1. Thursday, September 23, 2004

    star wars: battlefronts 

    lucas arts

    playstation 2, xbox, pc

    george lucas has done it again. proving that it’s impossible to oversaturate the star wars brand Battlefronts hit the market this week to wide critical acclaim, deservedly so.

    not only do you get to either be the good guys or the bad guys (who doesn’t ever get the urge to pick off a few ewoks after a hard day at work?) but you get to do it in the snow, on the sand or in space.

    its wonderful.

    because it’s so good i will now tell george lucas how he can make another best seller.

    in battlefronts 2 the imperial empire needs to invade earth and the jedis need to come down to protect us. what this means for the game is that you can have Exactly the same game as you have now, except instead of the snowy tundra as seen in the empire strikes back, i want to see blasting each other on the main streets of middle america as the puny humans run away in fear, milk trucks turned over burning on fire, wal*marts used as alliance headquarters, etc.

    instead of sabre fighting on an industrial bridge in the death star, have them duel on the steps of the capital building.

    i want battles in strip malls, i want rumbles in the bronx, i want to see dead storm troopers floating in the fountains of caesars palace.

    i want there to be a subplot where jedis discover that there are earthling jedi knights who never knew they had the force. i want them to look like uma thurman from kill bill who trade in their japanese swords for sabres.

    and like grand theft auto, i want to see roving gangs of wookies carjacking commuters on the 405 and convoying to venice beach for the ultimate battle of the galaxy as that crazy skateboard guy with the turban plays ramones covers and homeless guys ask for spare change.

    battlefronts 3: europe invasion, with the At-At walkers marching down the champs-elysees. x-wings vs stealth fighters.

    battlefronts 4: compton crips vs the clones. black versus white like in the original film from ’77. get to be ice cube or eazy-e as they take on the empire with ak-47s and molitif cocktails. bonus rounds include breakdancing competitions.

    battlefronts 5: springfield surrenders. the rebel alliance needs to first find springfield and then save them after the dark side takes over the home of the simpsons because of their nuclear capabilities. d’oh!

    masslive + sk smith + pink cookies