1. Monday, September 20, 2004

    why the emmys decided to call me this morning 

    at six am, is beyond me. maybe they hadnt slept all night. maybe they were still giddy from giving away all those awards to angels in america and the daily show.

    the mainstream media might not be liberal anymore, but the academy members of the emmys sure as hell are.

    anyway they asked me if i would tell them what i liked and didnt like from the program last night and i told them that i needed a few hours of sleep and during my first 15 minute break at work that i would be sure to put down a little list.

    maybe you can add to anything that i left out.

    * first of all, a 40 second acceptance speech is stupid, and to kick in with the music as someone is pouring their heart out is tacky as hell. has no one ever told you about manners? you have the red carpet and all the gift bags and all the cameras and you think someone can get it together and really thank the people who made a difference in their lives in 40 seconds? please.

    and what are you rushing off to so quickly? so that billy crystal and garry shandling can give us some lame fake banter for three minutes? let bro from angels in america tell us a little about motherfucking AIDS, retards. i swear.

    maybe you’ll beat csi in the ratings next year if you do.

    most of these people will never get the chance to win one of these bogus awards again. many of these people actually have a few people to thank or a tale to tell or a tear to shed. let them shed their tear.

    what you need to do is start the show at 7pm. four hours isn’t so bad. youve got brad pitt and jennifer aniston sitting in the front row for pete sake, if you cant hold an audience with those kids, meryl streep, pacino, the sopranos, kelsey grammah, and all the skits, then maybe you should learn a few things about tv production. let the winners have their moment. and give them more than just a dumb little moment. this is their night, not yours.

    * for those of you who didnt see it, CBS had a contest. they picked two winners to fly to LA, they blindfolded them, put headphones over their ears, didnt tell them what they won, and walked them onto the stage of the emmys (above).

    they were stunned, shocked, and my brotha was moved to tears. it was wonderful. it was perfect. their prize was getting to read the nominees of the best reality series. great moment in tv as the two winners seemed geniunely suprised and into the whole deal. only flaw was CBS gave the prize winners more time to be excited than they gave the emmy-award winners to say thanks. re-evaluate your priorities.

    * loved the director of the emmys winning an award for directing the oscars. loved how he gave his parents from tarzana 10 seconds on tv. loved how he was so happy to have won and even directed his wife to kiss him.

    * why no musical groups?

    * E! blew it by letting Joan Rivers get away. Star Jones is no Joan Rivers. She looked horrible in her outfits, she was not funny, and i don’t think she will rip apart the fashion victims the way that Joan does in Fashion Police.

    this will be the first time that Joan wasn’t on the red carpet since the advent of color tv and it was a sad day indeed. instead their spinning wheel contraption was a disaster, no one wanted to get on the lazy susan so that the cameras could get the full view, and all it made you think was, why isnt Joan here?

    * let tony soprano speak.

    * we get it that film stars are respected actors, but it seemed to me that film actors who ended up on tv got way more nominations than real tv actors who actually worked full seasons. the exception to that would be james spader, a film star who is now a regular on a tv series, which of course got him an emmy as well.

    * john ritter should have been in your in memorium. did you forget he died or did you cut his picture for time?

    * dont get a hunk to deliver the in memorium intro. the people want to hoot at tom selleck who is looking pretty good after all these years: so let them hoot. get someone olde to deliver the in memorium. is that so difficult?

    * you need some new catagories: best action sequence, grosses crime scene discovery, biggest live mistake, best news anchors, most underrated non-network or hbo series, etc.

    * hire conan to do the next 10 emmys. not only is he truly funny, but he loves tv. its ok to have people who love tv to host the tv award show of the year.

    my lovely wife moxie + sk smith + futurballa