1. Monday, March 29, 2004

    i guess everyone is bound to make a mistake or two. 

    but a million dollar mistake? i wonder how many of those ive made over the years. i suppose not buying amazon stock back in the day… or buying ebay stock.

    its hard going through life pretending not to give a shit about money and then being even slightly depressed about stocks during a beautiful sunday afternoon when the santa anas are blowing their hot winds through this valley like during a drunken grab ass.

    her name was chica. she was a showgirl. wild flowers in her hair. little beemer over there. tapped on my door in the middle of the night last night and i was startled because i thought it was super late but it wasnt it was only 930p but i had fallen asleep after the east coast showing of the sopranos. she wanted to know why i hadnt called her back after our last date and i have a hard time not telling the absolute truth on sundays and i said it was cuz i didnt think she liked me and she was all i like you and i was all why didnt you put out and she said that she wanted to that she didnt think that i wanted it and i was all guys always want it and she said girls always want it too.

    but i didnt want it. i wanted to turn back time and sign those option grants and pay my $500 and get my 45k shares so i could have a house and a car and all the troubles that come from having to answer the phones when people called asking for money and i wanted to be able to say where were you when i was working for the xbi giving all those bags of ill begotten cash to the poor. where were you when i was riding the bus in the middle of the night to get to miss montreals birthday party and you look in the bus and theres one two three four five homeless people sleeping and each one has a huge hefty bag of their shit in the seat next to them.

    and one of the dudes walks up to the busdriver as hes booking down wilshire at midnight and he said youre cool man i like you and the driver says thanks. and the dude tries to sell him sunglasses because he reportedly has one dollar to his name and the driver says oh its ok, im good. and the guy goes no try it on. and it couldnt be more midnighty dark. and the driver could have easily pointed to the sign that says any unnecessary conversations with the operator is prohibited. but instead he just goes, no thanks, i dont have any money and i wanted to say driver carries no cash.

    and a little voice says your reward is in the kingdom of heaven give to george washington whats george washingtons give to andrew jackson whats andrew jackson and give to ben franklin whats ben franklins.

    and a littler voice a more annoying one says a hundred grand would buy you that burrito hut in isla vista and there will be a girl in a bikini top out there from noon to six next to the keg and she will pour out buck cups and that will be your big attraction, the senior vista bikini buck beer girl and i look at chica and wonder if she even knows who shes trying to make out with and i ask her what records shes been listening to lately and she says bright eyes and im all hmmm thats a toss up and i say who else and she says john mayer and i walk her to that beemer and i vow never to see her again and convince myself that i wont miss her. and its that sort of logic that keeps me broke ugly and single.

    jessica + smile at me + whats your damage