1. Saturday, May 15, 2004

    i wonder if everyone wants to get their picture taken with miss usa. 

    that sash means so much if you let it. politics. symbolism. madeup stuff. nonsense.

    its that time of year again and in two weeks miss universe will be crowned. for the last few years we have been covering the miss universe competition and this year will be no exception.

    i do have some tips for trump, who owns the show and should hire me as a consultant.

    for starters he has to realize that he has dozens of the most beautiful women of the world at his finger tips, almost all of whom will never be out in front of the public ever again. to let these women come and go in a fortnight and only knock-out one two-hour show is a missed opportunity on a grand scale.

    nobody cares about beauty pageants and less care about miss universe.

    quick, name a miss universe.

    and yet about six million people will watch the pagent next month, and i think more would if trump only turned it into a reality show.

    the miss universe competition is over 50 years old, and yet theres not one famous winner. not one.

    how can trump enjoy being part of such a forgettable and disposable operation?

    why is it that we cant name even one of the winners of the hottest chick in the world contest and yet we can name survivors, real worlders, bachelor & bachelorettes, and american idols?

    we remember them because we were given enough time to meet them.

    even the most shallow men would have a hard time picking out the best babe out of 50 in just two hours.

    so trump needs to make the miss universe into a reality game show and each week we vote off up to three hotties.

    just like american idol, twice a week we get to see the women showing off their talents, just like survivor the contestants should have to do some bizzare things, and just like americas next top model tyra banks should be the host.

    each week the viewers from around the world vote to oust one person. each week the fellow contestants vote collectively to oust one person. and each week the three celebrity judges vote to oust one person.

    and at the end of the game, when there are two left, the world votes for a winner which ever woman gets the most votes gets one point. meanwhile the judges also vote, and the woman who gets the most votes from the judges gets a point. then the 50 miss universe contestants vote as a group… which ever woman gets the most points wins.

    although the popularity of this show will also garner protests from womens groups who rightfully object to the nature of any beauty contests as objectifying women, trump should rest assured in the fact that this pageant unlike any other in the world, takes more time to evaluate far more than just the beauty of these, the hottest chicks in the world.

    and like snl, every episode will have a different celebrity host and a live band playing popular music.

    what would the contests be?

    well, other than the obligatory swimsuit, talent, evening gown, and stupid question contests, the new miss universe pageant will include cooking, sewing, dancing, acting, bullshitting, smiling, and lingerie contests.

    although the most controversial competition will probably be the cleaning contest where a motel full of spring breakers trashes a red roof inn and 40 miss universe hopefuls each have an hour to tackle a room.

    on the season premiere we meet the women and take them to a tgif’s. there they are each given two bottles of wine.

    the top ten women who finish their wine first and then dance for a half hour without barfing, go on to the next round and are given immunity for two rounds because everyone loves hot chicks who can hold their booze.

    if lesbianism breaks out during the dance portion, oh well.

    the last ten women are kicked off, but the judges can pick one to return, as can the viewers.

    the winner gets to be miss universe and finally it would mean something.

    accordian guy + doc searls + jeff jarvis