1. Saturday, June 12, 2004

    Dear Tony, 

    Can you please explain to me what the fuck is going on with your

    Lakers. I am well aware of the stunning defence the Detroit Pistons

    possesses, but they were tied with the Spurs for allowing the lowest

    amount of points against, and Shaq and the boys were able to take care

    of them quite nicely.

    How is this roster of superstars and sons of superstars being

    humiliated by such a young Detroit ball club.

    Help me understand?

    J-Mo

    Hamilton, Canada

    Dear J-Mo,

    let me tell you a few things about hollywood.

    everywhere you look its beautiful.

    every car you see is a porsche or a rolls or a classic mustang or a hummer or a monster truck lexus.

    the girls come up to you in the streets and say i know you, youre tony pierce, i love you, i want you, ive been dreaming about you, lets do it right here up against this palm tree.

    everyone is a star

    everyone is hot

    everyone is loaded

    and everyone is cool

    and the coolest of the cool, jack, is a laker fan, which thereby makes all things laker, ultracool.

    when they played at the forum, that was cool.

    now that they play at staples, and now thats the coolest.

    the hottest cheerleaders in the world are the laker girls

    the greatest announcer ever was chickie baby

    and when you wonder how magic could not only beat hiv but become stronger by it, i bring you back to the start which is, this is hollywood, and to live here and to thrive here you pretty much have to beat hiv to remain ultracool

    or live in a mansion with 6 blonde girlfriends

    or light it up for 45 points in the playoffs after stepping off a private jet fresh from your rape trial

    or swish a trey with point oh four seconds on the clock in san antone when it is almost physically impossible to catch a ball turn around and shoot in less than half a second.

    no way were the los angeles lakers going to just blow out the detroit pistons after that derek fisher three in the alamo dome. thats not how things are done in hollywood.

    this is how things are done in hollywood.

    you lose the first game at home to remind the world that hello theres an nba finals going on. bitches.

    then you sink a fadeaway three in the last two seconds of regulation to send game two into overtime. you blow em out in ot as forshadowing.

    no way were the lakers going to slide into motown and sweep three there and make these finals boring.

    no way were they probably even going to win two.

    theyre just not as hungry as larry brown and rip hamilton and the good people of the motor city who will burn their town down for a week in glee if they can beat the four hall of fame lakers and their hall of fame coach.

    so the lakers will win one game in detroit

    and then win two in la. dramatically. incredibly. ultimately.

    that was always in the script.

    and the refs will continue to keep shaq in foul trouble at the palace in auburn hills, but when they all return to staples they will finally unchain kong and the humanoids will scatter.

    and you might even see mr gary payton finally showing up a little bit.

    who is the real x factor

    and poised to be something more than a hasbeen who jumped on the bandwagon to collect a ring without really contributing when it mattered.

    either that or kobe will just fucking errupt and live up to the mj hype

    which is impossible of course.

    outside of hollywood.

    enjoy the show.

    J. Mo + d lo + theives in the night