nothing in here is true

  1. Monday, February 23, 2004

    tsar plays tonight 

    and a super hot chick is taking me. i worked late so i wouldnt have to worry about things. shes hot. even this other chick says shes hot. the other chick says she wants to do it with both of us and im all yeah i’ll believe it when i sees it.

    some of the things i talk about in here are true. some arent. some are. this are. i are a lucky fucky. my belly is nervous. it might have been the regular coke i drank at lunch. i had to join the 3, 3:30, and 4 o’clock poopie club today so i want to say im not going to eat anything before the show but you have to have a few beers as the band plays.

    also a hot chick from work will be there. and two of my bros and all my friends minus my truest who was a little under the weather today and couldnt work. minus karisa who never wanted to see this show for some reason i dont know why. i will hafta ask her tomorrow.

    ok, the hot babe will be here any minute now so i will end this by saying to the ladies who read this page this:

    i want you to write for Lick.

    we have a good thing started over there.

    we will continue to grow and improve on what we have.

    i want you to write and tell me all your secrets.

    i want you to write and tell us boys how we can liberate all of you from white male oppression, kool things.

    i want you to tell us hwat we’re missing out on and how we can be better.

    we all want to be better.

    i want you to write and tell us what the real movies were last year that we shoulda seen and should rent.

    i want you to tell us what things were like when you were happy.

    i want you to tell us what things make you sad.

    i want you to tell us about what life is like in your neck of the woods.

    i want you to peel back the layer that protects you and flash us with something real.

    not j.lo and jah rule real but really doe real.

    i want you to write for me.

    the way i write for you.


  2. heres the thing. 

    i dont mind if you pack the court. just dont do it with racists. is that too much to ask?

    and by racists, i mean judges who trim the time off of sentences to people convicted of CROSS BURNING.

    other than hanging a man for being black, what more racist thing could you do to someone other than burn a cross on his yard for having a white girlfriend?

    so what on earth would inspire a judge to say that another judge’s sentencing of 7 years is too long?

    fucker burned a cross on a man’s lawn.

    so thats the judge, charles pickering who stoked the racist criminal and shortened the sentence. now we have president george bush who appointed this guy to the appeals court.

    what does it say about the president of the united states for sneaking this guy in?

    and what does it say of his supporters?

    during black history month.

    we can disagree about taxes and the war and wmd and all this other bullshit that many of you seem to want to bury your head in the sand about.

    we can pretend that bush didnt really have the biggest surplus this country ever had, and we can pretend that the largest deficit of all time is also a lie.

    but wtf is this shit?

    if youre going to pack the court, why cant it just be normal conservatives?

    why does it have to be the worst fucking excuses of humanity?

    racists, sexists and gay-haters?

    to me this is deeper than politics. to me this is scary.

    im cool with politics. im sorta cool with lots of you backing your bro regarding this war. i will give you that it is probably a better world without saddam. we will get our hundreds of billions back. those 500+ soldiers who died for your oil will go to heaven and have 1776 virgins.

    but these judges are fucked up and i have a hard time even thinking that even conservatives want to align themselves with this shit.

    but who knows.

    you people suprise me all the damn time.

    i will tell you this though. if i was a republican, i would look around and see if theres anyone else who could go against kerry cuz the guy you have right now didnt find osama, fucked the economy HARD, lied about wmd, bent over to halliburton, buried cia docs about 9/11 before and after 9/11, and is now packing courts with racists and gay haters.

    i am seriously trying hard to find any redeeming qualities about this tard and not only am i having an extremely hard time doing it but now im questioning those who support him and his, dare i say, fascist actions.

    no wonder nader is running. who in their right minds would vote for what might be the worst president this nation ever had?

    how appealing + jack bog + ernie the attorney

  3. hi, my name is Judge Charles W. Pickering. 

    in 1965 as a state senator, i repeatedly voted against measures that would expand electoral opportunities for African Americans after passage of the Voting Rights Act in 1965.

    me and my church organization think women shouldnt be allowed to have abortions unless shes going to die. we adopted a resolution calling for legislation to ban abortion.

    f seperation of church and state. i did fake them out into thinking i did believe in a seperation of church and state when i

    however i was the judge who removed the alabama judge who would not get rid of that 10 commandments statue last year. even though i love the ten commandments.

    i also love racists, which is why i shortened the sentence of a man who was convicted of burning a cross on the lawn of an interracial couple.

    but theres no one i love more than that good ol boy, george w. bush, who thought that it was wrong that the dems were trying to block my appointment to the federal appeals court, and used the dirty back door of a “recess appointment” to get me my seat.

    cuz there are no other republican judges who are less racist, less interested in womens rights, and less supportive of racial equality in america to pack the court.

    and if there are President George Bush doesnt want them on the appeals court.

    thank God.

    last month the president steamrolled anti-gay judge William Pryor into the court of appeals as well.

    ashly + belle du jour + tink hilton

  4. i had a good weekend. 

    still im not the happiest person in the world. ive been the happiest person in the world on many occasions. and the luckiest. right now im about the tenth luckiest. maybe the ninth. still im a normal person and sometimes i can forget how lucky i am and i allow myself to get sad about dumb things like the fact that will wheaton gets 4 times the links to him than i do. i also dont like this ebay transaction im embroiled in with this dude in florida. and since we’re making lists, im not completely happy with the cubs’ catcher and second basemen.

    i am, however, so happy with Lick that i dont even know what to do.

    tonight we’re posting the 34th story.

    and its great.

    there are four new stories this week and one of them is called f is for fucker.

    atlantic monthly wished they had something called f is for fucker but theyre old and weak and slow and lick just kicked their ass.

    all women writers.

    ms. raspil iverson workin that photoshop and html/css mojo.

    true stories of sex drugs and rock.


    this is how Lick will be done. next week we will post the submissions that came in from now until friday. on sunday, after the academy awards the first issue of Lick will be completed, and those of you who watched, watched a kickass online zine get put together.

    and then we’ll do it again.

    i really hope you are enjoying what youre seeing and reading over there. but if youre not thats ok too cuz i sure as hell am loving it.

    and the best part is this is just the begining.

    lick + tourniquet + amy + mr. picassohead

  5. Sunday, February 22, 2004

    inbetween rainstorms my truelove drove over and we went to best buy. 

    i wanted a new video game for my playstation two.

    i had seen via ebay that midway video game company of chicago illinois had released a collection of classic games and put them onto one ps2 disc.

    here are Some of the games on midway arcade treasures:

    defender, paperboy, gauntlet, spy hunter, rampage, 720, toobin, robotron, spy hunter, rampage, tapper, super sprint, and marble madness.

    $20. new.

    sadly once i got this home i learned a painful lesson: just because they can pod games over to Playstation 2 doesnt mean that the game play or control is anything like the coin-op original.


    joust is pretty similar.

    all the graphics look the same, but it pretty much sucks.

    toobin isnt bad.

    the truest and i took in sunday brunch at Foxy’s in glendale.

    i had a non-deep fried monte cristo, the lady had the eggs benedict.

    it was a beautiful afternoon.

    then she dropped me off, drove off, and i played ps2 and chilled on my couch as the rain washed away all that is ugly and retarded in the world.

    and tonight i will take the beautiful layouts of raspil, and the wise words of the ladies of the web, and update Lick.

    i went to splinky’s site and was so upset that she had taken down her post from last night that when a telemarketer called me today i angrilly told him never to call me again.

    treacher + just another blog + victor

  6. his father was a nazi police cheif 

    so why am i not surprised that he is against gay marriages?

    how could you be against gay marriages in 2004?

    being gay isnt illegal, so why shouldn’t gays get to promise that they’ll remain true to their love?

    wtf america.

    i thought we were brave.

    i thought we were the smartest country in the world.


    see where bush snuck an appeals court justice in there while congress was in recess.

    fuckhead just cheats and cheats and cheats. and ive got to give it up to the factor for calling bullshit on the president over iraq. at least not everyones a tool on tv.

    howard sterns no tool which is why it will be interesting to see what hes got to say when he retuns from his recess on monday.

    not only did stuttering john leave the stern show to be jay lenos announcer

    but the president of viacom mel karmazin wants all the 180 infinity stations that viacom owns to ixnay on the sexay radio bits, reminding them of viacoms “zero tolerance” policy, the ny post reports.

    “If you don’t comply, you’ll be fired for cause,” karmazin was reported as saying the Post. “This company won’t be a poster child for indecency.”

    it appears that in the wake of janet jackson viacom and some of the other major broadcasters dont want to feel the wrath of fcc cheif michael powells inevitable bitchslap. some ones going to get it and noone thinks that an expensive fine for saying the “wrong” thing is worth the publicity that it would also incur.

    karmazin and powell arent americans. they dont know the first thing about the first amendment. the fcc is so inconsistant as to who they fine and for what reasons that its a joke. as if saying tit or fuck on the radio is any less obscene than getting on tv and saying that iraq had weapons of mass destruction.

    regardless, howard should be on fire on monday.

    xero 79 + goobita + bob mould

  7. Saturday, February 21, 2004

    actually i work at a marketing company. 

    we lost a bid on william hung.

    i was all, make him a porn star.

    they were all, you wanna make everyone a porn star.

    i was like, his name is hung!

    they were like sooooo?

    i was all, and he runs around singing “she bangs!”

    one girl was all, tony, quit talking.

    i said, dudes love to see non-handsome dudes have sex with beautiful women.

    another girl put her hand over her ears.

    i continued: the first video could be called He Bangs.

    a third girl sighed. probably cuz she agreed secretly.

    then, i said, his next film could be called “i have no professional training.”

    the first girl scoffed and said, “film?”

    i looked at her and said in my most serious manner

    william hung very well could be the most important male adult star since ron jeremy.

    her jaw dropped.

    as always.

    a dude chimed in with, ron jeremy has a huge sausage.

    i said, exactly! which is why mr. hung would be a more compelling.

    instead we went for the william hung line of school backpacks.

    they made me pitch it

    as always

    but it was obvious that my heart wasnt into it

    and thats why i ended up in the temple till nine oclock last night.

    playing that tetris ripoff game.


    coyote has a gay marriage photo essay

  8. best part about the xbi hq is the chapel. 

    alot of people cry there. all the crying is bound to make you cry so i suggest avoid loitering unless you can concentrate. like me.

    most people use the chapel as a place to show emotion since its not recommended on the job.

    i like it cuz its dark and has little alcoves you can hide out in.

    sorta like a sanctuary.

    a lot of people die in the xbi, we just dont talk about it much.

    so one thing they did is say that everyone can add one or two things to the chapel to make themselves more comfortable.

    so they can pray right.

    and focus.

    i had a tetris clone coin-op put in there. i keep the sound turned off.

    every month they put a different game in there.

    last month they had lode runner.

    it really does free my mind up a little bit.

    some people sleep in there.

    some people never go in there.

    sometimes i think some people are just seeing what everyone else is doing

    but the good news is everythings confidential and everyone honors that.

    and thats why the best part about the xbi hq is the chapel.

    i was so stressed out today if the right person offered me a cigarette i woulda smoked it.

    did you know that papa johns doesnt have their cinnamon pie any more

    and dominos doesnt have cinnamon dots anymore

    they have cheese dots.


    tom dog + j. banks + zep + bathrub girl

  9. Friday, February 20, 2004

    im someone who can fall in love at the drop of a hat. 

    raymi drops her hat all day. and her shirt. and her accent. and her cover.

    if i had some knowledge id drop it on your ass right now. listen to the donnas. listen to the darkness. listen to punk rock. even the worst punk rock, which theres plenty of, dont be fooled, is way better than this bad hip hop that i see the world splooge themselves over.

    justin isnt that cute, cant dance that great, and damn well cant sing all that much. but he doesnt look thuggy like jah rule and thats why he gets paid by the man and deludged with grammys(!) like his name was declain mcmanus or some shit. so listen to punk cuz it wont ever let you down. or girl groups or eighties metal bands in two thousand and four.

    dave grohls probot isnt gonna steal your money and pretend its anything other than aggression that they figured out how to bottle. thank god for grohl. he knew that foo fighter shit was shit. he knew he couldnt sell out his whole adult life. he knew he couldnt just ride the coattails of the others much longer. he knew what was missing and whats missing is punk rock and metal and lemmy tell you one more thing.

    fuck this motherfucking fucker fuck.

    some ho is wondering how i became a “blog god” or “blog king” or some shit and im not sure if she was saying that negatively or in awe so lets pretend the worst since she doesnt really kiss my ass in the statement.

    i did it on the backs of my ancestors.

    all the motherfuckers who write in bathroom walls. and draw on underpasses. all the rejects and dipwads who piss their names in the snow.

    blogosphere is just one huge snowdrift baby and ive dranken a lot of diet dr pepper and rum.

    miss montreal wants to see me tonight but i have a date with a pretty girl. theyre both pretty. pretty doesnt matter much to me any more. pretty is in the garter of the beholder. i look in the mirror and you dont see me snapping pics cuz i dont see nothin there worth taking pics of and i cant believe all the people asking me about my hair or lack there of but they do. lord do they ever. they love it. and i love them.

    fucking lovefest over here baby which is why people like this shit.

    and cuz i update like a fiend.

    a strungout fiend who thinks hes gonna die any minute so he has to type every drop till its out.


  10. its raining in LA 

    how do i know? because every fucking tv newscast has devoted at least 3 reporters, a copter, a meteorologist, and an analyst to tell us its raining.

    its the winter.

    its supposed to rain in LA in the winter.

    dan kern wrote a song about it in oh i dont know, 1988?

    its called LA Winter Rain.

    but these news stations are so crazed that youda thought the president got shot.

    youd think that there was zero news going on in americas second largest city.

    red blazer ho: lets go to Harry Butts in Pasadena …

    hb: it’s raining here, ho.

    a huge graphic flashes under him. it says StormWatch 4. hes got a blue raincoat on. its barely raining. but enough to cause maybe 75 crashes cuz all the new yorkers who moved out here forgot that you have to slow down when you drive 102349871234 mph on the freeways here.

    fuck stormwatch 4.

    chopperone is getting worked on in its hangar. i hate the rain. they all tell me that this is a good day to catch up on my reading or writing but i cant. im never stimulated by lack of work. i love to work. i may hate the job i have to do, but i love to work. half the fools in the xbi dont love to work and dont love the job. makes me sick. makes me want to put holes in their foul weather gear.

    supposed to rain all week.

    might have to get a big bottle of rum and take a swig every time some asswipe gets on the news and tells us that its raining outside.

    did you know the grocery stores are still on strike out here? yep.

    i left frisco cuz it was so soft. i left my true love, all my friends, my cash-only business where people would offer me electronics, porn, their teen daughters, everything, to move to LA cuz it was too soft up there. few dozen raindrops and LA loses its damn mind.

    like someone told them j.lo got a new boyfriend or some shit.

    brit coal + hear allisons purty voice + psychotic normalcy