1. Monday, March 22, 2004

    paris hilton wants to know what my fucking problem is. 

    apparently im the only straight guy in hollywood who wont bone her. so she sent me this picture and asked if i only liked super innocent girls like ashley who wore daisies in their hair and i was thinking if everyone reads this blog, which apparently everyone does, why do the madpony girls kick my ass, doubling my hits on most days, even on weeks where they dont even update?

    and i told paris that no i dont like only super innocent girls. im open to all sorts of chicks, including her and her sister. but then i regretted saying anything cuz the last thing i need is to have to deal with breaking poor aaron carter’s fragile heart by stealing his girlfriend who does look pretty good in the marge simpson edition of maxim and its about time that maxim got a few more toons in their shit. even though a toon killed my uncle.

    if i was to have a girlfriend anytime soon i would insist that our lustmaking sessions occur solely at my hollywood cabana. theres one particular young lady who keeps trying to pull me over to her cute little condo even though she has a cute little roommate. now, sure, i think we all know what madness may ensue, but it aint gonna ensue. all thats gonna happen is im going to be terribly uncomfortable and im not going to be able to bring the noise the way id like to because im going to be uptight about her roommate hearing, and whatever guest her roommate might have over.

    its the silliest issue in rock, but say la vie. i had a similar problem with my true love way back in the day when we were just getting to know each other, except the roles were reversed in a way. i lived with four other dudes in a huge victorian on haight and she lived with her best friend in a quiet apartment on cole and i told her that our loudnesses would be absorbed by the cacocaphony of the bachelors, while at her place her book-learnin roommate would not only hear each move we made but would probably analyze and judge each sound that i was provoking.

    youd think the ladies would appreciate a man who has his own place and all the benefits that would come from such a situation but im telling you fellas, life is not as simple as you think its going to be once you graduate highschool.

    but no, they just get weirder.

    me and paris have similar problems she tells me. for most people, she explains, they have to worry about getting money to spend. her problem is where to spend it and on what. and for me its not how i will get laid or by whom but where.

    and i was all yeah paris those are tough problems we have. but im still not doing you until you wash all that aaron carter shit off your face and belly and everywhere else it might be.

    she was like, thats so not cool

    the new n.e.r.d. record isnt all that.

    and i was all, dude im going to take a black light to your shit and if it isnt all out of there i dont want nothing to do with you and she was calling me names and crying but deep down she knows that it’s the right thing to do.

    and i think i got an inspiration from raspil on how to put Lick up tonight.

    my single mom life + franny + prestopundit