1. Monday, May 3, 2004

    its a beautiful morning in hollywood. 

    its always beautiful when you get to wake up with a pretty girl who goes down on you, lets you flip her over, and like wise you roll off the bed and act like animals as liz phair plays and the sun shines and the ceiling fan twirls and the sheets tangle and the birds chirp.

    no way do i want to go to work today. no way is that girl topless right now pulling on her jeans and buckling her trendy white belt. no way will i be working for the xbi in two to three months.

    i had a great long weekend. on thursday i got to teach at the greatest classroom in america. on friday i saw the pixies and had my mind blown. on saturday a gorgeous young woman made me a madras and sprinkled some ecstasy in there and i told her that i was feeling sick and she told me what it was and i was all, you….. and i smiled and she said what can i get you and i said just give me a second to shower and right there in the shower it came on and we walked to the grocery store for eight cans of whipped cream gummy bears and popscicles. we only remembered the nitrous. on sunday she left me a worn out mess flopped on the couch barely able to nibble on the french bread from the day before and drinking warm orange juice because it was so hot in hollywood this weekend that everything ended up being warm.

    and here i am waiting for her to curl her hair and drive me to work so i can get yelled at for not being the perfect xbi agent that i never was. calgon has taken me away but reality has brought me back and im stronger and happier and better prepared for my departure from this stage of my so called life.

    i am seriously as in seriously as in super seriously considering quitting this job and doing that photography experiment where i have a chair on hollywood blvd and a table that has a sign in book and a sign that says no talking and another sign that says smile and a bucket where people will give me $2-$20 depending on how im doing that day.

    the xbi’s base salary is $25k because they know that we shake down all of the criminals that we catch. most agents make over $100k. because i have a “technical” position of flying chopper one, my base is $30k and i give everything that i shake down to the united negro college fund.

    and i live fine.

    $30k a day after taxes is $100 a day. which is 30 people saying yes i will let you take my picture here on hollywood blvd in hopes that it might make it into a tony pierce photo essay coffee table book and tipping me $3. thirty people a day on hollywood blvd. i think it can be done. call me crazy but i think it will be fun and easy. call me nuts but i think a tourist family of four would give me $10. call me nuts but i think a couple would give me $5. call me insane but if i got 5 families (5×10) 4 couples (4×5) and 7 randoms (6×3), i would make as much as i do now and it would be creative and fun and interesting.

    of course it would also be dangerous since hollywood blvd isnt the safest place and i would have a $1000 camera and maybe maybe maybe a $250 photo printer so that these people would have something to take back home of their trip to hollywood california. and it will be annoying trying to convince all the hobos and crackheads that i cant speak (pointing at a sign that says No talking doesnt mean much when the urchin cant read).

    and maybe after 100 pictures i can get a book deal. although i doubt it.

    and maybe after 50 picures of celebrities i can sell some to whoever you sell those to, but i doubt that too.

    and of course there will be a website called smilenotalking.com where people can set up appointments to get to meet the barely famous blogger who seriously lost his mind when he gave up his career of 3 years and traded in sure money and medical benefits in the name of art.

    but you cant always sit around waiting for the man.

    sometimes you have to go get him when hes not lookin.

    my beautiful wife moxie + vacant + stephanie