1. Monday, April 5, 2004

    i dont know where to begin or where to end. 

    lets start with how i did everything wrong today. i shouldnt have even gone to work.

    it was opening day. all my childhood i begged and faught with my mother to get this day off. now that im an adult and i could have very simply called in “sick” i didnt because im loyal and a great employee even when i get paid chicken feed. but the man upstairs, i know that he cares, he helped the cubbies win. and now we only have 161 more wins until i can feel totally comfortable.

    i shouldnta gone into work because i was distracted by the game. i have a hard time concentrating at my job and watching the cubs on tv. my job is super hard. i need to focus at all times.

    i was also distracted by the anniversary of kurts death. i wanted to write something really great and powerful and insightful and killer because i have an unusual relationship to nirvana since i was on college radio when bleach came out, i was the arts and entertainment editor when nevermind came out, i played “teen spirit” on the radio before it was even released, i saw their last concert in LA, and i lived with two total nirvana nuts who played the records non stop for weeks after he died. not only was i paying attention to popular music during the time of grunge, my eyes and ears were wide open as was my heart and i was writing it all down. if there was a target market i was it, if they were selling kool-aid i was drinking it and telling all my friends to swim in it with me.

    and of course i was distracted by tsar headlining the most important show of their careers.

    most people dont know, but daylight savings time was supposed to happen next week, but when the powers that be found out that tsar was playing today they told everyone that today was the day to turn the clocks forward so that tsar would take the stage earlier.

    hollywood crowds do not dance, they dont clap, they dont cheer and you rarely get encores. and some would say you dont fill a club up on wilshire blvd just east of fairfax on passover night, but tsar did and people danced and clapped and cheered and tsar would have gotten an encore, but they had nothing left to prove after their unrelenting and blistering set of mostly new tunes from their upcoming cd, band girls money.

    excited on many levels, happy, sad, twisted, fucked in so many ways, i paid real money to eat a salad for lunch, i began drinking immediately after work had ended, i ended up eating 7 tums throughout the day, and i wound up dropping and shattering my sole digital camera in the mens room of marie calendars, karma for shitting in the handicapped stall.

    i took four dumps today.

    here it is 1am. i have no idea how to feel about anything. im pissed at all the fucking idiots who talked shit about my hero in metafilter, im stoked that tsar really could fill the barn called the el rey but im pissed that the crowd didnt react the way they should have which was with awe and joy, instead they just stood and stared with their jaws dropped.

    im furious with gravity for taking my truly true love, my canon s45 which has an extended good guys warranty but i seriously doubt dropping it on a cement floor is covered, but as soon as it broke i thought of kurt and i thought of passover and i was all symbolic about first born male sons dying and i loved that camera like a son and i learned it fast and loved it easily.

    im grateful for the famous editor who said he read my xbi story of last week when we got shot at in koreatown who said that i shouldnt bother with being a reporter or columnist that i should just focus on being what he called a writer because he suggested that editors would only ruin what good thing i have and i thought to myself that i love editors and i need editing and some of my best friends arent gay, theyre editors. but he meant it completely complimentary and i took it the same, he was saying i was good, and as often as i hear that in the comments and from the friends, it never sticks for more than a millisecond.

    and im super pissed at the jagoff who deleted the fantasy league today that i joined sunday and drafted perfectly despite getting the last pick in the 12 team draft.

    but the best part of the night was watching this one kid wearing a tsar shirt standing right underneath jeff singing along to all the words of all the songs from a record that hasnt even come out yet. and i know there were industry people in the house because you could see the stains in the carpet as they slithered to the free drinks, and if any of them wants to prove that they belong, they will do something about this tiny little miracle and help make it not just my favorite band, but the planet’s.

    im grateful to gravity because this is the first tsar show where i actually watched completley undistracted while holding a bottle of beer amazed at how sparkling rock can be.

    and i love that my ears are still ringing.

    luminous dreams + five live links + melting dolls