Today’s Birthdays,

March 25

Apollo 8, 11 & 13 astronaut James Lovell, Jr., turns 76. Capt. Lovell racked up 715 hours in space which at one point was a record until Spacelab showed up. in 1973 he retired from the Navy and from the Space Program to join Bay-Houston Towing Company in Houston, a company involved in “harbor and coastwise towing, mining and marketing of peat products for the lawn and garden industry, and ranching.” Don’t be sad, he was promoted to the position of President and Chief Executive Officer on March 1, 1975.

Crazy-haired movie critic Gene Shalit turns 72. His moustache turns 62. The Today staple was a regular on What’s My Line? and To Tell The Truth, played his bassoon on stage at Lincoln Center, and conducted the Pittsburgh Symphony Orchestra in a full concert of classical music, proving that image is truly everything

Feminist and publisher Gloria Steinem is 70. 70 years old! The Ms. magazine founder graduated magna cum laude from Smith College in 1956 but sexism was so rampant back then that it took her a full 8 years to co-found New York magazine. In 1971 she created Ms. Magazine and nothing smelled better to young men than the oncoming aroma of freshly burning brassierres. Next to cooling apple pies, of course.

Dominos Pizza founder Tom Monaghan is 67. His success proves that humans will rush to rally behind generic, middle of the road, bland bullshit because it appears safe, easy and inexpensive, even when it’s not. Later the Bush family proves this too. My advice: avoid the Noid.

Florida orange juice spokesperson and anti-gay advocate Anita Bryant is 64. In 1977 she campaigned to repeal a Miami ordinance banning anti-gay discrimination. Her organization, Save Our Children, claimed that gays were converting children to homosexuality and rallied against gay adoptions.

“Since homosexuals cannot reproduce,” she argued, “they must recruit and freshen their ranks.”

As archaic and backwards as that sounds, earlier this year a federal appellate court upheld Florida’s anti-gay adoption law using some of the same twisted logic that gay adoptive parents might create gay adoptive kids.

Which is why I drink only orange juice made from fresh California Valencia oranges, and not those uptight ones from the sunshine state.

The recently hospitalized Aretha Franklin is 62. The Queen of Soul and Rock n Roll Hall of Fame member has garnered 15 Grammy Awards throughout her respectable career, but my favorite moment of hers was when she co-starred in The Blues Brothers and unsuccessfully tried to convince Matt “Guitar” Murphy that he should think about his responsibilities instead of re-joining up with the likes of Jake and Elwood Blues.

The original Starsky, Paul Michael Glaser, is 61, and still doesnt get the props he deserves for directing Shaq in 1996’s classic, Kazaam.

Actress Bonnie Bedilia is 58. She was Bruce Willis’s wife in the Die Hard movies. ‘member?

UK singer, songwriter Elton John is 57. He’s gay.

SNL allumn Mary Gross is 51. Most recently she appeared in A Mighty Wind, Troop Beverly Hills and the TV show Sabrina, The Teenage Witch. Poor woman.

His momma knows him as Haywood Nelson but you know him as Dwayne Wayne from what may have been the best show in the 70s What’s Happening! Rerun and Rog’s pal turns 44 today. Now he had a fro!

Rebecca from tv’s The Practice, Lisa Gay Hamilton hits the big 4-0. Although IMDB says she was in Jackie Brown, I dont remember her in it. All I remember, truthfully, is Deniro smoking out of a bong and then taking Bridget Fonda from behind. Remind me to rent that one again.

Ferris Bueller’s skinny little wife Sarah Jessica Parker is 39. Almost everything about her annoys me. How she got an Emmy for “acting” like the ever-confused ditzy fashionista in Sex and the City is beyond me, but every chick I know wanted to be Carrie even though she is the Butterface posterchild (everythings hot but her face).

She was so convincing in Honeymoon In Vegas that hollywood ran right out and remade it the very next year (Indecent Proposal) with the far-more-worth-a-million-dollars-to-sleep-with-for-one-night Demi Moore.

Singer, guitarist Jeff Healey is 38. He’s blind. He also plays the guitar backwards and upside down. Somehow.

The token black chick in “Saved By the Bell,” Lark Voorhies (“Lisa Turtle “) is 30. Although she tried to be the next Tootie, no one can fill those roller skates despite appearing on several soap operas including “Days Of Our Lives” and “Bold and The Beautiful.”

little big mind + space kadet + little lost robot

everyone is coming to the Tsar show on April 5 at the El Rey on the Miracle Mile

even Jupiter, Saturn, Mars, Venus and Mercury.

so you should come too.

this is going to be a mindblowing show. apparently theres a new attitude at the old historic LA theatre: they want good bands to play. so the first band that the brand new booker chose, no lie, were your boys Tsar.

and Tsar was all, cool, thanks, who are we opening for?

and the booker dude was all, no, youre the headliners.

and they were all, but our album wont even be out yet.

and the dude was like, so.

and they were all, but we dont have a video or a bunch of hype or anything.

and he was all, so.

and they were all, but we’ve been playing tiny little clubs as little warm up gigs before we tour the world and the booker guy was all, you are the best band in LA, you have a hot new cd coming out, you will fucking rock these old walls and shake the foundations, if there is one band that needs to be playing real venues its inside-out Star.

and they were all, cool.

so to celebrate im inviting you, my los angeles readers, to come to the show.

im also inviting my san diego readers

im inviting my oc readers

im inviting my ex girlfriends and former employees

im inviting all the hot babes of the web who want to meet me and touch my bald head

im inviting all the stalkers who want to meet karisa

im inviting everyone who can read this message to come to hollywood california on passover monday as the planets align and the sound of a new generation is hear.

a call in the wilderness as passionate as the cry of a wanting virgin on her wedding night

one of absolute pleasure and delicous pain

of fantastical beauty and endless wonderment

the sound of curious eyes being opened for the very first time in the name of rock.

im calling you out to witness the end of the bullshit and the beginning of a new regime in power punk.

this is your chance to experience the majesty which is tsar.

say you’ll come.

tsar + balloon farm + the invisible hand + uppity-negro + betsy