nothing in here is true

  1. Monday, December 22, 2003

    we had an earthquake today 

    everyone went crazy.

    two things people will go crazy about here in LA, earthquakes and rain.

    they dont really go crazy when theres really bad traffic or drive bys or bad smog or no nfl teams in the second biggest city in america, but they sure go nuts about the earth shaking or the skies getting them wet.

    our building is pretty tall. and wide. it swayed pretty well. it felt like we were on a boat. i had to look out at the palm trees to see how much the building was moving.

    i thought it was cool.

    usually earthquakes feel like a big slap up against the building.

    this one felt like the ground was wet.

    everyone came running out from their cubicles and to the tv near my desk.

    it was one of the few times that i was happy not to be flying in my copter.

    i havent felt a good old fashioned trembler in quite a while. this one was 6.5. but i give it a 6.1.

    then the news started going crazy. they got this woman to tell us that she was shopping and things started shaking and she dropped her groceries. then they got some super nerdy woman from cal tech to tell us that indeed it was an earthquake.

    i wanted someone to get on there and say that it was the terrorists doing some underground explosives testing and then say gotcha! but people dont kid about those things.

    i think they should.

    we get all crazy about the wrong things. earthquakes and rain are normal. people hating others and wanting to fuck up their shit is normal too. traffic is normal but doesnt need to be. smog is normal but doesnt need to be. those things are things people should get all crazy about.

    not mother earth adjusting her adjustables.

    i think this is funny + monique + sk smith has pictures of her man

  2. since its christmastime 

    and we’re being all super honest with each other and all that. a lot of times i dont think im that good of a writer. thats one reason your positive comments and topless pics make me laugh… in a nice way.

    anyways, for some reason when i have a deadline and i find myself procrastinating, thats the time when i feel my most confident.

    i look at the clock and i say, shit i can knock tht shit out AND write a blog entry.

    even though i know that i cant write at night.

    when its light, study

    when its dark, party

    its one thirty am. its sunday night. im supposed to write something about baseball for aarons baseball blog.

    he writes wonderfully, uses stats ive never seen, and gets more hits than i do.

    i have respect for people who get more hits than i do cuz i know it took a lot for me to get what i get, and to do it without being a hot chick and without flooding your meta tags with paris hilton this or that, and to do it without many pictures – thats a tough trick.

    ashley is trying to chat with me.

    did i sleep this much when i was her man?

    it seems like her dude is always sleepin.

    wake the hell up and take care of your woman!

    my buddy sam and i went to the lakers game tonight. phoenix.

    i took good pics.

    my cam isnt perfect but im getting to learn how to use it. i like that.

    daisyprincess114: why so silen

    daisyprincess114: t

    idiotman: i have two things to write

    daisyprincess114: ok what

    idiotman: a peice for aarons baseball blog

    idiotman: and now im writing a blog entry

    daisyprincess114: what abotu

    idiotman: how much i want to do you

    daisyprincess114: really??

    idiotman: no

    daisyprincess114: aww

    daisyprincess114: that wasnt nice

    idiotman: do you want me to tell them that i want to do you

    daisyprincess114: yeah of course

    its christmastime and im not sad. i should be. i should be a fucking wreck, but im not. im probably living the life of the fool in the famous tarot card picture. hes about to go off the cliff and hes looking up in the clouds smilingly even though his dog is barking its head off trying to warn him of his imminent doom.

    im eating puffed cheetos listening to rodney on the roqs christmas show and drinking dr diet pepper.

    the clocks ticking and im telling you shit that not only dont you care about but it doesnt mean anything.

    its just what it is.

    just like the itch on my hairy thigh

    which could be cured with some cortisone but ive been drinking.

    and im lazy

    and now im about to write cuz i want to be in bed before two fifteen.

    i’ll write, sleep, and edit after i shower and get clean.

    idiotman: do you want people to know your aol sn

    daisyprincess114: i dont care

    daisyprincess114: thats fine

    daisyprincess114: not lke anyone would IM me

    idiotman: i do want you

    daisyprincess114: i like it when you say nice things about me, esp on your site

    idiotman: was that nice that i just said

    daisyprincess114: yeah of course

    idiotman:its not polite with your bf sleeping right there

    daisyprincess114: im not saying it gets me hot

    daisyprincess114: but its a compliment

    daisyprincess114: i cant deny that

    daisyprincess114: im not a liar

    idiotman: is it possible for anyone other than your bf to get you hot

    daisyprincess114: brandon boyd? haha

    daisyprincess114: i dont know

    daisyprincess114: i dont want to experiment w/ that

    idiotman: write about your orgasms in lick

    daisyprincess114: hmm

    daisyprincess114: i dont know

    daisyprincess114: if i can … umm whats the word

    daisyprincess114: describe that?

    idiotman: write about your relationship with them

    daisyprincess114: i feel like it would sound really lame

    daisyprincess114: but ill try

    idiotman: use a fake name

    daisyprincess114: haha right

    idiotman: write honestly

    daisyprincess114: like anyone wouldnt know it was me

    daisyprincess114: i dont have to hide

    idiotman: good

    daisyprincess114: im special

    idiotman: you are

    daisyprincess114: do you think my boyfriend seems cool?

    idiotman: not really

    daisyprincess114: why not!?

    daisyprincess114: ?!???

    idiotman: who should i link to

    idiotman: three web sites

    idiotman: hurry

    daisyprincess114: me

    daisyprincess114: me

    daisyprincess114: me

    idiotman: url

    daisyprincess114: livejournal.com/users/daisy_princess

    daisyprincess114: groups.msn.com/ashleyhergroovyfriends

    daisyprincess114: annnnnd

    daisyprincess114: i dont knw

    idiotman: thats enough

    idiotman: say goodnight now

    daisyprincess114: oh fine

    daisyprincess114: spoil all my fun

  3. Sunday, December 21, 2003

    when im governor of california, i believe i will do things a little differently. 

    but that doesnt mean that i dont appreciate things when other people do them.

    as you might remember, i wasnt exactly thrilled with the way the republicans stole the governership away from our sitting governor. especially in light of the fact that californias power crisis might have been linked to the white house, who also later refused to help california out.

    who didnt vote for him.

    and he “won” anyway.

    in my attacks on arnold schwarzenegger was the fact that the press seemed to gloss over the fact that his father was a nazi police cheif and that arnold and maria invited a nazi war criminal to their wedding.

    when people rebutted that he has donated hundreds of thousands of dollars to the simon wiesenthal center i said all it takes is a couple hundred thousand dollars to buy you off?

    but for some reason this photo op makes everything better.

    im not kidding.

    sure theres an element of politics going on there, but i believe it.

    hollywood, where i live, has a very important and strong jewish presence. when people say there are no neighborhoods in la they ignore fairfax blvd just south of melrose. remnants of which can still be found at the farmers market.

    there are many pockets of soul in la and the jewish people provide one of them.

    if its true that arnold is completely different than his father, he wants to do things like this because not only is it the right thing to do, but its an honor.

    one of the best things i learned this year was that there isnt a seperation of church and state and never has been.

    in that case, of course i want my politicians in church.

    i want to think that with all their money and freedom that theyd have time to go to a temple on the first day of their holiday.

    even if its just a dirty photo op

    which i dont think it is.

    and i dont want to think it is.

    so i hope that its real.

    anyway, now that arnold is our governor, i will support him and root for him

    and if he can bring a football team to la i’ll for him next time.

    flagrant should write for this.

    so should some of you out there

  4. Libra Horoscope for week of December 18, 2003 

    Happy Holy Daze, Libra! I’ve been meditating on the perfect holiday gift for you. What symbolic item might help you take maximum advantage of the cosmic currents in 2004?

    Here’s what I came up with: the film, “Destino,” a collaboration between surrealist painter Salvador Dali and Walt Disney’s team of animators.

    Though the joint artistic effort began soon after Disney and Dali met in 1945, it wasn’t completed until recently. In that sense alone it should be inspiring, because you, too, will be striving to revive an old dream in the coming months.

    Your near future will resemble a Disney-Dali creation in another way: There’ll be a convergence of what’s weird and what’s popular, what’s extraordinary and normal, what’s adventurous and cute.

    – Rob Brezney

    im not sure what he means by all that. i think it has something to do with Lick, but im not sure.

    i promise not to let this blog be a big ad for that.

    so with that heres a 2003 top ten list

    top ten Rock records that dont suck that came out this year

    1. The Darkness

    2. White Stripes

    3. Drive By Truckers

    4. Jane’s Addiction

    5. Hot Hot Heat

    6. The Yeah Yeah Yeahs

    7. Fountains of Wayne

    8. Rancid

    9. Ravonettes

    10. AFI

  5. Saturday, December 20, 2003

    this year im not going to wait for my ship to come in 

    thats for suckas.

    this year im gonna make my own ship.

    member maxim when it first started? it was terrible. and now its probably the best magazine around.

    right when al gore invented the internet mc brown invented the original buzznet and then i invented Lick

    sex drugs rock

    the thing about lick was it wasnt as sexy as it was advertised to be, it didnt really have much drug stuff and it didnt have nearly the amount of rock as it shoulda.

    im watching a hot girl cry on my webcam.

    shes wearing something see through. i can totally see everything.

    this is very odd.

    now shes lighting up a smoke.

    i wanna get the best writers on the internet to write for lick. no fucking around. no pay. no nothing. i want it to be the zenith of the web. the central most point of rock. the g spot of cool.

    the problem though is how do you tell people no. that their shit is no good.

    what ive learned from editing at the college paper is that people get better. the original blook is all about how one year of writing every day can make you better.

    shes sitting at the piano now. sunlight showing me all. shes singing into a microphone.

    i want this chick to write for lick.

    i want raymi the fucking minx to set the tone for lick.

    i want frangrant rocknroll to take pictures and tell us about foreign lands.

    i want raspil iverson to design it

    i want nothing special network services to host it

    i only want chicks writing for it.

    and me, of course.

    the king of fuck.

    ive been procrastinating going on a date with this super hot chick which means im gay. we’re going to see american splendor.

    then we might do it right there in the parking lot.

    in karisas truck but dont teller.

    and if she asks i’ll just deny it.

    karisa can write for lick if she wantsta

    and i know there might be other Licks out there pretending to be something but i dont care.

    motherfuckers coming back motherfuckers.









    due her

    doo r

    kristin is 21 today, she can write for lick too if she wantsta

  6. Friday, December 19, 2003

    kobe came back today 

    had to spend all day in colorado. the judge had to figure out if it was ok to let the jury know that the accuser chick was taking anti depressants and had tried to kill herself twice before.

    does it matter if the accused is crazy?

    i don’t think it matters.

    rape is rape.

    so the question is, then, can a crazy and suicidal persons testimony be more trusted than an nba superstars.

    in that case, i suppose i would more likely lean towards the sane person.

    however, wasn’t kobe nuts to get married that young anyway.

    so both parties are at least slightly unstable.

    therefore, if i was the judge i would tell the defense that i wouldn’t allow her “medical” records but i also wouldn’t allow the state to accuse number eight of being a dumbass for getting hitched when he did, which, when you think about it should also be presented to the jury if we’re going to show them Everything.

    and if i was the defense i would let it slide

    what with the traces of four previous men on her person

    cuz everyone knows its fucked up to rape a crazy sad girl, but it’s nearly impossible to rape the willing.

    you know i don’t believe that, but i just wanted to make the google-searchers feel welcome after i post this list of xxx search-result bait, otherwise known as

    Porn Titles For 2003 Movies

    inspired by treacher

    Fill Jill


    Brotha Bears

    Fellating Nemo

    2 Sluts 2 Studious

    Bad Pimping Santa

    Lost in Fran’s Anus

    Dominatrix Resolutions

    May’s Tricks Get Loaded

    Once Upon 3 Blondes in Mexico

    X2 + Jenna = Twin Threesomes

    Sims Online Sex Hotel Management

    The Sex Ass Chained-up Mass Orgy

    Sperm Don’t Hate Her: The Rise of the Schweens

    Butt Pirates of the Carribean: The Curse of the Hot Girls

    Teen Cheerleader Runaway Lesbian All Girls School of Rock

    jim treacher

  7. as some of you might know, 

    i have a terrible crush on allison from melting dolls.

    if only she knew i existed.

    today she acquired and solidified and installed the domain name meltingdolls.com.

    the other day miss montreal was over my house and i was looking at allison’s site and she was all, who’s that chick? and i was all, thats allison, shes from georgia.

    miss montreal was all, damn shes hot.

    i was like, yep.

    and she said, do you think she likes girls?

    and i was all, hmmm, i dont know, then i was like, hey i saw her first!

    then we made beautiful lust, rested, and went at it again.

    during which i uttered nasty things in her ear

    things like

    you want that little red headed georgia girl here now.


    what about NOW

    oh yes.

    what about TOMORROW ughn

    yes yes!

    what about on superbowl sunday?

    oooooooo yesssssss.

    and then we finished, i hosed off, and miss montreal blew her dog whistle and her limo pulled infront of my gates and she went home.

    my aim’s so not true.

    meltingdolls.com + dogboy + allisons sister

  8. adam sandler 

    what the hell happened to me

    warner bros. records

    “the chanukah song”


    This is a song that uhh..

    There’s a lot of Christmas songs out there and uhh..

    not too many Chanukah songs.

    So uhh..

    I wrote a song for all those nice little Jewish kids who don’t get to hear any Chanukah songs.

    Here we go…

    Put on your yarmulke

    Here comes Chanukah

    So much funukah

    To celebrate Chanukah

    Chanukah is the festival of lights

    Instead of one day of presents, we have eight crazy nights

    When you feel like the only kid in town without a Christmas tree

    Here’s a list of people who are Jewish just like you and me

    David Lee Roth lights the menorah

    So do James Caan, Kirk Douglas, and the late Dinah Shore-ah

    Guess who eats together at the Carnegie Deli

    Bowser from Sha Na Na and Arthur Fonzerelli

    Paul Newman’s half Jewish, Goldie Hawn’s half too

    Put them together, what a fine lookin’ Jew

    You don’t need “Deck The Halls” or “Jingle Bell Rock”

    ‘Cause you can spin a dreidel with Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock- both Jewish

    Put on your yarmulke

    It’s time for Chanukah

    The owner of the Seattle Supersonicahs

    Celebrates Chanukah

    O.J. Simpson, not a Jew

    But guess who is? Hall of famer Rod Carew- he converted

    We got Ann Landers and her sister Dear Abby

    Harrison Ford’s a quarter Jewish- not too shabby

    Some people think that Ebenezer Scrooge is

    Well he’s not, but guess who is

    All three Stooges

    So many Jews are in showbiz

    Tom Cruise isn’t, but I heard his agent is

    Tell your friend Veronica

    It’s time to celebrate Chanukah

    I hope I get a harmonicah

    Oh this lovely, lovely Chanukah

    So drink your gin and tonicah

    And smoke your marijuanikah

    If you really, really wannakah

    Have a happy, happy, happy, happy Chanukah

    Happy Chanukah

  9. Thursday, December 18, 2003

    today is christina aguileras birthday 

    and since shes 23 today i will spell her name correctly.

    i love you christina aguilera.

    hey, christina aguilera, youre the busblogs woman of the year this year.

    nice job, christina aguilera.

    some say that youre a trampy ho. i dont. i think youre sweet.

    i think its ok to dress like a dirty slut, christina aguilera . mick jagger did that for years and nobody said nothin, so why cant you show your cute lil ass a lil?

    you deserve to be the busblogs woman of the year not only for putting out a good cd this year, but for putting out the sexiest single of the year, for being involved in the hottest moment in tv of the year, and for being the dirtiest star of the year.

    triple threat baby, thats you.

    plus you can sing.

    and your hit “beautiful” is a damn anthem to not just for the g/l/t crowd but to everyone.

    and youre more punk rock and more madonna-ish than britney has ever been.

    and you got fat and then skinny all in one year.

    and you had a sold out tour with britneys ex and that was cool.

    and you danced with the pussycat dolls in front of your stepfather. which is hot.

    but the best thing you did this year was go from that dirty white dirty gray sorta blonde hair to jet black, letting every. body. know that you were the badass biatch on the block. the dirty girl who could sing better than anyone else and push the envelope of what is ho-ey and what isnt ho-ey.

    raising the question of can you dress like a slut and not be a slut.

    and the answer is of course, yes.

    congratulations on your victory, you may claim your date with me anytime in the year 2004.

    happy birthday baby.

    christina wins best video + christina is deep + christina meets tony