1. Wednesday, May 5, 2004

    everything i ever wanted to know about sex i learned from anna kournikova. 

    start with the hair. pull it. yank it. and when you do it bite at the neck like youre pissed off at something. if you cant think of anything to be pissed off about think about who is actually biting anna kournikova’s neck. that should do the trick.

    next learn how to breathe. breathe on the off beats. if you’d normally breathe out when you push, breathe in. if you breathe around her ear or shoulders she might even like it. when in doubt go faster.

    dont forget to think about anything except fucking. think about the fcc think about flags waving think about library stacks think about leaves blowing around. think about burn victim rooms. think about anything other than the hottie whos hair youre pulling.

    nuzzle the nuzzable areas, pinch the pointy bits, bite the tounge when she shoves it at you.

    yank the fuzzy kitty cat collar.

    now learn how to talk dirty. you should have learned about this when you had phone sex early in the relationship. phone sex is vital, kids. vital. you get to learn boundaries you get to learn what the russian tennis star likes. you get to learn the vocabulary that she enjoys. you get to learn her turnons and turnoffs before she becomes a centerfold. and most of all you get to find out if she likes being called a filthy little whore or a dirty fucking slut. details my friends, details.

    saying the wrong thing at the wrong time can ruin everything. dont learn this the hard way cuz no one wants to read about your victim stories. deliver us tales of triumph and tell us about how you made her see colors blindfolded.

    pull out your boy scout guidebooks and relearn how to tie knots. theres a reason why theyre the foundation of american life, and its not because we all have 30 foot sailboats.

    for some of ours are bigger.

    learn to spank, learn to lick, learn to kiss. in that order.

    become aware of the biology of the most intimate of the feminine of areas. recall your days as a paperboy and stop at every landmark and deliver the paper with your tounge. learn to eat and enjoy eating pussy like it’s the center of life.

    apreciate the tastes the aromas the magic the majesty the folds the textures and the flavours and if you cant learn how to fake it. my advice: dont fake it.

    and if you cant write about it or talk about it or blog about it youre kidding yourself if you think you can finger it.

    spend far too much time down there.

    ask yourself if youve ever heard this statement in passing at the trader joe’s: i really loved him but he ate me out too much.

    and as in most things, learn how to use the left hand.

    back to fucking. remember they call it fucking.

    remind everyone that youre an animal. remember you were born with hair all over you, a desire to play with your food, and opposible thumbs. remember that you were born the stronger one and the bigger one and the rougher one. be strong be rough be tough. leave being gentle for fairies and conservatives. its two thousand and four, if they wanted to make out with a girl, theyd make out with a girl.

    fuck like the cops are coming. come like you dodged em.

    lift her and defy gravity. let the wall get some and the carpet. ruin the suede loveseat, wax the tabletops and use science against her. light the roof on fire and let that motherfucker burn.

    after you threaten the ass, growl. remind her what to tell her girlfriends. tell her precisely what to feel.

    fuck like how youd play guitar if you could actually play guitar: hard fast and all night.

    lift weights do curls pushup and pullup. not so that you’ll look good in a speedo, sexy, but so you can lift her up and do it right there in her best friend’s closet when everyone is in the backyard playing drunken twister like theyre edgy.

    look that dirty girl in the eye dont kisser and thank me cuz not only can you last cuz youve practiced your breathing but you can hold her up cuz youre in shape. shape magazine doesnt tell you why you want to be in shape but now you know the rest of the story old man.

    some say you cant slap her ass too much.

    she is a very bad girl after all.

    and a bitch

    and a secret ho

    and a little tramp who’s spoiled

    and pretty and

    far too pampered in daddys condo in redondo

    which all deserve a slap. not like youre used to. a hard one. a good one.

    several good ones.

    and then tell her how good that ass looks since no chick is happy with their ass.

    love her ass.

    as ive loved you.

    dirty fez + fat free milk + houseplant