1. Thursday, October 7, 2004

    dear anna, im sorry 

    ive been so mean about enrigay. im sorry that ive wished him ill will. im sorry that i said that i hoped his plane crashed and that his luggage would get lost. im sorry i rubbed your ass real good as you were giving me a hug the other day. but your ass is sweet. and you know i love it. still, im sorry. i promise i wont do it again as long as youre with him.

    it’ll be hard cuz we do have that magnetism. and you know we never had any real problems. i dont know why ive been so noncommital lately but i wasnt with ashley or clipper girl or her cousin or even miss montreal who i was going to ask to be my girlfriend memorial day weekend at big sur but she canceled the weekend. and even though i was eighty percent sad i was twenty percent relieved, and thats not cool.

    im sorry what happened the other day. ive totally erased it from my head as youve advised. a double reverse-psychology seduction. ive never seen such a thing. now arent you glad i always have a lot of condoms?

    anyway. im really sorry. i do want to be friends. its hard though. last night you looked good. my hands are just attracted to your hips. i want to lean into you and see whats going on. i cant help it. you russian voodooed my ass.

    in the good book, maybe exodus, god hardens pharoahs heart so he can bust with some sweet plagues. first moses says let my people go and pharoah says fine then his heart gets hardened and right when theyre going to split hes all i change my mind. and then god rains frogs from the sky. its awesome.

    well, you softened my heart.

    and its fucked up now.

    we had a good thing going and you left me for a pretty boy singer who face it isnt so great a singer. which hurts more.

    i know i suck but enrique?

    and you say things like he and i would be friends but no i wouldnt. if i even ran into him at the coin laundry if he said anything to me i would say in a million years you couldnt even touch her the way i can. and then id change his dryer settings to delicate when he wasnt looking.

    ive never been possessive of any girl before. but to be honest right now i still dont recognize your union. its like a gay marriage to bush.

    but im gonna try. not because i should. fuck should. i should be taller. the cubs should be in the playoffs. i should have a job where i could spend a few minutes blogging during work. my clothes should be better. my dick should be at least a foot longer. should.

    in 2004 a girl Should be able to tell her new dude that she still wants to get it on with her xdude. id let you get it on with him. what do i care? enrique. have as much fucking enrique as you want.

    but seriously im seriously sorry that ive been acting like such a douche. youve always been nothing but totally nice to me. always there for me. in fact whenever i was with you i always felt handsomer and smarter than i know i am. i dont know how you did that but you did.

    im sorry i still want you. and will think about you tonight. and tomorrow. and the next time i get to dip my head next to yours and check out whats going on.

    but i do promise to make a concerted effort to be better. cuz i can be better and i want to be better. and you only deserve the best.

    yours in lust,


    amy + cmonks + what the fukc