1. Thursday, April 22, 2004

    weirdest day, 

    pardon me while i vent. fucking motherfucking ticketmaster fucking fucking fucking raped me again. as always as usual. howard stern gets fucked for saying hell i dont even know what he says. but ticketmaster gets to make as much fucking money as they want, mostly stealing from the youth of america.

    got a hot tip while inbetween swings at this fucking chump today. he didnt want to tell us who his boss was. where the shit was. so my dude had him by the ears and kept bashing the back of his head against the wall.

    he kept saying fernando marquez.

    i was all its not fernando marquez beat his ass more. so he beat his ass more. blood was slowly building between his lips. but bro never stopped his stupid ass one gold toothed dumbass smile.

    i said my fake name is fernando marquez motherfucker. thats where youve heard that name. im the fucking man. he said jess i know jew the fucking mang. so i said give me something else then give me something fucking else. give me a warehouse address give me a combination to a safe box. give me something.

    and only in LA would some fucking straight off the boat, no check that, straight out of the back of a fucking tijuana pickup truck would some asswipe say

    the pixies will be the special guest for the Coachella pre party at the glass house in pomona.

    my dude had his dick out he was about to piss on the cuts he had carved on the fuckheads arms and shoulders. i work with the classiest gentlemen, i know.

    i told my dude to chill for a second. he kept his dick out and took a long gulp of the half empty miller high life.

    got back from the van and dialed up ticketmaster. i didnt see it. i said i dont see it you fucking lying sack of shit. dont make us both piss on you.

    he said go to my homepage. he gave us his url and there it was.

    pixies live in a small club.

    so i got online and i fucking had to sign up to ticketmassah again cuz i hadnt been raped by them in so long, and there they were, two tickets for $30 each. i told my dude to untie the mother.

    the only shipping options that ticketslavey offered was 2-day ups for $20, or 3-day for $15, or will-call for free. even though karisa doesnt ever have problems with will call, most los angelinos know that thats a fucking trap.

    will call is the line that suckers line up in if they want to miss the show because EVERY fucking media motherfucker is getting in all the shows for free and they get their tickets at will call and theres never enough waiting for them, and they always want to talk to someone important and that asswipe is never around and its drama and the line Never moves. ever. if i ever wanted to take pictures of well dressed hollywoodians pissed off it would be in the will call lines to shows.

    my subtotal was $95 because somehow Ticketmaster is allowed to charge $12 “convienence” fee PER ticket plus they get to pretend that UPS charges $14 for a 3-day delivery. fuck them and my lifelong devotion to the politician who calls bullshit on their monopoly.

    but i will get the tickets delivered by monday probably, even though i wont be at home.

    and we left the motherfucker bleeding and nude on the corner of western and hollywood blvd and he didnt bitch because he knew that he should be dead.

    and then someone emailed me to tell me they sent me some money and that was super cool but i was all like what am i supposed to do with this.

    and then someone else asked me to take pictures for them for $200 in a few weeks but my cameras broke. and now its 4:20 and i just want to go home but i cant because we got a call that theres a naked guy at the hollywood police department yelling xbi xbi which means we have to shut someones mouth. forever.

    and i will tell you this about peer-to-peer networks. i seriously doubt i would have paid $100 out the door to see this band if i hadnt downloaded their Minnesota show of a few weeks ago, their first show in years and years and years – and was amazed at how great it sounded and how many songs i remembered and loved and loved and loved.

    even if they forgot to jam the one about the superhero named tony. i believe its called tonys theme.

    we are full of shit + britcoal + kitty bukkake + sk smith