1. Friday, March 26, 2004

    dear eddie van halen 

    i hear you’re going to get the band back together.


    summer tour, on the road, doing the old tunes, sneaking a few new ones in… awesome.

    whooo fucking hooo.

    but please do us all a favor. please bring back diamond dave.

    and please kick sammy to the curb.

    unless of course you hate your fans and only want to pander to the fratboys who will raise their coors lights to you as you jet around the country playing in outdoor arenas at $50 a head churning out all those horrible songs you wrote with the red rocker post 1984.

    by the way, fuck you for OU812, For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge, Balance and all that other weak ass pop shit that wasnt pop or metal but basically Lita Ford cover songs sung by men who have lost the will to rock.

    didnt you get the message when God came down from the heavens and struck you with throat cancer: BRING DAVE BACK!

    didnt you get the message when your wife of a million years left you?

    she fell in love with you, like we all did, when you were wearing those ridiculous outfits, those long socks, and finger tapping your way into our hearts.

    there has never been any true love for Sammy Hagar or Montrose. who you kidding?

    i’ll say it here and i’ll say it till my ‘roids burst: Fuck Sammy Haggar. and im not alone in my opinion.

    of course David Lee Roth is a pain in the ass, and he’s and asshole, and hes a potsmoking doubletalking weirdo.

    hello, thats what we like in our rockstars.

    seems to me that aerosmith didnt do so bad with their wackjob singer or the stones for that matter.

    do you really think those doctors removed that cancer so that you could present those organ grinder synth laced medicore vanhagar shit to guys with their shirts tucked in who nod in unison?

    my guess is no.

    my guess is they hoped that the two guys who owned Hot For Teacher, Unchained, Everybody Wants Some, and Panama would come back and bust rock a new asshole.

    id see the Darkness play 20 times before i saw Van Haggar remind me that life isnt fair, that dreams die, that rock is dead, that the best band of my youth has turned into a bunch of fucking losers.

    id see Poins play 10 times before i saw Sammy Haggar fuck Jump up for me. let Aztec Camera sing it instead. let Morrisey sing it. Anyone but Sammy Haggar.

    eddie, you havent changed the world in 20 years. you havent wowed rock since before half of the people who should be buying your records were born.

    in an improbably move, youre worse for america than our sitting president. youre more dangerous to music than the terrorists are to air travel because if you go on tour with Sammy and sell out it will give the kids the impression that washed up recycled heartless soulless non-rocking bullshit is kosher, and its so not kosher i almost want to follow your tour around the nation and protest it.

    i dont care what david lee roth did to you. i dont care how annoying he is. i dont care how many times he gets popped in washington square park with a joint, he is the left hand of 80s rock and you are the right hand, but right now youre just the cock.

    please remove yourself from sammy’s mouth and give me back what is rightfully mine

    van halen circa 1982 when everyone bowed down in awe to your ass.

    your pal,


    graham + aaron c. + david