1. Wednesday, January 7, 2004

    the real world 

    san diego


    tuesday nights at ten pm

    being 110 years old has its advantages. one of them is i remember life before mtv.

    i know for some of you thats hard to believe, but yes, such a day once existed.

    they were super dull days, but we got by.

    i think i went outside a lot. hard to remember.

    mtv was the killer ap of cable in the early 80s. there wasnt cnn. espn & hbo were mere shells of themselves and not all that good. but mtv… fuck.

    mtv kicked ass.

    it still does in a strange way that has very little to do with music videos, but like, whatever.

    shows like the osbournes, cribs, newlyweds: nick and jessica, jackass, punk’d, viva la bam, road rules, and their original “reality” show the real world make most of the programming on the other major networks look old and slow and dull.

    there was a time that i could name all the vjs on mtv, now im not even sure they have them any more, but i can tell you everything about the first episode of the real world san diego, which oddly is exactly what mtv wants us to be doing.

    it was obvious that mtv gave up on vjs when they kept renewing john norris’s contract.

    the real world san diego is filled with more stereotypes than ever before.

    youve got the sleepy-eyed buff motorcycle-riding chicagoian, brad, 21, who has been with his girlfriend for four years. the girls admit that hes your typical dumb fratboy but they cant keep their hands off of him, which just goes to show you one thing, america, hot chicks love big dumb guys with girlfriends.

    in a typical real world moment in the first episode, brad finds himself telling his new roommates that he has an eight inch penis. immediately two of the girls (the ultrathin blonde south carolinian, cameran; and the ginormously fake tittied 22 year old bartop dancer, robin) attempt to pull down his pants playfully.

    brad eludes their girly attacks and takes cameran up to a nook in the san diego marina house, which all 7 of them will share for 5 months, to call his girlfriend so that she can verify the length of his mighty sword.

    it’s 4:45am pacific time, 6:45am chicago time.



    hi baby. did i wake you?

    mmm yeah.

    im so sorry– listen though, honestly, and i dont want to pull it out, and youre thinking this is ****ing ridiculous, but everybody heres arguing about the size of their **** i know this is ridiculous, but youve got to be serious… how big am i?

    he puts the phone next to cameran’s ear

    eight inches.

    what kind of eight? what kind of eight are we talking about?

    i dont know, im not doing this.

    thick. ass. eight. and you know it.

    cameran gets off the couch in a fit of laughter and embarassment and falls over after taking one step and crawls away laughing, sweet ass high in the air in her tight jeans.

    theres jaime a hot little korean girl, first generation american. theres a firehouse red rockabilly girl who has cystic fibrosis but still smokes cigarettes. theres a prettyboy massachusettes hunk who could very well be a jeans model for all i know.

    and then theres the token black.

    this year my man is a college student from the predominantly black georgia school Morehouse. hes nice. hes dull. he wears glasses and looks like a grown up Urkel.

    he doesnt belong.

    real world has consistently had a horrible track record of casting cool black people. there was afroguy in the second new york cast, mohammed in the frisco cast that nobody remembers cuz he was barely around the puck world, and teck from hawaii. all the others had some pretty serious issues.

    jacquese will at best end up being the voice of reason for the other six who will probably have a great time among themselves, but odds are he will be bored out of his mind and completely left out like a common exchange student.

    its almost like after two seasons in a row of highly sexual black men (paris, vegas) it was time for the real world to let the kids know that not every black man only wanted to bed every babe in town.

    despite urkel, i have high hopes for this cast. they like to drink. theyre into each other. my chicagoian is a trip. and the ladies love walking around in their bikinis – alot.

    which we all know is exactly how the world really is.

    on the greg vaine rating scale, i give the first episode of the real world san diego a good good good good.

    candied ginger + xtracyx + i look good