nothing in here is true

  1. Sunday, April 25, 2004

    lest anyone think that i would defoul 

    my beautiful wife’s ass with my huge member, let it be known that when i talk about the beautiful love that i make on this blog, im never talking about the intimate details between myself and my betroved.

    moxie and i have a little arrangement. yes shes my wife, but only in the marital sense. i dont tell her what to do with her body and she doesnt tell me what to do with mine. our only deal is that we’ll be safe and not bring anything back to the homestead.

    the relations that i have with my love is caring and loving and beautiful. what i do outside the home, however, well, thats usually the stuff that i would never do with the woman who will one day bear my children.

    thats how they do it in europe, and thats how we agreed it will be done here.

    other similarities: we drink a lot of wine, take long naps, and go on strike as much as possible during the summer months.

    right now im in a new girls apartment. i cant really remember what we did last night in much detail but i know she ordered pasta at 1am from a place called berries. we were watching the Restaurant, that stupid reality docudrama about that jimmy fallon lookalike rocco someone who has a restaurant and always screws it up.

    she was smoking some jamacian shit and suddenly got the munchies and dialed information and then the transfered her over to berries and bam within minutes she had rigattoni and meatballs.

    she ate so much so fast she had to puke. and i was all so thats how all you west hollywood girls stay so thin. and she was all shut up and jumped on me after brushing her teeth and within minutes we were asleep.

    so now im listening to the pixies trying to write to you from her lil laptop. its a powerbook something. i cannot repeat how disappointed i am in the good people of apple for not having the right click button. fucking apple invented the mouse, why are they trying to keep it real by keeping the right click button away from their loyal users?

    im listening to the pixies in minnesota 4/13/04 which i see is being sold on ebay for $61. am i a prick if i burned a copy to sell it on ebay? for some reason i think i am. but the pixies arent going to sell that thing any time soon, are they? shit i dont know. i know if i had a band id have a huge tip jar on stage that said “give us 50% of all the shit you stole from us. or give us 100% of all tips youd like to give us.”

    shes got blue eyes and soft thighs. little plastic cups cuz she doesnt like cleaning up. the meatballs last night had a little bread in the middle of it and it reminded me of chicago. i brought my tivo over and we were watching the mclaughlin group and a cubs game and old videos and some woddy allen.

    so now im typing you and ignoring the typos because a guy she likes might call her to go to breakfast, and the best part about having a wife is i dont care if she has breakfast with this fool or not. and because i dont give a fuck she wants me even more. now shes saying shes hot and she is hot. she says no its fucking hot in herre and i say turn on that ceiling fan and she says she cant cuz shes allergic to dust and theres probably an inch of winter dust on there that shes got to wait for her lady to come over and dust before she even can think about that ceiling fan.

    and shes gone through four or five costume changes. from jeans and a sleeveless shirt to a cord skirt and a one armed shirt to a bikini top and a flowery skirt. it just keeps getting hotter as we approach noon and so does she.

    now its fatboy slim on her itunes “10th and Crenshaw”. if it wasnt for girls i wouldnt listen to half the muysic i end up listening to. now she wants to eat with me. i teller to wait for her man. she says hes not gonna call. i say wait. she says shes hungry. i say you ate all that pasta lasta nighta. she said uh … remember. and i was all, oh yeah….

    i just asked her to chill for a minute while i finish this and she said want some oj and i said oh yeah, yes! and she brought one up in another plastic cup but she added a splash of vodka and when i turned around to say thanks i saw that she had made a fourth costume change. a catholic girl skirt with a tshirt that said do me.

    seacrest out.


  2. Saturday, April 24, 2004

    we did it again cuz we hadnt seen each other in a while. 

    and now shes sleeping again. all cute on the couch. i was just about to say that the day has been a great little lazy day primarilly because her phone hasnt rung, but cue the phone. its another one of her gay friends. remind me to take the battery out of her phone the next time she falls asleep.

    why is it that they have to call you three four times a day i ask her after she announces happily “im awake!” why cant they just run around and be gay? she slaps me in the head and goes back to reading her book.

    i shouldnt complain. my phone was ringing off the damn hook early this morn. it was the old lady. she was having a lightbulb problem. it was 7:30am. i wasnt about to help her with the lightbulb i didnt care that she was 91. i love her and all but its 7:30. at 8:30 she called again to let me know that all was well.

    then my mom called at 10am. the girl slept through all of this.

    earlier i was watching little freddy adu. or trying to at least, the coach wouldnt let him play. hes 14. hes making more money than everyone on the team. it was freddy adu bobblehead day at the stadium. i dont know, that might inspire me to play him more than 18 minutes. jagoff.

    now im watching a tivoed recording of last nights replay of the laker + rockets game. i hate that they edit the games that they show at midnight. why cant they just show us the whole damn game? so it ends at 2:45am instead of 2am, big whoop.

    why do i have to rule the world? why do i have to fix all the wrongs that go down every day? escuse me, its 4:20pm.

    she reminds me that we’ve been dating for a year now. she reminds me that shes still mad at me for marrying moxie. shes still on my couch. shes still reading. my tivo isnt very reliable.

    if you try to go to the now playing sometimes it freezes up and restarts cuz it wasnt built to have 230 hours in it. she wants to go outside now. she wants to eat somewhere where we can sit outside. girls love sitting outside and eating.

    she hates it when i catagorize her with every single person of her sex.

    so i tell her that all girls love appetizers and desserts.

    she says she knows she doesnt look cute but wants to sit outside before the sun goes down.

    shes been pretty great so i say ok.

    sk smith + the known universe + mist

  3. it was that time of the month 

    and we were drunk from margueritas from this trendy los feliz mexican place that had the replacements and tom waits on the jukebox because los feliz is one of the few places to realize that gen*x now has some disposable income so you can get away with charging nine bucks for three shrimp tacos which means one medium sized shrimp per taco with a sprinkle of cabbage and salsa on each (tres la) on little doilies of corn torillas key word little, oughtta be called l’il and now you know how we stay so fit and trim, so the question was anal or oral sex. i said bend that sweet ass over cuz its friday night and the santa anas didnt fly all the way to hollywood for nothing ho.

    and she giggled cuz she wanted it and she came last time but her gay friends warned her that she cant really think that you can just have anal any ole time, specially with a black man, and she said are you sure youre not going to stretch my ass out? hair over her eyes eyes half closed us half clothed boom box half up with air talkie walkies trying to lend some mood. i said im going to fuck you. promises are for pussy assed whiteboys. my only promise is you will love it. my only promise is the neighbors will know that im home. my promise is you’ll have some new stories to tell your pretty boys. now flip bitch before you make me get a switch and i pointed to the frail little bullshit tree maybe one years old with long green spindley branches that have been known to sting when in the hands of the wrong man.

    you could see her thinking. she loved being spanked. she loved everything i did. at that point she wanted the full course but she was also sleepy and ready and drifting and spinning. she rolled over halfway on her side as a compromise and i pushed her all the way over and kicked up the jams.

    now i know a lot of kids read the busblog and they should. but you shouldnt believe everything you read. especially on the internet. and especially when right on the top of the page it says that this is all bullshit. but if you want to believe anything believe that i put on a condom, cuz that part is always true. if i find out you little fuckers arent using condoms every time im not going to give you any more tips cuz thats the biggest one. protect yourself even when youre with fakebaked perkytitted lakergirls on the rag who smell like dove and american spirits.

    i squeezed out a little gop of ky. my ky was getting old. what does that say about me. it didnt come out right. it sorta came out but in a hard little thing. i rubbed it over the rubber but most of it just fell on her ass below me. she didnt notice. i got another squeeze, this time a bigger one. rubbed it on my hand, then rubbed my hand on condom then slid it in.

    wrong one she giggled. i aimed higher. went right in. she was all i ate rice and beans. i was all wham who cares. she was like well now i feel like i have to go to the little girls room. i was all umff you are in the little girls room.

    we stopped she went to the bathroom. i put down a towel got a new condom and we did it the old fashioned way. and it wasnt so bad. never is.

    and in the morning she woke me up early and when we were done she went back to sleep till noon.

    bunnie + virginia + how appealing

  4. Friday, April 23, 2004

    when i was younger and in romantic relationships 

    i could be sort of a dictator. i didnt know how else to act and for some reason that came natural and was easy to do.

    it was distructive and uncool and stupid, but it was easy.

    now i try not to give a fuck. if a chick doesnt want to go out after she says she does, whatev. if a chick wants to be late for the date, whatev.

    in lots of ways im the perfect guy to date.

    i even forget all the dirty things these girls do to me.

    but work is a totally different thing for some reason.

    at work ive turned from mellow to gnarly. i get so pissed off when people break the rules and i get super super pissed when they run around like it’s no biggie.

    i get so angry its bizarre. here i am mellowman ace and i can get set off when the phone rings when it shouldnt.

    im the furthest thing from professionalism in that i dress like a fucking slob, im not as detail orientated as i ought to be, but when it comes to standards and practices im the fucking example.

    in the xbi its the only way.

    if communication and followthrough arent totally on point, people literally die. and even though im not totally in love with everyone around me, death is a motherfucker. plus, even though i dont get paid shit here i want to do a good job. is that so crazy?

    today is beautiful. its warm for the first time in a long time. and by warm i mean hot. all i want to do is get out of here but we have these fucking idiots who think that things are on their schedule. theyre going home right now and we have to wait for their paperwork to arrive – shit that shoulda been here fucking yesterday morning – and then we have to process it and then we can go home.

    im not one to bitch, you know that. just fridays. warm fridays. fridays means get out early. i couldnt even fly much today cuz it was windy. when its windy i have to help out on the paperwork and if i bitch someones gonna call me a primadonna cuz i hardly ever have to do paperwork but fuck this shit.

    what if i decided to go to a location a day and a half after we were supposed to? why can people do their shit 36 hours after theyre supposed to, but i cant?

    of course they will say that i can kill people and they cant but i dont run around killing people when im pissed off.

    i want a job where i work with pros. how hard is that?

    i want a job where when the shit is done everyone gets to go home and enjoy the sunshine.

    i want a job where everyone can look each other in the eye and say right on.

    i used to have such a situation.

    but now i fly chopper one for the xbi and everythings fuct. and it all went to shit when they took the apple juice out of the coke machine.

    makeout city + bob mould + vacant

  5. got the girl’s car washed yesterday. 

    people arent patient. people think that they have more important things to do. when youre driving a car in LA after work you’re kidding yourself if you think you have more important things to do.

    youre a slave to the traffic. which never moves. youre a slave to waiting for lights to change. youre a slave to the guy ahead of you to make a left even though he wont, he’ll wait till the very last minute.

    im the best driver cuz i dont fight it. everyones fighting it. saw this orthodox jew in a mini van this morn take his time making a left. this guy behind him in a sporty beemer with a cartoon perfect muscle head was about to blow a gasket.

    dude tried to uber-left the jew when the coast was clear, ended up going around to the right. fast and then slow so he could bitch out the jewish man who had the hat on and the beard and the jewish stickers on the back of his van.

    we were on la brea south of melrose. land of the hasidics. there was no reason to be all pissed off, beemer guy.

    beautiful friday morning with warm winds that we call santa anas.

    and i remembered the joke about how do you tell the difference between a porcupine and a bmw.

    we used to tell this one at the gas station that i once worked at.

    the answer is porcupines have the pricks on the outside.

    although it was nice to have a car a little bit, it still doesnt beat the subway+bus situation ive got going on.

    and unless im driving around the country meeting girls like you, i doubt it ever will.

    dehumidifier + my soliloquy + listen missy

  6. this week in rock in la 

    tonight 4/23

    michael ian black – knitting factory

    david bowie – arrowhead pond

    morrisey – wiltern

    the osmond brothers – citrus college

    wayne kramer – farmers market

    tommy lee (dj’ing) – key club

    medeski, martin & wood – roxy

    lets go bowling – el rey

    tomorrow 4/24

    general public – troubador

    method man – house of blues

    too $hort – key club

    .38 special – the canyon

    distillers – henry ford

    thunderstruck (all-girl ac/dc cover band) – 14 below

    robyn hitchcock – largo

    circle jerks – ventura theatre

    system of a down – greek theatre

    kid rock – universal

    sunday 4/25

    flock of seagulls, devo, general public, tone-loc – la coliseum 8am

    everlast – house of blues

    monday 4/26

    seal – house of blues

    carlos guitarlos – thunderbird

    morrissey – wiltern

    tuesday 4/27

    sam phillips – largo

    morrissey – wiltern

    wednesday 4/28

    queensryche – house of blues

    thursday 4/29

    brian jonestown massacre – el rey

    jucifier – knitting factory

    the star fuckers – cat club

    tiffany + mc brown + just procrastinating

  7. Thursday, April 22, 2004

    the headline read “gay lovers climb tree, then have sex” 

    nd instead of the obvious, the first thing i thought of was how can we get rid of that then in the headline? i have a terrible sickness. i want to write i want to edit i want to think about what should be written about i think about how it should be written. i desperately need to have interesting pictures. i do my best not to write about myself, but i fail horribly. then i have to remind myself the url of the busblog. this is mine. demons and doubters and devils beware.

    today i wondered how much money it would cost to shut me up about a certain topic. i play fantasy sports a lot. im playing baseball now and im super frustrated because typically half of the league will stop playing before the mid-way point but it already looks like that number is increasing to 80% before the first month is finished.

    in fantasy sports you are constantly thinking about trades. trade offs. betting on the future. leveraging from a point of strength. i won two out of four basketball leagues last year and one of em was actually challenging. the two that i lost were insanely challenging, probably because people actually paid.

    to silence myself about politics is like trading a slow-footed third baseman who doesnt hit a lot of homers for the catcher of the colorado rockies. you should always go for the quick upside in fantasy sports because the clock is ticking.

    in real life though, i hate sellouts. and even though i have no money i dont need any dumb money.

    those two gay guys climbed a tree and had sex.

    that couldnt cost very much.

    so the obvious question when you see the headline gay lovers climb tree, then have sex is how much sex can two gay guys have in a tree? or is the obvious question is it interesting because theyre gay or because one is 17 and one is wearing a wig?

    straight couples have sex all over the damn place, and you’d think as creative as the gays are they’d be having sex all over the place too. but i guess not because its rare even to see gay people making out. even in la. even in hollywood.

    normally im against adults having sex with young adults under 18, but if the dude is climbing a damn tree to get some, that kid wants it. so let him have it.

    very few people id climb a tree to bang.

    xtina, mariah, anna, monica sweetheart, and serena williams. i know you thought id say my truest but we’d fall out the tree and go splat. at least i would.

    today we formated the d: drive. by buddy jeff said right before you hit yes to the format say goodbye porn.

    i said goodbye porn, and an hour later i had my 189 gig d: drive back.

    and like osmosis, without much help from me, the porn of the internet has already begun to find itself into my computer.

    welcome back, porn.

    and if you dont think i havent thought about making a totally x rated blog where all i talk about is fucking smoking and drinking then you have completely underestimated me.

    jusmare + sahalie + zulieka

  8. weirdest day, 

    pardon me while i vent. fucking motherfucking ticketmaster fucking fucking fucking raped me again. as always as usual. howard stern gets fucked for saying hell i dont even know what he says. but ticketmaster gets to make as much fucking money as they want, mostly stealing from the youth of america.

    got a hot tip while inbetween swings at this fucking chump today. he didnt want to tell us who his boss was. where the shit was. so my dude had him by the ears and kept bashing the back of his head against the wall.

    he kept saying fernando marquez.

    i was all its not fernando marquez beat his ass more. so he beat his ass more. blood was slowly building between his lips. but bro never stopped his stupid ass one gold toothed dumbass smile.

    i said my fake name is fernando marquez motherfucker. thats where youve heard that name. im the fucking man. he said jess i know jew the fucking mang. so i said give me something else then give me something fucking else. give me a warehouse address give me a combination to a safe box. give me something.

    and only in LA would some fucking straight off the boat, no check that, straight out of the back of a fucking tijuana pickup truck would some asswipe say

    the pixies will be the special guest for the Coachella pre party at the glass house in pomona.

    my dude had his dick out he was about to piss on the cuts he had carved on the fuckheads arms and shoulders. i work with the classiest gentlemen, i know.

    i told my dude to chill for a second. he kept his dick out and took a long gulp of the half empty miller high life.

    got back from the van and dialed up ticketmaster. i didnt see it. i said i dont see it you fucking lying sack of shit. dont make us both piss on you.

    he said go to my homepage. he gave us his url and there it was.

    pixies live in a small club.

    so i got online and i fucking had to sign up to ticketmassah again cuz i hadnt been raped by them in so long, and there they were, two tickets for $30 each. i told my dude to untie the mother.

    the only shipping options that ticketslavey offered was 2-day ups for $20, or 3-day for $15, or will-call for free. even though karisa doesnt ever have problems with will call, most los angelinos know that thats a fucking trap.

    will call is the line that suckers line up in if they want to miss the show because EVERY fucking media motherfucker is getting in all the shows for free and they get their tickets at will call and theres never enough waiting for them, and they always want to talk to someone important and that asswipe is never around and its drama and the line Never moves. ever. if i ever wanted to take pictures of well dressed hollywoodians pissed off it would be in the will call lines to shows.

    my subtotal was $95 because somehow Ticketmaster is allowed to charge $12 “convienence” fee PER ticket plus they get to pretend that UPS charges $14 for a 3-day delivery. fuck them and my lifelong devotion to the politician who calls bullshit on their monopoly.

    but i will get the tickets delivered by monday probably, even though i wont be at home.

    and we left the motherfucker bleeding and nude on the corner of western and hollywood blvd and he didnt bitch because he knew that he should be dead.

    and then someone emailed me to tell me they sent me some money and that was super cool but i was all like what am i supposed to do with this.

    and then someone else asked me to take pictures for them for $200 in a few weeks but my cameras broke. and now its 4:20 and i just want to go home but i cant because we got a call that theres a naked guy at the hollywood police department yelling xbi xbi which means we have to shut someones mouth. forever.

    and i will tell you this about peer-to-peer networks. i seriously doubt i would have paid $100 out the door to see this band if i hadnt downloaded their Minnesota show of a few weeks ago, their first show in years and years and years – and was amazed at how great it sounded and how many songs i remembered and loved and loved and loved.

    even if they forgot to jam the one about the superhero named tony. i believe its called tonys theme.

    we are full of shit + britcoal + kitty bukkake + sk smith

  9. it’s always nice to get email. 

    but yesterday i got what might have been a drunken email asking me about my relationship with ms flagrant disregard and whether or not i had pissed her off.

    dear drunken emailer, i have no idea whether or not i have pissed our miss splinky or not, but i doubt it.

    the emailer also complimented me on my sports blogging, of which i proudly accept the kudos.

    next time put your name at the end of your email so i can address you personally.

    a commenter named Ian said he would fund my trip around the country/write a book/take pictures project as long as i didnt bushbash. if i accepted that i would be a sellout.

    so im a sellout.

    i would travel around the country and write about it and include a chapter or two about politics for $30k

    i would travel around the country and write about it and not include anything about politics for $40k

    send your check(s) to


    4845 Fountain Ave. #15

    Hollywood, CA 90029

    what im thinking is a big book, each page would have a big picture on the left, and text on the right.


    people have written in and asked why i havent talked much about the Lakers.

    easy, cuz their season only just began.

    their preseason that is.

    and once they get done with Houston, their real season begins.

    j-mo + danielle + science blog

  10. Wednesday, April 21, 2004

    in isla vista nineteen ninety 

    music couldnt get any better. half of tsar were in the wonderfuls. half were in mons pubis. and half were in the brothers steve.

    the best band of iv changed every night. one night it was a bunch of heroin taking punkers from downtown santa barbara called bad neighbor. one night it was the all girl even punker Pre Marital Sex. one night it was keith browns glitterbug. one night it was the sean white band. one night it was grateful dead-esqe electric blue.

    a metal band that year was flown to florida to compete in mtvs battle of the bands. their name was indica.

    but the next year indica had been forgotten because isla vista’s ugly kid joe had actually broken through and had a top 40 hit on mtv, the spunky i hate everything about you.

    people speculated as to who would be next to get signed and be huge.

    because the pixies had a minor hit with “here comes your man”, locals immediately pointed to pop punkers rogue cheddar. a working man’s camper van beethoven.

    rogue cheddar’s bass player, and axe wielder, was a fella named tom, who is now better known as tomdog, buzznet’s #2 most active user (second only to buzznet founder, mc brown, who used to play rogue cheddar tunes on kcsb-fm where brown was music director).

    at blogtime, with 11,506 buzznet comments posted, tomdog is only 1,100 comments from being topdog.

    rogue cheddar was the thirsty thursday house band for quite awhile. thirsty thursday was the weekly keg that my hippie friends hosted nearly every thursday for the four years that i was at ucsb. bring a buck and your own cup was the environmentally conscious motto of the long-running party hosted by jesus rob, toms next door neighbor when they lived on sabado tarde.

    at first rogue cheddar was very bad.

    they were the sort of band where youd get your beer and walk into the house and pick up on girls with the closing line of, “come with me, i live very very far away.”

    and then seemingly overnight rogue cheddar not only had it together but they had original songs, a band groove, a tightness, a style, and a feel.

    it was truly bizzare.

    they were still playing thirsty thursdays but now they were releasing 7″ singles. i still have one.

    they ended up playing on my radio show.

    soon they had a tape out.

    but then, as was the case of lots of great rock dreams, the singer fell in love and the band sorta fizzled into the overstuffed manila folder in the sky labeled “the woulda-beens”.

    today tom turns thirtyblahblah years old.

    when he was here in LA last he brought me over some rum, he gave me some good advice about my bicycle, and we even took a nice ride along sunset and downtown in the cuban girl’s honda element.

    a few days later he created a buzznet account, and the internet hasnt been the same ever since.

    beth m. + hey red + meesh is back