1. Tuesday, March 30, 2004

    dear janet jackson 

    please dont go on david letterman in your first bigtime interview since your nipple changed the world and ask him not to talk about the only reason that anyone has wanted to interview you since you left “good times”.

    people are going to want to talk about nipplegate for the rest of your life so i suggest you to get used to it.

    just like youve hopefully gotten used to being asked about your crazy brother

    your crazy sister

    and your crazy family.

    here’s how you should have handled last night’s interview:

    “yeah dave, it really was an accident. im really sorry that things happened the way they did. im sorry that my nipple caused so much controversy. im sorry that children saw my nipple. but im even more sorry that conservatives saw my nipple and decided to use it as a way to inflict their extremist ways on american broadcasting.

    “a black woman’s nipple shouldnt have that much power.

    “people have been fired from their radio shows, bono’s f-word has been re-classified as being indecent, howard stern got fined for something he said years and years ago. and yet i wasnt fined!

    “the fcc is really spinning out of control, and if the president doesnt get a grip on it he might be voted out of office because of my nipple and their reaction to it.”

    instead you tried to be coy and quiet and that only brings about more probing and questioning, and like condi rice, makes you look more guilty than you might be.

    even though you are probably lying about it being a mistake and an accident.

    dave asked you point blank “what was supposed to happen” and you didnt answer him.

    were you supposed to have a bra on? was a sticker with the logo from your new album supposed to be on your boobie? what was supposed to be there if not for your little nubbin?

    simple question that you should have expected dave to ask.

    he asks people questions, you realize, for a living.

    you looked lovely, by the way. and that frame around your bellybutton distracted us from your bosom for at least a millisecond.

    next time you might want to ask dave to let you sing your song first so that people remember that we should be paying more attention to your songs than your sex.

    but what do i know, i show my nipples all the time and the fcc doesnt say shit.

    next time claim sexism, cuz thats what it is you know.

    get on david letterman and say, its sorta sexism when men can do things that women cant on tv.

    and then let dave unfurl the comebacks.

    your pal,


    virginia anne + no matt + unswung