1. Thursday, May 20, 2004

    my man matt wants to know if im depressed. 

    the answer is yes.

    he wants to know if its the job thats making me this way.

    the answer is a reluctant yes.

    and as dumb as it might sound, its also the web and the president and iraq and politics and the fact that some people just cant let go of this two-party system where if their guy completely fucks up they wont let themselves admit it publicly.

    i dont think that anyone can make me sad. or anything.

    i believe that we decide for ourselves how we want to feel about something.

    yesterday i got a damaging review about my performance at work. of course they were wrong, but still it hurt, i felt disrespected, i felt insane, i felt wronged, i felt like the little room i was sitting in had no concept of reality.

    at that point i could choose a variety of emotions, and i chose to just be resigned to the fact that i work in a place where in these reviews people feel like they cant give you high scores if you really are very good at certain things, but they can give you very low scores, in fact the lowest score possible, if they feel like it.

    on one hand they told me that i have improved this year, but on paper i was given the lowest score possible in an important category. meanwhile they were saying that they wanted me to continue to grow within the company because there is a future for me there that they want me to be a part of.

    ive never seen such mixed messages.

    but the only one i could see was that score in that one area.

    the lowest score possible.

    and i told a beautiful girl and she offered to take me to my favorite chinese restaurant and she picked me up at work but i wasnt feeling it so i asked her to take me home. so we went home and ate cold leftover pizza. the whole time i just wanted to cry. but i cant cry. theres something inside me that always stops me from crying. she even opened her arms and said, please cry with me. but come on. a man cry infront of a woman?

    so we slept together and didnt make lust, didnt fool around, didnt do anything but sleep early and wake up early. and here i am up early and writing. the only thing that really makes me happy consistantly.

    i need a new job in the worst way and the thing about this spectacularilly obscene review is it might just be the motivating factor to get me out of this little three year employment rut that i have allowed myself to be a part of.

    last night this girl said that she might have to stop dating me because it kills her to see me, the smartest person she has ever met (her words), suffer for no reason. the pay is ridiculously low, the work is dangerous and emotional and retarded, and the pace is so fast that i barely have any time to take my two government mandated 15 minute breaks, never mind a full hour for lunch.

    still i tried to explain to her that out of all of that ugliness is where the busblog was created and where it has flourished.

    put a seed in the stinkiest of shit and watch it grow fast and huge and strong and wild.

    and with that she kissed me and begged me to take her. but i couldnt.

    i had to write. i had to get something out. i had to publicly explain that when we let these things bother us we are listening to the little demons in our head who right now are joined in the chant of lowest score possible lowest score possible.

    i am as competitive as one could be without being annoying. it kills me that im not in the technorati top 100. but i know that i havent done the things necessary to get there.

    one of the things i know that i, sadly, have to do to get there is write more politics. the stupid little truth about popularity on the web, and hits and links, is that in order to proceed up the ladder you have to gain the attention and links of those already on the ladder.

    but those on the ladder are mostly right-wingers talking about the news and politics and they would much rather link like-minded right-wingers and pretty girls than anything else.

    lord knows that i would be a lock for the technorati top 20 if i just threw in the towel and joined in on the george bush blowjob competition like the others because i write better than most of those jagoffs, i bring it harder, and i say it in a way that they could never.

    what makes me sad is that some of those who i respect dont even want to discuss the other side in an interesting way. they dont even want to acknowledge that the president’s uncle is a saudi money launderer who might be directly responsible for money that got to the 9/11 terrorists.

    and i can understand why they dont want to bring something like that up. in theory.

    i can understand the sort of pressure 150,000 hits a day means to your email inbox and your blogad revenue stream and your opportunities for more and better and richer and etc.

    and i can also understand the desire for others to want to get some of those hits sent their way. agree with the top 40 and they will shower you with readers and some of those readers may stay and some of those readers might click your stupid ads and some of that might turn into a few sheckles and some of that might turn into your shit getting more popular.

    if theres one lesson i can teach you in the last year of writing the busblog is this: do not kiss the ass of those on the right, stick to your guns, write what you believe to be the truth, and your hits, except for the rare exceptions, will not go above 1,000 a day.

    unless youre wil wheaton.

    and it’s not because most of the planet are conservatives. and its not because most of the people who get the big hits are such great writers. its because the majority of the hits come during 9am-5pm and the majority of people who can surf the web for news and politics have jobs where they sit in front of a computer and have the freedom to surf, and my belief is most of those people are white-collared conservatives who dont want to hear that the emperor has no clothes.

    so yes, matt, i have been a little sad lately but i plan on feeling better within minutes.

    i appreciate your concern.

    daily pundit + subverted reality + matt