busblog

nothing in here is true

  1. Tuesday, November 30, 2004

    yes i remembered that today is danielles birthday too. 

    how can i forget?

    every day that i go to work and shes not there its like a nightmare.

    for a while there we would spend all lunch and each of our breaks hanging out.

    sometimes we would watch tv at my house and eat thai food

    sometimes we would just fly around with chopper one on autopilot and look down on the stars.

    ive only gone to san diego for two reasons. because my first girlfriend ever wanted to see me. and to go visit danielle two months ago.

    some people you meet and you click perfectly. nothing needs to be altered.

    some people you meet and no matter what you do its all fucked up.

    danielle and i are a great team, we’re good friends, and i miss her terribly.

    shes about 5 times better looking in person than in her pictures.

    and about ten times more fun than i could ever describe.

    once before she even really knew me she met me at a tsar show in venice and she danced even though everyone was standing around trying to be cool.

    she wasnt worried about being cool.

    in a perfect world i would have won the lottery and bought her a condo down there, one with a landing pad and a hot tub.

    somewhere theres some college students who are very fortunate to have our girl as their TA.

    lord knows i never had a TA like her.

    happy 23rd birthday danielle k.

    my life is empty without you.

    last days of danielle + a good pic of her + danielles blog keeping it real

  2. flagrant thinks i forgot her birthday. 

    yeah right.

    to honor her on her birthday i gave her the second anna award of all time. i also took the day off so if she wanted to chat she could.

    secretly i want her to interview me about my book. maybe someone else will volunteer when they get theirs.

    to honor her i sent britney spears over to the malibu pet store to pick up a paris hilton taco bell doggie to hand deliver.

    mostly hairless to prevent any allergic reactions.

    to honor her i had the webster dictionary people wait until today to announce that “blog” is number one word of the year.

    to honor our favorite valley girl, sk smith updated her damn page to show us all how we can give the gift of a goat to people.

    thank you sara.

    flagrant is one of my favorite writers.

    if her site wasnt down right now shed be saying something like, “why does Sports Illustrated think you can call it a blog when it’s really just five guys writing individual columns once a week?”

    “the sports illustrated.com ‘daily blog‘” she would say, “is neither.”

    and thats why i love her.

    that and her devilish sneer at dumb people.

    she says shes moving to portland and that makes me sad.

    she says that shes getting better, physically, and that makes me happy.

    no matter where she is or what she does i hope that she keeps blogging and i hope she takes it easy with her penchant to delete posts.

    its exciting, but ultimately exhausting. and its a bad precident for the kids. of whom i know she loves.

    if i knew her address i would send her two books. the first being mine, and the second being the most fucked up person alive tells all

    which i am glad to see is still in print

    cuz it’s funny.

    happy 25th birthday ms fragrant disregard.

    move your blog to nothing special and when you do tell em tony sent you and os will cut you a deal.

  3. the kids ask me my advice all the time. 

    rarely do they listen.

    recently ive heard more than a few of the college-aged kids talking about marriage, even though theyve been with their true loves for a year or less.

    it makes me wonder what the fuck theyre teaching at these universities of higher learning.

    history will tell you that marriage pretty much doesnt work no matter who you are.

    current events will show you that the divorce rate is the highest its ever been.

    and literature will show you that all the poetry and song and creativity and lalalalalove happens during the chase, not after

    so if you love love and romance and butterflies,

    why would you ever go down the dark road of failure

    just like the other suckers?

    and the answer is always the same.

    because we’re different.

    because you dont know us tony.

    because this guy is the best there ever was.

    we’re so perfect together, omg.

    and its so sad that most of the kids are girls, and therefore wouldnt understand the analogy, probably, but i want to say

    the yankees had jeter, sheffield, matsui, posada, brown, rivera, mussina, bernie willams, and a-rod and they still lost.

    the lakers had kobe, shaq, malone, and the glove and they lost too.

    i want to say, dont you understand, everyone loses.

    i want to say, what did you learn from romeo and juliet?

    i want to say, i learned that people generally have no clue what love is and will usually self destruct if they get it. and that goes double for kids.

    remember when i told you about me and bob and how we had to sit in the back of the class during school cuz we were so gifted? heres what i knew in high school, thanks to the aid of hindsight:

    how to beat off without getting caught

    my locker combination

    the names of every baseball player on every team

    my way to the busstop

    heres everything i knew at 21:

    who would pay me to go on beer runs

    every word of every springsteen song

    how to touch a girl under a blanket while watching twin peaks with her friends

    how to make a bong out of anything

    how to eat and drink all day with three dollars

    basically i knew nothing.

    and imagine if i had actually dated some different girls, and one thing led to another and i ended up marrying them in my early twenties. when i knew nothing.

    people should get married like how they realize their socks are old. you just know.

    there should be a moment when the one looks at the other and says, fucking a ive known you how long? shit. fine, lets just do it then.

    courts should decide who should get hitched. certainly not the participants.

    i love love. dont get me wrong. that feeling is like no other.

    it’s like drugs plus drugs

    which is what makes it legal.

    but just barely.

    and ive been intoxicated before. and ive been out of my mind before. wonderfully so.

    and i have been out of my mind in love before.

    you blow all your money, you say and do stupid things, pretty much everyone around you is annoyed by you, and you look funny.

    its cute.

    the telling part though is that when people are scared out of their minds all the above fit as well.

    and many times, ive noticed that people when theyre thinking about marriage saying things like, i want to keep this man, i want to hold on to this feeling, etc. they say things that sound like its coming from fear and not love.

    when people vote from a place of fear they settle for george bush.

    and then they get mad at you when you keep bringing him up.

    only gays have earned the right to get married.

    if i was president it would be a five year process to get married.

    youd have to register when you became “engaged.” then youd have to start living together. then once a month the neighborhood cop would be required to check in on you and ask some personal questions.

    very personal questions.

    after their first year together the man would have to be responsible for the dishes, and learn how to cook.

    the woman would have to watch sports and read bukowski.

    once a month they would be required to babysit for a local family.

    after the second year they would be required to take basic accounting classes at the junior college, gardening, and home repair.

    the cop would come by now twice a month but his questions would become more personal. and if you lie to him, no marriage for you.

    sometime during this year they are also required to move to a new apartment.

    and yes, condom use will be manditory.

    after the third year together the couple would be required to volunteer at a battered womans center, at an emergency room, at an orphanage, and at a homeless shelter. once a week, ingrates.

    the man will be tested on his ability to make a homemade chicken noodle soup, a casserole of some sort, a rare steak, a filet of fish, and ice cream from scratch.

    the woman will be required to win in at least one fantasy football league.

    if they succeed then they will have to move into seperate apartments for the next year. and only three sleepovers a week.

    after the fourth year, if they still want to go through with it, they can move back in with each other and they can send out the invitations to the wedding.

    if marriage is so central to american life that the president would think its so necessary to push a constitutional ammendment to protect it, you’d think that theyd go a little further than just say, no gays.

    people should also have higher taxes during their engagement.

    dumbasses.

    anti has a blook out + so does ryan mcgee + the gorilla flask awards + oliver willis sent me the trojan ad

  4. 2004 anna awards 

    best vacation pictures

    flagrant disregard, santa barbara, california

    my vacation was absolutely perfect except for one blunder.

    after a sleepless night in yangon with time spent in the dim worrying whether the arrest of the burmese prime minister would immediately unravel the country’s banking and transportation infrastructure, i subsequently had a strenuous day flying out of myanmar… add another sleepless and rushed night in thailand, 110 mile an hour 3:30am cab ride to the airport, seven hour flight from bangkok to tokyo, a super boring four hour typhoon related delay at narita, and then a nine hour leg swelling connection to the usa, i was supposed to remain alert enough to use an 11 hour layover in portland to go house hunting- but i neglected to bring my driver’s license with me.

    specifically, it had been left at home as unnecessary with only the potential to get lost or stolen in asia. an ocean of emotions followed, how could i be so forgetful, and what a wasted trip, but the truth is that the layover in portland never increased my airfare so nothing was truly lost.

    “but even if i have used your company before and am in the system, do i still need the actual document to rent a car from you or is my id number good enough? i have a passport for identification and the credit card used to make the reservation.”

    “nope,” said the telephone agent. “sorry.”

    how i was to now spend 11 hours in the chilly portland rain without a car, and without walking for hours in the weather (in sandals/cropped pants) was definitely an issue.

    her vacation photo essay (click “myanmar”) + get lost, the blog + other great photos by the fine photographer

  5. Monday, November 29, 2004

    2004 anna awards 

    best female blogger

    raymi, toronto, canada

    listen up gossip queers

    august, 2004

    listen up gossip queers

    it’s none of your damn business

    you wanna know, fucking email me then

    don’t stir the pot by saying this that the other and assuming they wants to lay you

    you want knives in my back or not, you fucking delivered them

    i don’t have time for this mickey mouse bullshit

    any friggin’ more

    just remember what it was like in the beginning

    before you ever came here

    before we met

    i moved to toronto and linked everyone and now i can’t be with you’s all ‘cos it brings me too much stress too much drama and too much pain to hear lies and gossip and rumors

    i don’t want any part of it anymore

    we can be friends and talk about the good ole gays when things were clever and angst-filled

    don’t go all over the internet getting your link above mine just because you think it makes me angry

    it’s kinda laughable

    that you’re still like that

    don’t go around commenting linking and fake-loving

    ‘cos i know what it’s really all about behind the scenes where “the magic happens”

    a blog is a blog is a blog

    you fully admitted you ripped me off from the start and this is the respect i get now

    i took down ALL links and would link you gladly in a post and you know it but your ego won’t allow you to ask and you don’t even have to

    i have far too many emotions over it right now to do anything about it

    you knocked me up, i had an abortion and now i have an iud that is tearing my cervix apart

    i never wanted to have an abortion and i know the hatemail that will come from mentioning it but yeh, not a day goes by that i don’t think about it

    you did yer thing when i was a crazy loon and that shouldn’t have happened

    the abortion had to of happened, all the medications i was on at the time, the thingamaling would of had arms growing out of it’s eye-sockets

    and now i think i won’t go to heaven

    because of us not because of you because i know that i am far from blameless in all of this

    i chose my road i chose my path and all paths eventually lead to heaven but right now things are pretty hellish and this bloog of mine is a burden and a blessing sometimes it is one more than the other

    i just want to start fresh

    and i don’t ever plan to forget

    the way

    you looked

    that nite

    raymi + newwaveoake + i think manic

  6. i have some good news and some bad news. 

    since im a positive person lets start with the good.

    as you know there were some issues between the publisher of How To Blog and me regarding the cover of the book.

    i was under the impression that the artist Shepard Fairey of the iconic wilding posters that are so prevelant here in Los Angeles and other cities would love to have his images in as many places as possible, which is why he allows for downloading of his posters and instructions on how to put them up.

    the publisher was more like, yeah, whatever, it’s still his art and you should probably get permission to put it on the cover of something that youre about to sell a shitload of.

    they told me this on friday.

    busiest day for consumerism here in america.

    and they put the book on hold unless i changed the cover.

    so, i changed the cover. i whitewashed out the andre the giant image and they accepted it. the sales went on as i wrote an email to the creator of the obey/giant revolution.

    who i admire greatly.

    whose work always makes me smile whenever i see it. be it on the side of a mailbox or a street sign or firehydrant.

    whose most recent portrait of the president is so good that the la weekly put it on their cover bleeding fangs and all after he won re-election.

    so i wrote shepard an email and i posted about it on the rare chance that he would actually come to the busblog and see that it was a legit request.

    little did i know that more than one reader of the busblog knew the good gentleman, and wrote to him on my behalf.

    la is a small world. be nice to people.

    and before i knew it i got an email from the man himself:

    Tony,

    It is fine for you to use that image. You have my permission.

    A mention of me and my website is all I need.

    I’d love to get a copy when it comes out.

    Take care.

    -Shepard

    how unbelievably cool is that?

    now heres the bad news, which might not be bad news after all.

    there are some books that were ordered and produced that do not have me mentioning the good mr fairey and there are some books that were ordered and produced that do not have the original cover, they have the whitewashed cover.

    those books, like i predicted, will be incredibly rare. my advice is that you hold on to them. less than 20 were made.

    if however you want the official version of how to blog just mail the rare one back to me and i will exchange it for you.

    now allow me to say a few things about cafepress

    i think theyre an amazing company. i had to talk to them via email and phone about a half dozen times on making this book. mostly because im a dumbass and i hadnt done things right.

    every time i talked with them they were friendly and intelligent and polite.

    all you can ask for.

    they have a toll free number, and youre normally talking to a real person within thirty seconds. love that.

    and the product is gorgeous. you really need to see it to believe it. it looks like a real fucking book. it feels good in your hand. the colors are bright, and its shiny. it’s great.

    all i need is an isbn number and a barcode and i could sell these to book stores. thats the only suggestion i can give them, sell those things and you’ve done it all.

    i highly recommend cafepress for any author who wants to self publish their work.

    big or small.

    i can see online when the orders go in, what stage of production it’s in and what, if any, issues are delaying things.

    its verrrry easy to change/edit/redesign things. maybe a little too easy. i suggest using a crazy password.

    one final thing: cafepress has a little deal going on right now, if you spend $50, they take $5 off. that offer ends tomorrow.

    another little known fact is shipping is normal shipping prices, theyre not insane. and they only charge a buck each for shipping each additional book.

    again, impressed by the company and by the kindness of strangers.

    thanks to everyone.

    obey giant + cafepress + how to blog

  7. wilcos on trio. 

    god bless trio who this weekend showed us kurt n courtney, biggie and tupac, and now wilcos i am trying to break your heart.

    wilco makes me feel old. like if i was younger id hate em. but i dont hate em. i love em. i love that the dude pukes all the time. i love that the other dude is clueless even after he gets kicked out.

    karisa got me out of the house. we met at hollywood and vine and walked up a few blocks and saw the hollywood christmas parade. probably the most ghetto parade you’ll ever see.

    not a-list stars, not even b-list stars, but so c-list that the simpsons and spongebob square pants got the biggest applause.

    although george lopez got an impressive hand where we were standing.

    im going to make a pretty sweet announcement tomorrow.

    if everything goes right.

    brad garrett from everyone loves raymond was in the parade. everyone was riding around in super cheesy floats or in super old timey convertibles.

    so he was up there. his little 7 year old daughter was next to him, and his wife was on the other end.

    hes waving at the people and then you realize that he was trying to get the cotton candy man’s attention. he finally does and the man walks over to the moving car, and brad garrett starts buying bags of cotton candy and throws them into the suddenly frenzied crowd.

    if i listened to kcrw im afraid i would get old too.

    103.1 has to mix up the songs better. and they have to tell us what the hell we heard more. enoughs enough.

    and a little more hip hop wouldnt kill em.

    just a pinch is all im asking for.

    it was freezing out there on hollywood blvd and they had a camel.

    camel didnt wanna be in the hollywood christmas parade and neither did the sherrif who was keeping a short leash on it. the sherrif was riding a horse right next to the camel.

    likerightnext to it.

    and the camel kicked with its hind legs and bent its neck all funny. but it wasnt funny.

    and right in front of me and karisa and her roommate and her roommates friend and his dog the camel took a nice long dump.

    and then we watched to see if the bands would step in it.

    and there was this one band from ohio. lots of bands from all over the usa were invited to play and they all showed up. but this one from ohio didnt see the piles right there in the middle of the street.

    and when the trombonist felt something funny

    i yelled out thats camel crap buddy

    you dont get that shit in ohio.

    heroine girl + doc searls + dc

  8. Sunday, November 28, 2004

    just kicked a chick out of bed 

    who before this afternoon i might have said, yeah but id never kick her out of bed.

    life is nuts.

    id like to tell you the entire story and i bet youd like to hear it. and for some reason i dont want to write about this in my secret journal i want to write about it here so that people could read it and learn from it.

    but im not that sort of person. i dont air out my dirty draws out for the world to see. especially when it involves somewhat public people.

    or in this case— never mind.

    karisa just called and wants to go to the hollywood christmas parade with me.

    perfect distraction.

    so before i blow it and let all the cats out of the bag here are some birthdays.

    Motown Records founder and music legend Berry Gordy Jr. turns 75 today.

    I once had a chance to either see Stevie Ray Vaughn play with BB King, or the Who or Randy Newman. I picked Mr. Newman and I dont regret it. Today the writer of “Short People” “You’ve Got A Friend in Me” and “I Love LA” is 61.

    David Letterman’s sidekick and original bandleader of the Blues Brothers Paul Shaffer is 55.

    Brat Pack actor and unlikely hero of The Breakfast Club Judd Nelson is 45.

    The man who most would like to replace Dan Rather, Jon Stewart is 42.

    And Americas favorite soon-to-be half-billionaire Anna Nicole Smith is 37.

    saidy + the detox + dehumidifier

  9. yesterday was jimi hendrix’s birthday. 

    the greatest guitarist of all time.

    so to celebrate i downloaded the new nirvana box set of rarities.

    its pretty much what youd expect. lots of demo versions. practice takes. wrong notes. bad levels. clinkers. shit youd never really want to hear.

    voices from the grave.

    when i die i hereby bequeath all my demos and rare tracks to frances bean.

    my house is a mess and i have a date at noon.

    who accepts such invitations?

    apparently theres a place that has these pancakes which as karisa says are as big as your ass.

    she and i did laundry yesterday to celebrate jimis birthday.

    today she set me up with a girl she met at trader joes.

    thats a friend.

    my lawyer is having a tree trimming in about a week. if i was a good friend i woulda figured out how to print out 50 or so of my books and hand em out to my buddies at the party but im a dumbass.

    i had four made of the original run with the now-illegal cover. i gave one to karisa who was shocked at how great it looked.

    i gave one to chris who kept saying omg omg omg.

    they really do look good.

    i was gonna mail one to ashley but now it turns out that she probably doesnt want it.

    and i was thinking about mailing one to sepi because she helped me compile some of what ended up in there but i have lost contact with her.

    i slept on the couch last night. it was cold. i fell asleep with the blankets over my head and the space heater clicking on and off throughout the night.

    and kurt demoing songs for me.

    my house is drafty and old and not meant for sub 60 degree temperatures.

    but i guess its better than sleeping under a bridge.

    by the river.

    in aberdeen.

    and if i had a left handed son

    id name him jimi kurdt dylan.

    ive eaten three mcribs in the three days since theyve been back,

    and it doesnt take a documentary to tell you that thats about two too many.

    chuck + jaime + layne + danielle

  10. Saturday, November 27, 2004

    raymi knows whats going on. 

    once you feel the flow youve gotta let it go. she tells me about john cougar neil young tom waits and bruce springsteen. really we’re talking about lou reed and the new u2 record.

    she tells me that once men turn 35 their creativity falls off quicker than their hairline. all except for the above.

    her friend throws in tom petty and im all, i guess.

    a donut sign spins and leaves trails and like blink im feelin it.

    dr dre snoop the beasties everyone in hip hop fell off after their testosterone dried up except tupac but hes the exception to everything.

    but the one that gave us the most hope was mr john hughes

    who from the age of 33 to 40 wrote and/or directed a string of 14 classic films

    Home Alone (1990) (written by)

    National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (1989) (written by)

    Uncle Buck (1989) (written by & directed)

    Great Outdoors, The (1988) (written by)

    Planes, Trains & Automobiles (1987) (written by & directed)

    Some Kind of Wonderful (1987) (written by)

    Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (1986) (written by & directed)

    Pretty in Pink (1986) (written by)

    Weird Science (1985) (written by & directed)

    National Lampoon’s European Vacation (1985) (written by)

    Breakfast Club, The (1985) (written by & directed)

    Sixteen Candles (1984) (written by & directed)

    National Lampoon’s Vacation (1983) (written by)

    Mr. Mom (1983) (written by)

    and then never did anything decent again.

    even changed his name when he wrote maid in manhattan

    raymi said, ill never change my name

    not even during a horrible slump

    i said not even to Edmond Dantès?

    she said especially to Edmond Dantès.

    and i typed that if i was mr john hughes for my next film i would cast ms natalie portman and ms raymi le minx as two first year high school teachers

    who end up with their class stuck in a snow storm

    after a field trip

    and they end up smoking pot with their class

    when they realize they never liked teaching

    and will quit in the morning.

    and the kids tell them everything.

    and then i showed her my tits and we logged off.

    write hard + rock n roll nigga + see wil wheaton live in hollywood tonight