, heres what ive got to show you, and heres what mc brown has for your asses.

    my night began very nicely when greg vaine came over to my house to kick back a few and listen to the rough mixes of his upcoming cd. so good to hear gregs guitarplaying again. no offense to everyone else in LA who plays guitar, but greg is still the king. you know, he started this gangsta shit.

    then we drove to the silverlake lounge, met jeanine outside a liquor store. she bought a little deal of whiskey and tucked it into her size 2 waist. and drank it right there in front of the club. she looked so hot that a suv sped past and crashed into a stop light.

    then it backed up and sped away.

    craziest thing i ever seen.

    then tsar came out and blew our minds

    yet again.

    same as it ever was.

    we screamed for an encore and they gave up one.

    had to.

    it was I Dont Wanna Break up.

    it was perfect.

    then me and jeanine went to midnight tacos and i had a chicken burrito with cheese.

    then i got an email from someone who pointed to my main page and said

    andrew sullivan wished he could do this shit + my corvids review is #15 today on popdex

  3. Monday, November 24, 2003

    its funny that people always want to disturb me when i write. 

    maybe its not funny. maybe it means that i always want to write. i do.

    i want to write about how people say theres no seasons in LA. and how theyre wrong. everyone has sweaters and hats and scarves today. it was cold last night. maybe 30? i had the electric blanket on. i have my google fleece on.

    i want to write about how the subways and busses were free last week. and on friday everyone caught on and decided to ride it en mass. it was crowded. lots of white people that youd never see on that thing in a million years.

    i want to write about how the subways only had four cars today. monday. how the sign apologized for the inconvenience and how i flipped it off.

    theres a bunch of hippies who pass out fliers as you get on the bus. the busriders union. they tell you things like how the mta gets a million dollars a day from tax money anyhow, so they didnt care about the strike, and they dont care if youre late for work.

    they dont care about me so much that theyre raising the costs to ride the bus next year and theyre even doing away with transfers and bus passes are getting raised to $52 which doesnt give a guy much of a discount, just a convenience.

    mta is dumb. and they’re mean. how do you raise your rates and take away transfers if most of the time you have to stand up in the trains or busses?

    i want to write about how i got a part time job offer the other day. pretty much a dream gig, but im so wiped out after doing my 10 hours at the xbi that i barely have time to write on this thing. but dude, if youre reading this, thank you for the offer.

    i wish i could take it.


    i just want to do a good job at whatever i do, especially if it’s writing.

    kat + i heart ms iverson + kat

  4. i get lots of emails from lots of people 

    and i would say that most of them are from college-aged young men.

    now this isnt the way that i set this shit up to work out, but you get what you get and you live with it.

    every once in a while i get a troubling email from a young man who says he wants to end it.

    i hate those emails. it puts a lot of pressure on me. and libras arent the best shoulders to cry on. we might just be the worst.

    so heres what i will tell you, my friend. college is tough. its the best time of your life, which is sorta freaky, but it’ll still be tough.

    there were times, especially in college, when i wanted to end it all. and i am happy that i didnt.

    since college ive done an awful lot. i still dont have a car. i still dont have my dream job. but no way could i have known in college that my life would have ended up the way it has, and in lots and lots of ways its way better than i ever thought it would be.

    when i was in college, for instance, there was no such thing as mp3s

    or free porn

    or paris hilton having sex on my computer

    there wasnt anything like blogger.

    we werent hooked up for the internet in any of the homes that i lived in.

    the cubs didnt have any pitching.

    hot girls werent emailing me pics of their hot bodies.

    you couldnt type tony into google and it would be second only to the Tony awards.

    there wasnt even Google.

    so much changes so fast my friends that it could change for the good, even if you dont see the light at the end of the tunnel.

    you’ll have to trust me on this.

    one thing that i did when i was in my darkest hour was this: if i thought i was going to take a dangerous risky dumbass risk, i first asked out a super hot girl to the movies.

    if she said no, i asked out a girl even hotter than her.

    if she said no, i went to the movies alone.

    then i wrote something.

    some might say all that college angst and struggle ended up starting a pretty good habit.

    keep rockin,

    and drink the beer. it’s there for a reason.


    100 moons + steph + blook II faq

  5. Sunday, November 23, 2003

    the corvids 


    fought down

    scrubjay records

    ken layne gave me credit for writing the first review of the new corvids record a few weeks ago. but that wasn’t a proper review. this is the proper review, cuz this record deserves a proper review, and since im the least trustworthy reviewer of this record since i live in kens former apartment and type to you from the very closet that he typed from not long ago, im obviously biased, influenced, and i hear things in this cd that bring up deep personal memories and secret smiles.

    one of my x girlfriends sings on my favorite song on the disc, the bass player used to be my business partner, the rhythm guitarist and i coached a little league team together, the drummer is in my favorite band, and the german lead guitarist still has his futon in my closet.

    so when i say this is the best record of the year, you might not want to run over to the link to get it, you should probably walk.

    me, i like the rock music. i like a little country tossed in there. i like creepy rollicking tunes and slow sad ones.

    i like hearing a little tom petty mixed with springsteens nebraska. nick cave, gimme shelter, and blood and chocolate. and laynes baritone and humor definitely hearken back the days of country dick montana and the beat farmers, and i also hear some lone justice in there, peter case.

    i hear what beck shoulda been going for instead of bowing to the false idols who bow to gordon lightfoot.

    layne sounds drunk, sounds like hes been smoking cigarettes, sounds like hes playing real music with real friends.

    sounds like something paul westerberg would like to put together if he didn’t have to constantly live up to the ideal of a genius.

    sounds like the happiest harmonica ive heard in a long long long long time.

    now the cute story that people should be talking about in the blogosphere is that this is a band of two mighty political bloggers: ken layne and matt welch, the brains behind la examiner, the blog that inspired former los angeles mayor richard riordan to start a newspaper that would compete with the la times.

    riordan was this close to hiring ken and matt, but eventually decided that he would rather die rich than great.

    on bass and drums are jeff solomon and steve coulter, respectively, members of rock group tsar.

    solomon and welch wrote and edited at the daily nexus at uc santa barbara. coulter didn’t attend ucsb, but often visited to be with his friends and play in bands in isla vista. at the time he dated laura crane who a few years ago married ken.

    that’s not laura who ken is kissing in the picture above, that’s kim who is now dating os, who sings with jeanine on the tune “worried.”

    os dated jeanine in prauge after she and i broke up.

    is it cool? os hosts the busblog doesn’t he? of course it’s cool.

    axel is from germany, then he moved to london. he told me that country music makes him laugh. hes the secret weapon of this band. he plays like a ringer. he plays like the guy the georgia satellites were trying to play like and i betcha axel aint never of the damn georgia satellites and hes an inch away from sounding like j mascis and im not sure if hes heard of him neither.

    this record will start making you want to talk like tom sawyer.

    its what friends sound like who have great voices, great stories, great songs, and drink great wines.

    and the scary thing is, if these people and a couple more just wanted to get together and sing and record, they could put together probably eight more of these cds.

    do yourself a favor and pick this one up.

    it’s the first one.

    you’re in for a good time.

    listen to a sample or five + just go on and get it + scrubjay records

  6. Saturday, November 22, 2003
  7. my first answering machine audio 

    Powered by audblogpost

    powered by audblog

    so my man noah emailed me yesterday to tell me that my first audblog post had reached #40 on popdex.

    today it’s still climbing at #36.

    is there really nothing more interesting on the web?

    this is my first answering machine message audio post.

    not only do you get to hear kristin from madpony, allison from meltingdolls, but you get os calling long distance from france and not one, not two, but three messages from karisa.

    and of course, it all starts with ashley

    1. ashley “answer your phone”

    2. karisa and kerrie driving to hardwick “we got a fucking suite for the wedding tomorrow.”

    3. kristin, “i was calling to say hi and i have a question…”

    4. os “i’m calling from paris to say go cubs.”

    5. liz and karisa at 3am “call us back, we love you…”

    6. karisa and liz at 4:30am “we’re just bored and calling you…”

    7. allison “bye.”

  8. Friday, November 21, 2003

    man was i busy today. 

    im not really sure if ive worked that hard since, hell, its been a while, maybe back at the dot com when i was hiring 30 to 50 people a week.

    its friday night. its eleven pm. the hot girl from last night is doing a shoot at the roosevelt hotel in hollywood and after she says shes coming straight over to finish what was started last n’ and i dont really talk sex talk in here but what the hell.

    last night she said that she was wantin it but was a little sore in the hey nanu nanu. so i was totally cool with just falling asleep holding her. but this is a reason i date girls, as i was falling asleep she took my hands and was basically all, dude.

    one thing led to another and shes whispering for me to take off her bra.

    just so happens thats one of my favorite little hobbies.

    had to do this one left handed , eyes closed, while kissing and this girl has something to put in that bra, lemme tell you.

    maybe we should have a sexy story every friday night.

    and the thing with curvy girls and their brassierres is that can add a tad more stress to the bra strap snapdeal, making the inital pinch at the buckle a smidge more difficult, which can mean the difference between a holy-shit quickie release of the bra and a oh-man what a struggle tug tug tug slow clumsy manuever.

    outkast was on the boom box.

    eventually got that bra off and she snickered at me for she knew how proud i’d smile after a lightspeed removal of the unmentionable

    and i shared her snicker and she rolled onto her belly

    and i was all

    and then i put on a condom just like i do everytime while promising promises of a confident man calling his shot

    which i highly recommend

    cuz its hot

    and its nice to see if the chick doubledares you or promises something back or checks you out while you put that thing on

    and last nights girl did all the above

    which is why she got invited to be tonights girl

    and now ive got the drive by truckers on

    and now im thinking about all the craziness that went down today

    im thinking about how could it have all happened squooshed like that into one little day.

    i think three girls told me they loved me, and one guy said he wanted to have my baby.

    as many hits as drudge gets, how many times you think a guy tells drudge something like that?

    actually, nevermind.

    had kung pao scallops for lunch, delivered.

    thought about getting a used car

    got to read

    on the bus

    in peace.

    aj made two excellent things this week.

  9. today’s guest blogger 

    from country punk corvids fame

    is no one other than mr. ken layne

    It seems that the critics

    all agreed:

    ‘This is bullshit’

    But one typey-typer

    grinned and snickered,

    ‘Or is it?’

    He would type-type the most

    type-typed ravey of rants

    and Mike Myers would pull

    down the type-typer’s pants!

    ‘A blowjob, a rimjob,

    a dinky-donk-plo job,

    you’ll get what you

    truly deserve!’

    And every movie page ad

    in the Snap City Tribune

    and the Goblin Heights Post

    and the Bough Bubble News-Goon

    and the St. Trickly Times

    and the Goobertown Gazette

    and even the Roggo Flats Daily Tourette!

    Will all put the type-typey’s

    rave up on the top

    with his name big & proud

    his words bold & loud!

    and the name of his paper

    right underneath that …

    a paper so odd they called

    it the Strib

    like a lake-muckian critter

    with the face of a squid

    And the parents perhaps

    not so smart-smart to know

    so they say,

    ‘hey petunia, let’s go see a show!’

    So they wrapped up the

    little ones in wide winters wraps

    and the diapers & dribble cups

    went straight in the night sack

    And off to the mulgi-plex

    where they waited in the line

    with the Beasleys & Weasleys &

    Flat Footed Small Frys

    And finally oh finally when

    the door monkey yelped

    they ran and they ran and the

    fatter folks fell

    and the small ones their faces

    were so bright they lit

    but five minutes later the

    sad truth had hit

    they were stuck at the movies

    with a huge piece of shit!

    ken layne + do youself a flavor and get the new corvids cd