1. Wednesday, May 5, 2004

    one of the oddities of being me 

    is that i often find myself lunching with some of the hottest chicks in hollywood.

    while the women that i have had the pleasure of dining with last night ordered their atkins-friendly meals and discussed how trimspa was different than slimfast and how one gym was better than another gym, i found myself in a familiar situation as somehow the discussion usually gets directed toward me as im either the sole male at the table or the least likely to be politically correct.

    last night at karisas birthday dinner i had to lay it out in the really-real manner that you have all become familiar with.

    i looked at the ladies of the table and i said, you girls need to learn a few things about men.

    there are no longer “leg men” or “breast men” or guys who like eyes. there are only vagina men. we like pussy and we like it as much as we can get it.

    one young woman nearly dropped her grilled chicken with nofat dressing on top.

    heres what you need to learn: not how many carbs are in a slice of pizza, but how to suck a cock and act like the fountain of youth is in our nads. you need to learn how to not start fights over minute little bullshit, you need to learn how to talk dirty and you need to learn how to cook.

    (similarilly dudes need to learn how to go down on a girl and how to fuck with a capital f.)

    fuck this bullshit catty madeup competition with other women about who has better clothes, fancier purses, and more successful men. learn how to appreciate the pick n roll, the glory of steak and eggs, and the spontenaity of road head.

    los angeles and specifically hollywood is the only town other than possibly new york where you could seriously find a table of 3-4 extremely beautiful women who in their hearts are not happy with their looks and therefore unsatisfied with themselves because of some unattainable physical goal that theyve convinced themselves that can be reached.

    the belief is, once theyve starved themselves into the size zilch lil black dress they will feel better about themselves, the men will come pouring out of the woodwork, the women will be jealous and envious, and everyone will want to either hire them love them or want to befriend them.

    even though every size zero woman in hollywood is villified worse than slow drivers in the fast lane dialing up their shrinks on their cellphones.

    “you know she binges and purges,” they whisper. “eat much?” they sneer. “i didnt know lara flynn has an Older sister,” they hiss.

    one reason i love karisa is she doesnt buy into that crap which is why she smiled at me when i was explaining to the girls that in order to love yourself you need to forget about these bizarre beliefs about bodytypes and start dating black men exclusively.

    karisa might have it easier because she likes to run in the mountains and is addicted to Abs of Steel and only dates guys who appreciates a little meat on the bones. karisa could use a little more junk in the trunk to some tastes but shes a great cook so i let it slide.

    first thing women need to do is quit competing with other women. whats the point? and how does anyone know who won?

    what ever happened to bake-offs?

    next thing women need to do is wear shorter skirts. everything is forgiven in a short skirt. the fatter you grow the shorter your skirt needs to be. i live in a latino portion of hollywood. trust me when i tell you that the above theory works in practice.

    probably the most important thing that the modern woman needs to do is quit dating guys who flinch at cellulite, belly rolls, or wrinkles. not only are those guys probably gay and should just come out of the closet like tom cruise is about to, but theyre just going to dump you once you go up a dress size. why should they get rewarded with the hotties as they do the dance of denial?

    finally the young women of america need to learn how to cook. and cook their asses off. everyone knows that sex naturally leaves relationships the longer that the union is together, but eating is a constant. if you dont want to eat breads and rices and beans and fatty foods, the best way to control it is to make healthy meals yourself and then feed them to your man who will be yours forever.

    centerpoint + insIDEAmind + tina