1. Tuesday, December 9, 2003

    the hassle of having a writing staff of monkeys 

    is theyre always pissed off at something. we were watching Average Joe last night and for most of the two hour finale they were going on and on about how all the guys shoulda been black or all of them shoulda had like ten inch schweens or lisps.

    if you hadnt watched the show, basically it was about a hot model who thinks that she was going to be courted by 14-15 hot single men who she would vote off one by one until she found her true love. it turned out that the men were single, but they were less-than-average in the looks dept. half way through the show, however, the producers introduced three model-looking guys who competed for her attention versus the remaining men.

    last night two men remained: the final average joe, and the last handsome dude.

    the monkeys complained that it was obvious that the former cheerleader was going to pick the average joe, especially once it became known to her that he was a self made millionaire and was loved by all his friends and family and coworkers.

    they screeched that like duh she was gonna pick the funny, sincere, normal one instead of the prettyboy who lived at home who became her bitch immediately while they ate their jerk chicken next to the sea.

    they were so bored with what they thought was a sure thing that for the better half of the show they played cards, groomed each other, worked on their needlepoint, or secretly masturbated.

    then when we least expected it she picked the pretty boy and youve never seen such pissed off primates.

    one of them just stared at the box and said

    what the fuck

    over and over and over

    like hed lost a bet or something.

    like it was he who she passed over.

    the television was quickly covered by angry banana and marlboro smelling monkey dung, then one of em threw a rocking chair at it, then it exploded and caught fire. the monkeys jumped up and down and started swinging from the chandeliers and showing their teeth but soon the smoke filled the small break room and those that didnt run out either became nauseous and pukey or simply passed out like a bum.

    this morning they were still doing nothing but bitching about the show.

    what were we to learn from that shit? one of them asked.

    (typically one would remember the names of those who worked for one but not me, i call all the monkeys monkey and they all call me asswipe.)

    are we to believe, he continued, that not money or personality or good jokes or normalcy or profesional success can trump a sissyboy from the oc?

    he inhaled from his cigar stump, held it, and exhaled.

    fuck them if thats what theyre trying to say to us and fuck the new average joe, the monkey spat as he watched previews of the next season of the show.

    i could see his eyes close and his teeth clench and i was all dont you dare shit in your hand and throw it at that tv, thats my tv, if youre going to throw your shit at anything throw it at your tv which is now smoldering in your break room.

    and he did.

    tiffany + coyote at the great wall + sahalie