from Back to School as thornton melon
Trendy Man : Mr. Melon, your wife was just showing us her Klimt.
Thornton Melon : You too, huh? She’s shown it to everybody.
Trendy Man : Well, she’s very proud of it.
Thornton Melon : I’m proud of mine too. I don’t go waving it around at parties, though.
Trendy Man : It’s an exceptional painting.
Thornton Melon : Oh, the painting.
[after Thornton Melon’s run-in with a showering sorority girl]
Security Guard: Perfectly understandable, Mr. Melon. It was an honest mistake. Let’s just call it a a bad day…
Thornton Melon : – but a great view! You’re all right, officer. Here, a little something for the kids.
[hands officer cash]
Security Guard: I don’t have any kids.
Thornton Melon : No kids? Well, get yourself some kids. Take it all.
[hands officer more cash]
Thornton Melon : And just remember, the best thing about kids… is making them!
Thornton Melon : What’s your favorite subject?
Thornton Melon : Really? Well, maybe you can help me straighten out my Longfellow.
from Caddyshack where he played Al Czervik
Al Czervik : Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.
Al Czervik : Oh, this is the worst-looking hat I ever saw. What, when you buy a hat like this I bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh? Oh, it looks good on you though.
Al Czervik : Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must’ve been something before electricity.
Al Czervik : Your a lot of woman, you know that? Yeah, wanna make 14 dollars the hard way?
Al Czervik : [to his Asian companion] I hear this place is restricted, Wang, so don’t tell ’em you’re Jewish, okay?
Al Czervik : Hey, doll. Could you scare up another round for our table over here? And tell the cook this is low grade dogfood. I’ve had better food at the ballgame, you know? This steak still has marks from where the jockey was hitting it.
as Mallory’s dad in Natural Born Killers:
[after sending Mallory to her room]
Ed Wilson : I’ll show her a little tenderness, after I eat. When I get up there, she won’t see my face for an hour.
“I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetery plot. The guy said, ‘There goes the neighborhood!'”
“When I was born, I was so ugly that the doctor slapped my mother.”
“When I started in show business, I played one club that was so far out, my act was reviewed in Field and Stream.”
“Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: `Basement?'”
“When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. … and no one showed up.”
“I never got girls when I was a kid. One girl told me, `Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. There was nobody home.”
“When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.”
“When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names — hers and her mother’s.”
“With my wife, I don’t get no respect. The other night there was a knock on the front door. My wife told me to hide in the closet.”
“With my wife, I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.”